Entries from October 1, 2007 - November 1, 2007
Perfect Post and Weblog Awards
It was easier than usual this month to select my Perfect Post Award recipient. Andrew from The Gunsmoke Files doesn’t write often, but when he does, it’s always good. In his post Gimme Shelter he matter-of-factly gives his observations on the homeless in Denver. He didn’t get overly emotional, which just made what he had to say more compelling. See the entire list of October Perfect Post Awards at Petroville and at Suburban Turmoil.
The finalists in the 2007 Weblog Awards have been named. Quite a few of my friends and favorites made the cut! They are: The Presurfer for Best Blog, deputy dog for Best New Blog, Jon Swift and Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper for Funniest Blog, xkcd and Basic Instrucions for Best Comic, Fark for Best Online Community, Shakesville for Best Liberal Blog, NYC Educator for Best Education Blog, Bad Astronomy Blog for Best Science Blog, and Crooks and Liars for Best Video Blog. Congratulations to all! See the list of finalists here.
Update: Congratulations to Jesus’ General, Driftglass, Simply Left Behind, and Konagod, who are all finalists in the Ecosystem categories, which were announced after I posted this yesterday.
Sexy Senior Citizens
Everyone wants a little lovin’ now and then. Often is good. Even when you’re getting up in years. I see stories about it, and commenters who are totally grossed out. You can imagine how young those commenters are. As the old guy in It’s a Wonderful Life said, “Youth is wasted on the wrong people.” Young folks may have the looks and the health for sex, but they also have too much at stake. They have to worry about making a good impression, pregnancy, being compared to former lovers, choosing a partner that they can put up with for many years, and selecting a parent for their children. And they worry about whther it’s true love or not. Old folks only worry about important things, like whether to take your teeth out first.
Granny’s Ad (via Unibrow)
Elderly Sex Studies Put Young People Off Sex. So don’t do it in front of the kids.
Giving out condoms at the senior citizens center.
Not only are senior citizens having sex, but they’re writing books about it, too!
Geriatric sex advertisements raise more than eyebrows.
This is comforting: 'You don't lose it just because you get old'.
88-year-old woman welcomes her 49-year-old husband home from prison. His crimes? Killing two elderly women. And sexually assaulting a 12-year-old.
POLICE CALL
This elderly spinster called the police. "My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please, taking a shower with his window shades up!"
The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out her window. "See what I mean, officer."
The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can only see the top of his head above his window sill."
The lady replied, "Crazy fool, you got to get on up on that dresser over there."
ROMANCE
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
INTERVIEW
(via Phil’s Phun)
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter.
"What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist,
"I fights 'em."
Previously at Miss Cellania: Senior Sex, Older Women, Seniors and Sex, and Sex and the Senior Citizen.
Thought for today: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. -Mae West
humor jokes video funny old elderly aged sex senior citizens
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Halloween
The day is finally here, and aren’t you glad? Because that means that this is the final post you’ll see from me on Halloween this year (at least at this site)! Halloween for a “soccer mom” like me can be hectic. Offline, I’ve been just as Halloweeny as I am online. My kids went to a costume birthday party last week. Princess the Pirate broke her sword, and I’ve looked all over town to find another at the last minute. Last night was a church picnic with a costume contest, and I found her a proper weapon in time. She had refused to carry a light saber -go figure. Gothgrrl is constantly reminding me that she is not a vampire, she’s a girl vampire. Alrighty then. See them in costume at Miss C Recommends. But tonight, they are trick-or-treating and staying over with friends, so I will be home watching fright flicks and waiting for things to go bump in the night. They better bring me home some chocolate!
This is Halloween
Look at This has posted a comprehensive look at Halloween, including the origins of the holiday, the many ways different countries celebrate, Halloween trivia, and a huge list of links to more holiday fun and information.
Classic funny skeleton videos.
38 Essential Facts about Frankenstein.
The Haunted Hospital. It's going to be on TV tonight!
Artist Kipling West is all about bats, especially this time of year!
Halloween Stripper
Gruesome Halloween Party Food.
How to make Pumpkin Punch.
Pumpkin Spice Truffles are made from chocolate, not pumpkin, but taste like pumpkin pie!
How to make peanut butter fudge ghosts.
Use halloween candy to educate and annoy your kids.
Watch Dracula, the 1931 Bela Lugosi version, at Miss C Recommends.
