I was surprised and honored this week to be one of the recipients of Debbie Dolphin’s Beacon Blogosphere Awards over at the New England Lighthouse Blog. Then, for icing on the cake, that post was picked up by Reuters! Surprise, surprise. One of the awards is already in my sidebar; I’ll install the rest when I figure out how to do it. Thanks, Debbie!

I was also surprised this week by all the attention my Playhouse post received. It was linked at Neatorama, The J-Walk Blog, and YesButNoButYes, although I posted that last one myself. I guess I never told y’all how handy I was with a set of tools, although you should know I’m into hillbilly recycling.



Greenpeace Ad (via Arbroath)

Neatorama is in the process of determining the Top 5 Viral Videos of 2007. You can vote for up to five at the onsite poll, which has links to the 18 videos we thought were most popular. Just about all are family-friendly.

YouTube launched a Russian language edition just this month, and Peter Nalitch has become its first star. Funny, and the music is catchy.

It’s just a run-of-the-mill local story about a case that was dropped when the victim admitted she lied. BUT the defendant has the most unfortunate name in the history of the English-speaking world.

Quick and Dirty IQ Test (via Bits and Pieces)

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Above Average Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

I’ve tested higher elsewhere. Someone said they tested all the answers, and it always scores you low on logic. Maybe that’s because it’s not logical to take an internet IQ test!

There’s a new movie coming out about a woman with... I can’t even type it without giggling.

Ted and Anna get engaged, on the Scrubs set. This is the kind of post that will make you go all verklempt.

Top Ten Terrible Tech Products.

Real-life Superheroes: 10 People with Incredible Abilities. The kind of abilities you once found in carnival sideshows.

Is this a great name for a lawyer, or what?

After creating a comic on the concept, Randall Munroe of xkcd put a ball pit in his home. How cool is that? (via Grow-A-Brain)

Satelloons.

THAT FAMILY

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't  taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still  do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering  the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids  have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was  gay.

Two grandsons are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor  Castle?

Dr. Pepper hired Tay ''Chocolate Rain'' Zonday to make a music video for the new Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper.

Nine Famous Jewels from the Movies.

The science behind burping.

Why guys don’t want to be friends with a girl who breaks up with them. The McDonald’s Analogy makes a lot of sense.

Top Ten Useless Talents. Useless, maybe, but they still impress people, or at least make us laugh.

9 Telltale Signs You're Probably an Asshole.

A ballet pas de deux by amputees that will touch your heart.

A gallery of radioactive products. Most have links to more information, and you can vote for your favorites.

Do you occasionally feel guilty about downloading music without paying for it? Darren Barefoot has the solution with a website called Dear Rockers. Write a letter to a musician, and mail it off with $5. The site has a database where you can find many addresses. Also, send a photo or scan of your letter to the website, and they’ll post it. You can clear your conscience, showcase your creativity, and thank a musician all at once!

Chat Noir. Keep the cat from escaping the field. There are a few tricks you need to figure out to win.

COINCIDENCE

(Thanks, Rich!)
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence,'the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence' says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

Koopa

Koopa the turtle learned how to stand on his back legs! Koopa is also an artist, whose paintings now hang in all 50 states. You can see Koopa’s creations, and even buy a turtle painting at Turtle Kiss.

Thought for today: In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. -Joey Adams

humor jokes video funny games

Longtime readers here know my younger daughter loves elephants. She has a herd of them. Toys, art, and accessories, NOT real elephants. But she isn’t the only elephant lover around. There’s something about this strange animal that appeals to all of us. The elephant is the largest land mammal. It doesn’t pose much danger to people, as it is vegetarian. They are intelligent, and can be trained to do amazing things. They do everything with their noses, which is altogether fascinating. But kids’ fascination usually revolves around their size, and kids’ jokes are about the nonsensical juxtaposition of a huge being in a small person’s world. That’s cute. Many of us never outgrow that.



