This is a pretty popular forward! I received it three times in the last week, so I figured I'd better go ahead and post it while its hot. (Thanks, JJ, Jeanine, and Ken!)



Why women live longer than men !

The following photos show conclusively why it is that women tend to live longer than men.


#7
("And to think... those wimps at the power company use straps and cleats to get up this high!")



#6
("Gee, guys... that seems like an awful lot of protective gear for such a small chlorine gas leak...")



#5
(Necessity is the mother of invention...)




#4
("Jackstands? Hah! Who needs 'em?")




#3
(I'm sure this guy still wonders why he got fired that day.)



#2
Step 1: Remove shoes.
Step 2: Place metal ladder in water.
Step 3: Begin using power tools while standing barefoot on metal ladder in water.

And the winner is...



(How drunk do you have to be before this starts looking like a good idea?)

You also need to check out this video of two men and a ladder at Arbroath.

I took this life expectancy test and scored 87.89 years. Got a long way to go!

An oldie but goodie. According to The Death Clock, I need to be ready by 2051. Maybe I should open an IRA.

If you see something not working right on this blog, please contact me. I'm no geek, and I'm just learning how to do this. I also have a new computer and browser that reads my mind and and shows me what I want to see. Therefore, I see no formatting problems, even when other people do. (Thanks, Bruce and Kate!)

Thought for today: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

This post first appeared on September 8, 2005. I've been slammed with projects both online and offline. New posts will resume tomorrow.

humor jokes gender funny games photos danger safety

Many thanks to all who stopped by here and left a birthday greeting in the comments Thursday! I was overwhelmed with the response on this and several other posts that mentioned my birthday. I didn’t get any gifts, or cards (unless you count that one from the dentist back at the first of the month), and I got to pay for the birthday dinner out (as usual), but the comments made it a really special birthday! I’m still not used to being a year older... but honestly, do I have to get used to that? Getting over a bad cold at this age is hard enough. I tried some overdue yard work yesterday, and totally exhausted myself in about a half hour. But that beats last week by a long shot!



Rammstein preparing for Oktoberfest! (via b3ta)

Non-Stop FAIL! This video may make you hurt. And laugh!

If you are a politician, and you are going to steal bandwidth, don’t do it to a b3ta member.

Robot Chicken takes on the myth of the protective blanket vs monsters in the dark.

This ad for the Nissan Rogue is worth the load time. It will make you dizzy!! (via the Presurfer)

Top Ten Bizarre Disasters.

More Bizarre Deaths. (via the Presurfer)

Exercise your brain by switching your mouse to the other hand.

THE PAINTER

A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"

Ten full-length classic movies available online, ranging from the chilling Nosferatu to the heartwarming It’s A Wonderful Life. All worth watching!

This is just too funny. I felt bad about laughing out loud about this street crime, but I couldn’t help myself.

What do you mean, unemployable? Inked, Inc. has profiles of heavily tattooed doctors, lawyers, professors, etc.

Donkey Kong in real life is a whole lot harder than the video game.

Worst use of a file photo ever.

The Condom Cannon.

Two million virgins: The effect of war on women. (via Look at This)

A Japanese TV show answers the burning question: What kind of tire makes the best leap off a ski jump?

Just for fun: Mt. Rushmore sings The Teddy Bears Picnic. (via the Presurfer)

Humvee on the Highway in Iraq. A short but surprising video.

The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries. The word here is logorrhea. Bonus: Gratuitous pictures of Anna Kournikova.

66 Simpsons Stills and their Referenced Movies.

THE RECIPE

(Thanks, Eva!)
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied,"I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! - I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

 "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

 "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed.

"Dammit, Jim, Crisco is shortening!!!"

You gotta follow the recipe!!!

The One Semester of Spanish Love Song (via Cynical-C)

Thought for today: All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

humor jokes video funny games

What a wonderful story, full of symbolism (apple, snake, fig leaves), the struggle of good vs. evil, a beautiful garden for a setting, and nudity! What else could you ask for? With this as a first story, the Bible just grabs you and sucks you right in. A guaranteed best seller. And when you start peeling the layers back (like Shrek), you find more layers of meaning.