Soiled Sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied:
"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween
1. So...What'd you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!
Do They Know It’s Halloween?
Previously at Miss Cellania: Halloween Costume Parade, Haunted House, Zombie Fest, Trick or Treat!, Ghost Stories, Horror Stories, Halloween Links, Skeletons, Halloween Candy, Halloween Costumes, Monsters, Pumpkins, Jack-O-Lanterns, Halloween Party, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and Zombies.
Thought for today: The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. -H. P. Lovecraft
PS: Check out chicomathmom's costume at Miss C Recommends!
humor jokes video funny games Halloween holiday party food spooky
Zombie Fest
If you can't see the image to the left, run your mouse over it. See? You can make your own googly-eye picture at Flash Gear. The previous post on Zombies was quite popular, but like all popular internet memes, there is a lot of new material. No one seems to get tired of zombies. They are so lovable! Putrid rotting corpses coming to devour your brains -what's not to love? With only a day to go til Halloween, a Zombie Fest is certainly in order!
Bush vs. Zombies (Thanks, Jan!)
Lots of classic internet zombie videos, in one post.
Thirteen Thriller dance videos, from Cebu to Iraq to Second Life.
Ten WORST Things to Do During a Zombie Outbreak. (via Neatorama)
How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse. This might come in handy.
Video: Zombies in Plain English.
SHORTS
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.
Why didn’t the zombie proceed with his lawsuit?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on!
Why won’t a zombie eat a clown?
Because they taste funny.
There once was a ravenous zombie
who started chomping on me
He caused me some pains
as he chewed on my brains
and got blood on my Abercrombie
Can you see yourself as a zombie? Yes, you can! Artist Rob Sacchetto will transform a photograph of you into a zombie portrait!
The True Story of the Zombie Hamsters.
What you can learn from zombie movies.
Urban Dead, A Massively Multi-Player Web-Based Zombie Apocalypse. I’m too shy to try this. If you have, let me know what it’s like!
Zombifed action figures by NTT!
Lego Zombies. (via Dump Trumpet)
The Zombies All Live in New Jersey Because They Can't Afford the Tolls for the Lincoln Tunnel.
Zombies and Pirates in Minneapolis. Oh my!
Zombie Pickup Lines
Honest! I AM interested in your brain...
I could tell you a joke, it would kill you, but I see you've heard it before.
You think this is nice now, wait until Rigor Mortis sets in!
If I told you you had a nice body, would you let me break a piece off and take it home?
Is that a writhing mass of maggots in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
It must be very hard to get into those pants, considering that you have no arms.
HAIKU
Playing fetch with Spot
is dangerous when the bones
he brings back still move.
See more zombie haiku here.
Previously at Miss Cellania: Zombies
Halloween Costume Parade
People have been going nuts looking up “Halloween Costumes” on Google. How do I know? An awful lot of them end up here, checking out my previous posts on the subject. But every year, there’s a new crop of costume to die for, and costumes that make you wish you were dead. I don’t remember Halloween costumes from my childhood (it was so long ago), but I’ve had plenty as an adult. Strangely, they have all been recycled. Whatever I wore on Halloween was made for an earlier event. I’ve been the Easter Bunny, Supergirl, and a leprechaun for radio promotions. I don't think I wore the leprechaun outfit for Halloween, but one year I was the Easter Bunny. That got some laughs! I was Strawberry Shortcake one year in a retail sales promotion. My Rocky Horror costume was for, uh, Rocky Horror screenings. My Star Trek uniform was for cons. One of these days, I’ll get those pictures scanned. But not today.
This Halloween -Nikki Katt
Raisin Hell. The story of a fourth grader and the coolest costume in the world. Or so he thought.
Around Halloween, you find yourself uttering words that could get you arrested any other time of the year.
Double Viking’s favorite Halloween costumes
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Top 10 Topical Halloween Costumes Everyone Will Be Wearing Even Though We Wish They Wouldn’t. (via Gorilla Mask)
The Talking Rat Cap. This would be a real conversation-starter at a party. Literally. (via Everlasting Blort)
This guy was just a bystander. (via Unique Daily)
The cleverest Pacman costume ever. (via Dump Trumpet)
Aw, man, look at this poor kid. So what if it's Photoshopped, that expression is priceless! (via My 2 Second Shelf Life)
Create your own realistic werewolf costume.