Elephants Playing Darts (via Arbroath)

Tuffi, the elephant who took a dive out of a train.

Video: A Gathering of Elephants.

How do you hide an elephant? (via Everlasting Blort)

Swimming Elephants.

Mythbusters takes on the old story about elephants being afraid of mice, with surprising results.

Those long noses come in handy. Elephants can smell danger! (via Rob’s Place)

Oops. Paris Hilton has nothing to do with drunk elephants.

Why elephant jokes are funny to kids (and not adults). (via Metafilter)

Elephant Shorts

(via Funny Pets)
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.

What do you do with a green elephant?
Leave it on the tree until it's ripe.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Great holes all over Australia.

What goes thump, thump, squish thump, thump, squish?
An elephant with one wet shoe.

What happens when you run around in an elephant's stomach?
You get pooped out.

What time is it when ten elephants are chasing you?
Ten after one!

What vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash.

Why do elephants trumpet?
They don't know how to play the violin.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant

The French book The Sex Life of the Elephant

The English book  Elephants I have Shot on Safari

The Welsh book The Elephant and its Influence on Welsh Language and Culture

The American book How to Make Bigger and Better Elephants

The Japanese book How to Make Smaller and Cheaper Elephants

The Finnish book What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People

The German book A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6

The Icelandic book Defrosting an Elephant

The Canadian book Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book How to Reduce your Taxes with an Elephant

The Swiss book The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants

The Israeli book The Elephant and the Jewish Problem

The Danish book Elephants - 100 easy ways of cooking them

Previously at Miss Cellania: Elephants, Elephant Tales, and Elephant Appreciation Day.

Thought for today: My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. -Steven Wright

humor jokes video funny games elephants pachyderm animals

Airline travel is a hassle. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Homeland Security looks at everyone as if they are a potential killer. They take pleasure in divesting you of your snacks, luggage, and dignity. Delays are inevitable. There’s a risk you’ll never make it to your flight or get bumped at the last minute. The seats are tiny, the food is lousy (or used to be, when there was any), and there’s always the chance of real trouble. So why do we keep doing it? Because usually the alternative is not going. Although it may take a whole day to fly from one side of the US to the other, it’s still faster than driving for days. Personally, I’d prefer the driving, but I can’t afford the few days or the gas!



Pre-Flight Safety Announcement (via Arbroath)

Furniture made from aviation salvage.

Dark Roasted Blend has a collection of “oops” moments at airports. All are presumed to be quite expensive.

Top Ten Secrets of Air Travel Insiders.

How to sleep on a plane.

What to do if your flight is cancelled.

Top 10 ugliest commercial airplanes ever. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

What do you do when your Boeing 767 runs out of fuel in midair? This is not a hypothetical question; it happened in 1983.

THE GATE

(via Phil’s Phun)
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said,

"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

BABY PLANES

(via Hoss posting at It’s a Raggedy Life)
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from K-City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer. So she told her child to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and posed his question.

The attendant smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

"Yes, she did," replied the boy.

"Well, then," said the attendant, "you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

"Have your Mom explain that to you."

CESSNA

NEWS FLASH! - Tennessee's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Kentucky students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have  recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

The Airline from Hell (via Dark Roasted Blend)

Thought for today: If God had meant man to fly, He'd have given him lots more money.

humor jokes video funny airline pilot airplane jet flying aviation

Math has been a real struggle for my kids. They don’t just naturally see the patterns in mathematics the way I did at their age. And the dichotomy between school and home isn’t helping. Princess wants help, but she doesn’t want to learn any “shortcuts”. She thinks shortcuts are cheating. I think of shortcuts as a different way of looking at the same calculation. If I could get her to see math from a different direction, I might help her see the patterns I see. But she’s terrified of doing her schoolwork any other way than the teacher’s way... and this year her math teacher is an elderly nun who is a bit, um, set in her ways. So I try to find situations outside of schoolwork to push her in math. I’ve put her in charge of figuring the tip every time we eat at a full-service restaurant. She is to figure 15% and 20% and decide on a round number between them depending on the service. I also consult her when I double recipes or divide portions. So far, it’s helping a bit. Any other tips on teaching will be appreciated.