Tish published an Interview with Adam, part one and part two.

Hoss on the Garden of Eden.

Many different theories of Creation.

Belief-O-Matic -- A personality quiz about your religious and spiritual beliefs.

CREATION OF WOMAN
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'

'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.

'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy'

'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

'Sounds great.'

'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'

'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.

'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.'

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

ALTERNATE VERSION (Thanks, Wendy!)
Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and hitting a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well ...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret........ you know, woman to woman."

UNRULY CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was, "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit.." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you? " said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Thought for today: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.

This post originally appeared on February 20, 2006.

humor links Adam creation Eve Eden Genesis jokes funny

There are beautiful dogs and ugly dogs, but for every dog, there should be someone who loves them. I say “should” because the shelters are full of dogs who need a home. Please have yours spayed or neutered so there won’t be more. The joy of a dog is in his loyalty and unconditional devotion to his leader (alpha). When no one else loves you, your dog does. While your cat may want to be alone occasionally, your dog never does. Your dog is always open for suggestions, and almost always wants to do whatever activity you are doing. You can’t find a spouse like that! Or friends! Or children!



Dogs Just Want To Have Fun (via Arbroath)

The dog’s name was Shithead.

Puppy tummy. (via Dump Trumpet)

A puppy with a heart-shape spot in its fur was born in May in Japan. Breeder Emiko Sakurada has no plans to sell "Heart-kun". (via Fark)

Sugar, the two-legged wonder dog.

Dog-end towel holder. (via Dump Trumpet)

Stubby the Military Dog.

Walking the Dog

(va Bits and Pieces)
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the> block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father.  I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a> walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

Khoi Vinh knows how his dog Mister President thinks. He contructed this flowchart to show how he (and other dogs) think. Makes plenty of sense to me! (via Look at This)

 

Talking Dog

(via Phil’s Phun)
A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college, but about 1/3 ofthe way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at the University of Tennessee that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 waythrough the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father,

"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks toyour Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Dog Beats Owner. At Wii Tennis. (via b3ta)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dogs, Dog Humor, Dogs and Cats, Dogs and More Dogs, and Puppy Dogs.

Thought for today: The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.  ~Samuel Butler

humor jokes video funny dogs puppies pets canine

Today, I am a year older. No, I’m not telling how old, but I’ll have a piece of cake, thankyouverymuch. And I’m not going to get too self-celebratory, because I did way more of that than I should last month at my Blogiversary. Instead, let’s celebrate all birthdays today! I mean, everybody’s got one, it’s just that I don’t know when yours is. Isn’t it special to have a personal holiday of your own each year? And having a large collection of them sure beats not having enough to get to this year!

 
Happy Birthday

I received an early birthday gift when Scaramouch published the Top Ten Stories by Miss Cellania at YesButNoButYes yesterday! Alex at Neatorama also posted it, as did Morgan Freeburg, PAgent, and Actor212, which I appreciate. I managed to sneak it in myself at mental_floss! Thanks so much for all the comments everywhere.

From the comments, I find that Dave, Floyd, and Sorcerer Mickey are also having birthdays today! Tom’s birthday is tomorrow. Even Google has a birthday theme on their logo today, because Google is nine years old! Also, I remember that today is Lizard’s little daughter’s birthday. Many happy returns to all of you!

Birthday greeting card.

Who shares your birthday? Here’s some folks who share mine! (via Grow-A-Brain)

Birthday Stars is a generator that will find a star whose distance matches your age in light years from earth. For example, if you are 28 years and 6 months old, it will find a star 28.5 light years away from earth. The light arriving now from “your” star was generated at the time of your birth. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second, so these stars are very far away. (via the Presurfer)

I’ve never felt pressure over a birthday party, except toward the end when the kids get too rowdy, but if you have, then you need to see Birthdays Without Pressure.

THE PARTY CLOWN

(via Big Shot Bob in Texas)
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out -caterer, band and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him." He then turned to Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"

Birthday gone wrong. En Francaise. (Thanks, Eva!)

Advice from a wise man on getting older.