The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes. (via Unique Daily)
Flying Spaghetti Monster costume.
Tips on making your own FSM costume.
Sandy Walsh’s costume from 2004 called “Frylock”.
| Miss Cellania is a Vampire! |
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You can’t do your own elf ears. You just can’t. But here are instructions to do someone else’s.
The Do-It-Yourself Optimus Prime Halloween Costume.
Reposting in case you missed it a couple of weeks ago: Ten Epic Halloween Costumes. And then there’s the followup, where mental_floss readers share their most memorable costumes.
Yip Yips
ROCKY
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
YOU CAN’T WIN
There once was a man with a bald head and a peg leg who was in need of a Halloween costume. So he wrote to a costume company, who promptly sent him a bandana and a hook so he could be a pirate.
Outraged that they were making fun of his peg leg, he fired off a complaint letter. In order to please him, the costume company sent him a monk’s costume saying that it would be perfect for his baldhead.
Now outraged that they were making fun of his baldhead, the man sent another angry letter. Soon after, another package arrived in the mail — a package of caramel. Attached was a note:
“Stick the peg leg up your ass, dip your head in caramel, and go as a caramel apple.”
Previously at Miss Cellania: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly and Halloween Costumes
Thought for today: If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. -Jack Handy
humor jokes video funny Halloween costumes
Trick or Treat!
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK-OR-TREAT
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Song to accompany the above: I wish you'd stop trick-or-treating.
But after all, you've decided to go trick-or-treating. Those of us with children have an excuse, and we get plenty of candy anyway, costume or no. That's it, isn't it... the candy. Of course, you have to sift through all your kid's treats for safety purposes and to relieve tham of all the chocolate they don't need. You'll be shocked at how many Nerds are given out. I bet some are leftover from what the kids brought home last year. Nerds are the most annoying candy in the world. Who knows if they taste good- they are immediately spilled in the car, in the couch, or in the bed. Vacuum cleaner salesmen and little kids are the only ones who love Nerds. Tests vary, or course. Kids will develop their own preferences quickly. Adults also have their Halloween candy horror stories. Here's the list of the worst things you can hand out to trick-or-treaters.
And some people just don't get into Halloween at all. Some think trick or treaters are annoying. And some will go out of their way to discourage trick or treaters.
What are the best and worst trick-or-treats you remember?
If you’re going to be home handing out treats, What’s Your Halloween Giveaway Strategy?
You'll want to avoid Lame Halloween Costumes and Politically Incorrect Halloween Costumes.
A right creepy blog to get you in the Halloween mood.
Lots of Halloween info
, pumpkin carving, recipes, etc.
Trick or Treat Horoscopes
* Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
* Taurus will only eat the finest Swiss chocolates.
* Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
* Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
* Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
* Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
* Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
* Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.
* Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
* Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
* Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
* Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
Previously at Miss Cellania: Halloween Candy, Halloween Party, and Halloween Costumes.
Thought for today: Trick or Treat! Smell My Feet! Gimme something good to eat!
October 27 Links, 2007
After about three weeks of practically living together, Sam and his assistant said goodbye a few days ago. I was tickled pink at the bathroom remodel and the fact that my roof does not leak in my bedroom anymore, so hired them to fix some other stuff that’s been bugging me. They repaired a sink, the back door, replaced the storm door in front, removed the ancient floor furnace, and built a patch for the hole. I immediately noticed how much warmer the house is when the holes are closed and the doors can shut! They asked if I needed anything else done. Well, yeah, but go on now and I’ll call you when I have some more money. I’m still debating about posting before and after pictures of the bathroom, because the before pictures look so awful. So here’s just one photo of the finished product, to show off the new color scheme we are trying out.
The Internet Stars are Viral
Mind Tricks Explained: The latest research on déjà vu, out-of-body experiences and other head games.
Stationery Movies: Identify a feature film by these video depictions in office supplies.
The new gay stereotype.
What kind of blogger are you? (via Writing from the Inside Out)
The Top 15 Manipulated Photographs. Someone could make a lot of money selling the Katie Couric Treatment.
The Top Ten Sexiest Commercials Ever.
The Great Pizza Orientation Test. One half mushrooms, one half pepperoni, and one half silliness.
Undercover Clergy
(via Bits and Pieces)
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
What would happen if you stayed awake for eleven days? I might get caught up with work, but I’d also be ready to strangle someone.