Abbot and Costello try Math

A mathematician has a formula for finding the best partner. (via Fark)

Some easy math shortcuts everyone should know.

Your odds of winning the Powerball, illustrated with M&Ms. It’s no wonder they call the lottery “a tax on those who are bad at math.”

For some reason, math calculations are never a part of American game shows. This British clip shows how entertaining they can be.

Slide rules are really handy! (via Scribal Terror)

Gesturing Helps Grade School Children Solve Math Problems. I’ve heard it also helps adults release tension while driving.

Radical Math is a resource for educators interested in integrating issues of social and economin injustice into their math classes and curriculum. (via Metafilter)

Impress your friends with mental math tricks. 

Mudd Math Fun Facts, a site of math puzzles and games.

THE HORSE

(via Phil’s Phun)
A farmer had a horse that could understand nearly anything.

The story of the horse spread, and soon scientists showed up to study it.

Sure enough, the horse learned everything that was presented to it, with one exception: geometry.

The scientists were puzzled, but the old farmer knew the problem.

They were putting Descartes before the horse!

WAITRESS

Two mathematicians walk into in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats: "one thir -- dex cue?"

He repeats "one third x cubed."

"One thir dex cuebd?"

"Yes, that's right", he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd... one thir dex cuebd... one thir dex cuebd..."

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "What is the integral of x squared?"

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink "...plus a constant."

Thought for today: Theorem: Consider the set of all sets that have never been considered. Hey! They're all gone!! Oh well, never mind ...

humor jokes video funny games math mathematics numbers arithmetic ciphering

Have you been on the scales since Thanksgiving? No? Then you’re like me, you don’t want to face bad news. Turkey, dressing, gravy, potatoes, and pie will conspire against you every time. And even worse is that we are going into the Christmas season, with banquets, feasts, and parties full of cookies, candy, treats made with cream cheese, alcohol, and eggnog. It’s tradition! We eat fat-laden food in winter because we don’t have fresh garden produce and a layer of fat keeps us warmer in the winter. Of course, that logic went out with central heat and imported food, but we keep up the tradition because we can always slap a sweater on top to hide the new seasonal rolls... and I’m not talking about dinner rolls!

Dieting is Hard!

A “skinny gene” may explain why you don’t have skinny jeans.

Illustrated BMI Categories, an art project to show you what the classifications underweight, normal, overweight, obese, and morbidly obese look like on real people. I learned a lot about the Body Mass Index just by people’s reactions to this.

The Cat Miracle Diet.

The Twenty Worst Foods in America. For your health.

The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight

10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day, there's no time to exercise!

9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.

8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.

7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.

6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.

5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.

4. Part of our country's defense strategy: Asses too large to be kicked.

3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of Ben & Jerry's in 'em.

2. One word: Sprinkles 

... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"

SWIMSUIT

(via Phil’s Phun)
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

THE STRANGER

(Thanks, Rich!)

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he  "Hadn't seen his 'thing' in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger,  and not knowing what to say and wanting to be helpful, I said,

"Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? WHAT COLOR IS IT NOW?"

Previously at Miss Cellania: More posts on Dieting.