6 Observations on my 63rd Birthday. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Kitty’s birthday surprise.

Some people really hate the Baby Boomers.

WALK ON WATER

(via Big Shot Bob in Texas)
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Sven just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dummy, your father, grandfather and great-grand father were born in January; you were born in July.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Its My Party! and Birthday Party

Thought for today: Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

humor jokes video funny games birthday party celebration aging older

The more I drive, the more tired I am of driving. A woman at church was trying to explain to me where she lived. She couldn’t believe that I drove on such-and-such street several times a week and didn’t know where the blue house with the black shutters is. Of course, she was familiar with all the houses in the neighborhood, because half the time, she was riding in the passenger seat. I never do. Never. There’s a house in our neighborhood that was for sale for several months. The kids could describe the appearance, the driveway, the garden, even the pool in the backyard. I couldn’t even tell you what house it was, since it’s in a curve where I can’t even glance to the side while driving. I feel this deprivation most in October, when the mountains are blazing with color, but I’m focused on getting to point B without being hit by a coal truck. Is there any wonder I love a subway?

Car-Bike Accident

This one surprised me. You really only need to watch the first 12 seconds or so.

The Traffic Cone Preservation Society. (via Say No To Crack)

How to navigate a multi-mini roundabout. Relax, it’s in England.

More vanity plates, both clever and moronic.

The Ugliest Cars. At least the opinion of some folks.

The 50 Worst Cars of All Time.

Who says you can’t paint your own car? It helps if you know what you’re doing. The $50 Paint Job.

5 Cars That Became Metaphors.

What roads signs really mean. (via the Presurfer)

The 10 worst drivers caught on video. (via the Presurfer)

Microsoft Live Derby 2007. I managed to crash my way across New York for quite a while.

Don’t do a victory dance til you’ve crossed the finish line!

Big rig and truck accidents. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Ferrari

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says,

"You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

Heavenly Cars

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear!Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Thought for today: Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. -Ellen DeGeneres

humor jokes video funny driver automobile car driving traffic

They started on the first of September. The police helicopters are a sure sign of fall in Kentucky. They fly every day for about six weeks looking for crops in Eastern Kentucky. When I had a radio station job, we’d watch the police crews land in the field in front of the station and walk over to the Cracker Barrel for lunch.

I’ve already harvested my herb garden. It was tucked unobtrusively in the middle of my flowers. I tied the stalks together and hung them upside-down in the attic to dry. Then I carefully clipped the dried flowertops off and stored them in a gallon jar. But the only one who will get high from my crop is Biscuit, since it’s catnip. He loves me for my efforts.

 
Reefer Madness, the short version

See the entire film here.

From Comics with Problems, here’s Alpha the Robot in the Marijuana Mystery.

10 Signs you’ve spent all summer in Amsterdam.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar smoking pot.

WeBeHigh.com, Worldwide Marijuana Travel Guide, Marijuana Prices, Spots & Legalization Status. This seems pretty thorough to me. It could be fun to look up your own city. (via Metafilter)

Name That Drug.
NameThatDrug.com - Test your drug knowledge
Not fair. Just because I am knowledgable doesn’t mean I’m an addict. I’d like to see a real addict get through this quiz!

Hooked! A 1966 comic from the US government distributed at methadone clinics. (via Ephemera)

It’s Just A Plant. A children’s book about marijuana. (via Dump Trumpet)

Marijuana is subject to taxes. Here’s Kentucky’s tax stamp. (Thanks, Puppies and Flowers!) 

Map of marijuana availability in the US. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Swedish 1909 Cannabis Enthusiasm.

The ultimate cannabis growing time-lapse video. (via Look at This)

The Five Druggiest High School Sitcom Scenes.

THE CRASH SITE

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed.  As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see what happened?"

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded.  The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

The monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

APOLOGY 

I usually posted more than one printed joke in my posts, but try as I might, I couldn’t find any other marijuana joke worth putting here. Oh, I looked, on many occasions. I found a bunch, but ... they weren’t funny. They’d probably be funny IF you were high. But not funny enough for this site. Sorry.