Ricardo Cabello made this lovely animation. Move your mouse over it. Nice stress break, isn’t it?
Stephen Colbert Reaches Double Digits As Third-Party Candidate.
A list of links to Halloween parties in some major cities.
Crazy Things You Can Say to Get Everyone’s Attention. The first one was posted as a headline on a popular aggregator and got quite a few phone numbers from true believers.
12 Reasons why gay people should not be allowed to marry.
Cat Found! Does this one belong to you?
Gothtober is a collaborative multimedia project featuring a different artist for each day in the month of October, with a nautical theme for this year. Move your mouse over the ship on the flash page to select a date, but you cannot see an art project until the date for it has arrived. There are videos, graphics, animations, and games. I spent way too much time on Pirate’s Hangman, which you’ll find on day three! (Thanks, Cristin!)
BOUDREAUX AND THE DEVIL
Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell.
In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Superbowl."
Thought for today: As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance, cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his side. - Mahatma Gandhi
Haunted House
On the way down the hill from where I live, there are several houses with Halloween decorations. One has gone completely batshit over Halloween, with a complete graveyard set up in the front yard, plus strings of lights, an inflatable castle, eight-foot ghouls hanging from the roof, etc. etc. Last year they brought out a smoke machine for trick-or-treat night. Grass will never grow in front of that home again. Just across the street is my favorite Halloween decoration. Very understated, very attractive. I would have taken a picture, but its a steep hill with no good place to park. Anyway, this house has a white picket fence with climbing roses in front. The red roses are still in bloom, and the owner has placed two skulls over the gateposts. That’s all, but it’s gorgeous! Very Grateful Dead. Of course, Halloween is no time to be understated. Tradition demands we all go a little batshit. I’ve got some decorating ideas for your home or party or haunted house that will either scare the pants off your guests or at least impress them.
The Spider Wiper
How about a giant moving, spitting spider? The Spider Wiper is horrifying until you know how it works, then it’s cool! Instructions are at Village Haunts.
How to enjoy Halloweeen on a Budget.
Do-It-Yourself Halloween Decorations. I am amazed at some of the elaborate things people come up with.
Make a cool hologram illusion for Halloween.
Halloween papercrafts you can print out yourself. (via Everlasting Blort)
13 Haunted Houses That Will Make You Wet Your Pants in 2007.
Spooky Halloween music from Dan Dutton.
You Are a Haunted House Addict when...
You're pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for THIS year is.
You find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than another.
You get more excited over a fog machine than a dirty movie.
You have more help at your haunt than necessary for an old-fashioned barn raising.
You have more than ten sound effect CD's.
You have names for the skeletons in your closet.
You play spooky music all year round.
You spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse's birthday, Christmas or anniversary.
You try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween.
Your neighbors avoid you a full month before Halloween.
Your garage, basement and attic contain nothing but Halloween props.
The only candelabra you own is in a spider web motif.
There is a monster under your bed because your attic/basement/garage is full.
Your electric bill higher in October than in December.
The family dog ignores masked individuals breaking into your house.
Instead of giving your child a cat or dog, you give them a gargoyle to play with.
The guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming and starts stacking gallon cans of flat black on the counter.
You go to "Goth Night" at a local club, armed with a pocketful of "volunteer recruitment" flyers.
you can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two minutes.
You're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for fear the police might show up at your house looking for the corpses.
You have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects, and won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween surprise!"
People refuse to walk into your house at night.
People refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
You have a customized license plate that has something to do with Halloween.
You start actually setting up your yard haunt in August...
You judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
Your toddler's first words are "TRICK OR TREAT!"
It's not uncommon to see a "Barbie" doll hanging in a noose in you're daughters room.
Your teenager wants his/her "own" coffin....
You start checking out the Halloween websites in June every year!
Have a ghost mailed to you every day from Ghostcaps! (via YesButNoButYes)
FrightBytes, the virtual haunted house has some great stories and other stuff.
Have you ever tried to sell a haunted house? It’s not easy! Especially when it comes with a story like this one.
The Ghost Finder Camera adds spectral images to the photos you take!