Thought for today: Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis

humor jokes video funny games diet weight fat overweight obese

After my bathroom remodel, I had a pile of discarded lumber in the backyard. The kids said, “Why don’t you build a playhouse out of it?”  I thought about the old lumber, and the discarded paneling on the front porch, and the leftover vinyl siding that’s been in the basement for a few years. OK! I’ll build a playhouse! We have a spot in the backyard that the previous owner had covered in concrete, for what reason no one knows, but it will do fine for a playhouse floor. We had been using it for bonfires, so there was about a foot of wet cinders and bricks to clear away and clean up. The house itself took a couple of weeks of pondering and planning, and I decided to buy some new 2x4s for the upright beams (for strength). If the kids were much younger, I’d opt for pressure-treated lumber, which is expensive and much harder to work with, but lasts a long time. My kids are nine and ten, so if this thing lasts one or two years, that will suffice.

I began with the frames for the front and back, completely from 2x4s. The uprights and crossbars are five feet long. The trusses were an adventure. I wish I could tell you I worked the dimensions out mathematically, calculating the hypotenuse of the angle, but no. I just eyeballed it, using the three-foot boards leftover from my uprights. The only saw I used was a jigsaw, which I’m pretty good with. Yeah, a mitre saw would have been better, but I didn’t want to invest in new tools for a recycling project. There is no outdoor electrical outlet near the backyard, however, so all my sawing was done in the front yard.

As with any rectangular building, it needed corner bracing. Lots of it. I thought it would be easy if I just bought some shelf brackets and screwed them on. Those were useful for temporarily holding the front and back frames together til I got them on site, but I ended up using lots of scrap pieces for diagonal braces, too. It didn’t help that I had very few nails more than two inches long. Lowe’s only sold them in ten-dollar boxes, so I just made do with what I had... some long nails, some staples, some U-nails, and the shelf brackets.

 

In the front piece, I framed the door opening with my last 2x4s, and added framing at the bottom. If I had to do it again, I’d frame across the bottom of the door opening, too. Then I moved the project to the backyard site.

The only part I needed help with was connecting the front to the back. I used a combination of new 6’ 1x4s and recycled lumber. The kids had to hold up the front and back frames while I connected the first side beams. Other than that, this was a one-person project. I added more diagonal braces for all three dimensions. The anti-twist braces double as corner shelves. I didn’t eyeball these, but used a true 45-degree angle to cut them. I used nails to connect them to 2x4s and screws to connect them to 1x4s (two or three in every corner). There’s nothing in the world more useful than a cordless drill with screwdriver bits! Still, my left thumb won't be the same for a while after I whacked it with a hammer, oh, maybe a dozen times.

The leftover vinyl siding will made a decent waterproof roof. Learning to cut it was a pain. I ruined a good pair of everyday scissors cutting the siding. Then I thought of the toughest, sharpest, most leverage-friendly tool I have... my tree-loppers. They don’t cut nice clean lines, but it got the job done! As I added siding up the roof, I thought about snow and how it would weigh the roof down. So I added some thin boards as support underneath. It won’t add much support, since there’s no upright beams under them, but it might keep the siding from bowing in too much under snow weight.

The upper part of the roof required me to get on a ladder (a six-foot ladder, much bigger than the one in the picture), which was OK except that there was no level ground near the back of the playhouse. I kept my phone in my pocket, in case I fell and broke something. Like my neck. I finished off the roof with the one piece of corner soffit I had left. Not aesthetically pleasing with the tabs showing, but it will get the job done. The roof siding overhangs several inches in the back and sides and even more in the front.

The side walls are made of old paneling taken from the remodeled bathroom. I nailed it to the outside of the uprights. I had to add one-inch shims to balance the sides, since the side beams were nailed to the outside of the front and back frames. I left an inch or so free at the bottom to keep the walls from soaking up rainwater. To do this, I stood my wall on my foot while nailing. I used a couple of nails on each panel, but attached most of it with a staple gun. No one piece of paneling was enough for any wall. One wall was a spare piece of shower enclosure leftover from the previous bathroom remodel... it had been in the attic for fifteen years! I figured it would be tough enough to support a window. Cutting a hole in the middle of this panel was one of the more difficult parts of the project. Between that, cutting the siding with scissors, and hammering my thumb, I was glad most of this was done while the kids were in school. There are certain words I don't want to contribute to their vocabulary!