Stop the Madness! 1985 (via Ephemera)

Thought for today: Even if one takes every reefer madness allegation of the prohibitionists at face value, marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could. -William F. Buckley, Jr.

humor jokes video funny marijuana pot reefer joint legalization drugs

Hmm, ain’t that a work of art, now? Nice rod, too. I thoroughly understand  how going fishing can be a stress reliever. Getting away from the job, the family, the housework, the lists of things to do -hey, that’s ALL good! Communing with nature, bonus. But why bother with all the acoutrements? Rod, reel, boat, tackle, that’s a lot of stuff. And then there’s the fish. They’re slimy, icky, and I don’t like to eat them, much less clean them. Oh, I love to watch them, but I’d just as soon stay hands off. Fishing would be a real nice pastime for me, if it weren’t for the actual catching of fish.

Fishing with bow and arrows. Weirder than you imagine.

Fishing Babes. Pages and pages of pictures of girls fishing.

The Salmon Dance. Watch an aquarium full of fish do a rap song and dance and learn facts about salmon, too! (via Everlasting Blort)

LBB went fishing, and caught a big one.

LISCENCE

Who's the Dummy?

A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods with the game warden hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the  game warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.

With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't  have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes sir," replied the young angler. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

(via Phil’s Phun)
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was always the husband behind the wheel on the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out, on the lake he said to his wife "Please take the wheel, dear, Pretend I am having a heart attack, you must get the boat ashore and dock it."

So she steered the boat ashore and docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the lounge room, where her husband was watching TV.

She sat down next to him, took the remote, and changed the channel and said to him.

"Please go to the kitchen dear, pretend I am having a heart attack, and set the table, cook the dinner and do the dishes"

FISHING TRIP

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20kg snapper on the second. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever (GT),Giant Trevalley when his mobile phone rang.  It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be,  his best ever fishing trip.  He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far.  He was jubilant....then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept Fishing didn't you!  I hope you're proud of ourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean,  your wife has been languishing in the ICU!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just joking with you mate. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

Previously at Miss Cellania: Fishing, Fishing Trip, Fish Tank, and Seafood.

Thought for today: It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming.  ~John Steinbeck

humor jokes video funny fisherman fish fishing angler angling

Hey! Ya wanna go parking? I know a great spot-right here! If you were ever teased about your inability to parralel park, I've got some examples to make you feel better about it. If you've ever parked as badly as these folks, you could end up on the internet!

About the other kind of parking- there comes a certain age when that just doesn't appeal anymore, no matter how big your backseat is. Thats why we buy houses! Still, the memories of that '69 GTO Judge and that gravel National Forest access road...

Looking for a Space

Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
*************

CALGARY

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park........... "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

PARKING SPOTS
































































More at I Park Like An Idiot. Bumper stickers available. Lots of photos.

Learn all about Fancy Parking.

Solve your parking problems with the new Tango.


Don�t park here. We mean it.

IN THE PARKING LOT (Thanks, Wendy!)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

Thought for today: Authorized parking is forbidden!

This post originally appeared on February 6, 2006.

humor links humor links funny jokes automobile car auto parking

For those kind enough to ask, yes, I’m recovering. Slowly. A cold that would have laid me low for three days twenty years ago (followed by two weeks of coughing) now puts me in intense pain for two weeks. I’m still weak, but feelling a little better every day. Meanwhile, I ran into a new service with a new widget I’m trying out. Blog Rush is another “sign up your blog to get traffic” application, in beta mode now. They give you a widget (see the sidebar until “visitor tools”) that links to other blogposts in your category -mine being Humor. Scan through those and see if there’s anything you might be interested in reading. My headlines should appear on other blogs. If you want to sign your blog up, click here. The system seems to favor early adopters. Like anything else, if it doesn’t live up to its hype, I’ll delete it after a few weeks.

 
Darth Vader Blues

How to tell if your head’s about to blow up.

Internet Retirement Party.

Weird and deadly Asian martial arts weapons.

The 10 best movies for traumatizing kids. I’d never heard of #1 before; now I am traumayized.

Professor Randy Pausch makes his last lecture one to remember.

Lazy-Ass Nation.

Index of celebrity mugshots.

THE PAINTER

A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"