Fifteen Famous Freaky Ghost Photos. (via Neatorama)
GHOST PHOTOGRAPHY
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
The Hauntening
Previously at Miss Cellania: Ghost Stories, Horror Stories, Halloween Links, Skeletons, Halloween Candy, Halloween Costumes, Monsters, Pumpkins, Jack-O-Lanterns, Halloween Party, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and Zombies.
Thought for today: One need not be a chamber to be haunted; / One need not be a house; /The brain has corridors surpassing / Material place. -Emily Dickinson
humor jokes video funny Halloween haunt haunted house spooky scary
Jack-O-Lanterns
What would Halloween be without the traditional Jack-o-Lantern on the porch? Hmm, the answer used to be “dark”, but every house around here that has a Jack-o-Lantern also has strings of orange and purple lights now. But traditional still rules, so even though half the pumpkins are plastic, they are there and waiting for trick-or-treaters. I started writing on pumpkins early this year, because my garden produced a dozen of them! A few have rotted since, and Princess took one to school. There are still eight on the porch.
Pimp a Pumpkin! Enter your Jack-o-Lantern in College Humor’s contest by October 30th.
Noel’s 2006 Pumpkins. My favorite is the Death Star, but the Maurice Sendak pumpkin is great, too!
Make a Cylon Jack-o-Lantern!
Nick and his girlfriend carved this Jack Pumpkinhead Pumpkin that was posted at Kotaku. Go over there to see their Zelda pumpkin, too!
What does a 1,524 pound pumpkin look like?
Make a tiny LED Jack-o-Lantern.
Check out the squid pumpkin!
Mathematical Pumpkins. (insert pi joke here)
An Underwater Pumpkin Carving Contest? I didn't even know this was a sport!
Why Pumpkins are Better than Men
Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you.
No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
One usually makes a good pie.
So round, so firm, so fully packed!
But just like real men, as they age they grow soft and sweet... just before they rot.
PUMPKIN SHORTS
Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash
Why do jack-o-lanterns have stupid smiles on their faces?
You'd have a stupid smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Two pumpkin pies are in the oven, and one pie says to the other pie, “Are they really going to eat us?”
And the other pie says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING PIE!”
The Pumpkin Plunge
At a fall festival in Aurora, Oregon, a nearly 1,000 pound pumpkin was dropped onto a bus. Why? For fun!
Previously at Miss Cellania: Pumpkins
Thought for today: If the jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do, you just might be a redneck.
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Disney Princesses
Disney found out what a good thing was with the 1937 film Snow White. It was artistic, scary, creepy, beautiful, somewhat kinky, and ultimately satisfying. Then in the 50s and 60s, they got sidetracked by exploiting passive busty blonde princesses. The newer crop that began in the 80s was an attempt to do better. Ariel was less passive, but still a busty rebellious teenager who fell for the first pretty face she saw. Belle was a great improvement: heroic, loyal, and she read books too! Jasmine was an attempt to integrate the Princesses, but the movie Aladdin was still full of racial stereotypes, as was Pocahontas. Disney has a hard time getting a clue. Their best effort was Mulan, who was not white, not passive, and not at all boy-crazy. The trouble is, she wasn’t a princess, either. Still, Disney broke a mold with Mulan, then went on to release a truly dreadful sequel that undermined everything the original film was about. The best news is that my kids are just about old enough to see through the “happily ever after” now.
Hit the Road, Jack
Kyle Baker’s twisted version of Sleeping Beauty.
The Dirty Little Mermaid. (audio NSFW)
Sex, drugs, and racism in Disney films: a quiz.
Snow White, Cinderella, Little Red Riding Hood, and Rapunzel in a bit more adult setting.
The Disney Princesses talk about Chlamydia.
Betty Boop as Snow White
Snow White
Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
She got caught sitting on Pinocchio's face, shouting "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
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Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.
Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.
Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
That's easy ... Seven-Up!
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After centuries of misinformation, Fairy Tale Briefs at last reveals the hidden role of underwear in classic tales of enchantment. Here you’ll find the world’s first collection of fairy tales with knickers in their twists. Learn how lingerie saved Snow White’s life. Find out whether Cinderella was acting unseemly—or simply unseamly. And discover what really happened on the Night of the Living Bra.
A delightfully interactive version of Alice in Wonderland. (via the Presurfer)
Adult versions of classic fairy tales.
A fractured version of Cinderella, from Hoss.
Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.
A SHORT FAIRY TALE
One day long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full
of shit........
But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day.
THE END
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."