A window was neccessary so the kids could have sunlight inside. I had saved a plexiglass panel from the old storm door that was recently replaced. It had a metal frame, so I couldn’t just nail it into a wall panel. I used some metal door handles salvaged from a set of kitchen cabinets. I used metal screws and nuts to attach the handles to the wall panel, then slid the window into the bottom two corners. Then I added the top two corners, so the plexiglass is not going anywhere that the wall doesn’t go. I added duct tape around the backside for strength, since I tore some corners of the panel a little when making the hole.

More vinyl siding on the outside walls now. I was halfway through with this project when I found that siding panels will snap together (duh) and stay in place long enough to attach them! That made the short pieces around the window work, since there was no upright to attach them to near the window. If I’d known the snapping secret when doing the roof, it would have made life easier. But you live and learn. Oh yeah, I made sure to measure the house again before cutting the siding, since my dimensions “grew” from the outside beams, paneling, and shims.

I measured the door frame and had to “readjust” (meaning: shove) the bottom of the house to match. Thats why I should’ve had a beam all the way across the bottom of the front. My first idea for a door was to use a shower curtain, but as  my plans evolved, I decided that wasn’t good enough. I built a frame using old boards measured and mitered, connected with staples and braces, and used the leftover piece from the shower enclosure to cover the frame. It wasn’t big enough, but I convinced the kids that they needed a “peephole” in the door.The door was hung using hinges from the aforementioned kitchen cabinets. To keep the door from swinging in, I slapped up a small piece of wood on the inside corner of the doorframe. It also swung way out, so after I finished the vinyl siding on the front, I added a door bolt the kids are supposed to use when they leave the house. I found another cabinet handle to use as a door handle, although it didn't match the hinges (or anything else). The eaves of the house are left open for ventilation. The roof overhang will keep rain from going in through the trusses. I am considering adding screen material sometime before next summer, unless the kids talk me into stained glass or something.

The kids loved it! They immediately went to work adding decorations (which involved me screwing hooks in the interior) and furniture. A plant hanger outside can hold a plant in the summer, or a bucket in winter. A bucket? I made a note to pick up a windchime for them when I can. Princess drew up a set of rules for their house. Click to enlarge if you want to read them.

If you want to build a much better playhouse, you can spend some bucks and follow the 21 pages of instructions here. Or get really fancy with these. IF you have a workshop full of tools, these plans are easy to follow!

I didn’t consult these, or any existing plans before plunging into my project, just made it up as I went along. The kids actually asked for a treehouse first, but I said no for many reasons, mainly because I’d probably kill myself building one. But if you are so inclined, there are instructions here and here.

Thought for today: Play is the highest form of research. -Albert Einstein

DIY playhouse building project children

Another post in the never-ending series on the differences between men and women. Its an eternal research project.

Today is a continuance of last week's topic, the drive to find a soulmate of the opposite sex (at least in most cases). We keep kissing frog after frog, knowing there's a prince or princess out there somewhere. Along the way, so many things can go so wrong. The internet has made meeting each other so much weirder. Here's a drasticly telescoped version of a weeks-long conversation I had with a man I "met" online last year.

He: I saw your picture, and I think you're hot. I want to get to know the woman behind the blog.
Me: I don't know, we have nothing in common, and you live 2000 miles away.
He: OK. Then lets have cybersex.

 
How to Tell When a Relationship is Over

Oh, here's a really compatible couple.

Should I dump him or not?

Top 10 Dating Mistakes Men Make.

For every complaint on one side, there's a complaint on the other.

Female Comebacks to Lame Opening Lines
Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



A VIEW FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Tom on the crazy things women find attractive.

From AskMen.com: Why women give bad dating advice.

Previously on Miss Cellania: More Mars and Venus posts, and more Lovelife posts.

Thought for today: If a man tells a woman she's beautiful, she'll overlook most of his other lies.

This post originally appeared on February 18, 2006.

humor gender jokes funny female women male men man woman

I was expecting 16-18 people for Thanksgiving, and prepared accordingly. But the out-of-towners dropped out in the last couple of days before the holiday, so we ended up with eleven people at dinner, which is great. I cleaned house, but I also knew everyone coming had seen my home at its worst, so there was no stress about it. And we had so much food! My 22 pound turkey will be providing sandwiches for weeks. Afterwards, the girls settled in my bedroom to watch holiday movies, and I realized this is the best part of Thanksgiving. The house is clean, the guests are gone, the refrigerator is full of food I don’t have to cook anymore, and we don’t have to get up early for the next few days. Life is good. For the moment.



Cat and Crawfish (via Arbroath)

I can imagine the dialogue for this encounter:
Crawfish: Stay back! I am big, scary, and dangerous!
Cat: Oh, hai! Do you has a flavor?
Dog: Zzzz.

How many days til Christmas?

Sproutifarts. In this game, you have to feed Brussels sprout to Mr. Sproutifart, or he will faint from hunger. Don’t forget to fart, or you’ll be sorry! It’s a sequel to Attack of the Sprouts, which you might remember from a couple of years ago.

Fifteen castles, each built by a non-architect, without contractors or professional builders.

Is it possible that hip hop music originated in Inner Mongolia?

8 clubs you probably couldn’t join.

Mr. T is back, in an ad for World of Warcraft.

The Ten Greatest Hoax Gadgets Ever.

Stuck in a Snowstorm

(via Bits and Pieces)
While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

Solve this logic puzzle and win lunch! Since it’s a holiday weekend, you can make it a family bonding activity.

This is what homemade fireworks can do to you. It’s just an x-ray, but still may be disturbing. 

Touch the Bubbles 2. In this game, listen to the sounds and repeat the pattern in the correct order. It’s a lot more difficult than you may think.

The Secret Strategies Behind Many “Viral” Videos. When a million people see the same video, it’s often the result of professional promotion.

When a Pen Trick Goes Wrong. He doesn`t screw up once-he screws up twice!

The most expensive junk food.

Ten Famous Product Failures, with video ads for each.

WRONG ADDRESS

(Thanks, Rich!)
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist.

Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Dear Penis (via Wulfweard)

Thought for today: The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

humor jokes video funny games

My mamamobile is in the shop with a fried transmission. At least that’s the diagnosis as they ‘splained it to me. Since they didn’t get it finished before the close of business Wednesday, the earliest I’ll get it back is Monday, which will be 19 days in the shop... after they estimated a week at the most. Whatdoyouwannabet it won’t be ready Monday? Meanwhile, I’m driving a borrowed truck. I had an opportunity to switch it for a fairly new Mustang, but turned it down. Now, that might sound like a redneck thing to do, but it’s not because I care anything about a pickup truck. It’s because I had just bought $50 in gas for the truck. Now THAT’S a redneck reason for you!



Redneck Games in East Dublin, Georgia (Thanks, Jan!)

Redneckapedia. The glossary you need to communicate effectively, or talk right. (via J-Walk Blog)

Understanding Redneck Philosophy.

Redneck limousines. (via Bits and Pieces)

Hillbilly postcards.

Despite what you’ve heard, rednecks are found all over the world, even in Manhattan!

Anyone want some SQURIL? (via Unique Daily)

LUNCH

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"

The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!".

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

THAT TV SHOW

What do they call Hee Haw in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.

REDNECK CHURCH

(Thanks, Evajane!)
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if

...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

...people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

...when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

...opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

...a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

...in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

...Baptism is referred to as "branding".

...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

...people think "rapture" is what yAlou get when you lift something too heavy.

...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

...the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.  

...the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

...the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

..."Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

...the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"

The Three Redneck Tenors (Thanks, Jan!)