April sent me an email thing that was supposed to make you fee all nostalgic for children's toys and other fads of the 70s and 80s. I couldn't relate at all, because I was an adult in that time period. She managed to make me feel quite ancient, again.

She was listening to some CDs the other day, and that old familiar riff came on, "Under Pressure" by Davd Bowie and Queen. But it was "Ice Ice Baby" and we remarked about how OLD the song was. (chorus: how old was it?) April tried to remember which GRADE she was in when the song was hot. I tried to remember who I was married to. We finally looked it up... 1990. Vanillla Ice's song is 16 years old. It could get a driver's liscence. And I think I will go take another dose of Geritol. And put a blanket over my legs.

Things other people did when they were your age. In case you needed another reason to be depressed. (Thanks, Del!)

The Institute of Official Cheer will remind you of some of the not-so-wonderful things from the past.

25 signs you have grown up.

OVER 30 AND A CURMUDGEON ALREADY

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen & pencil! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk about hardship? You couldn't just Download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! ! ;We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders"and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that Stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The 30 Something crowd!

*********

OK, here is the list April sent that started all this...

YOU WERE A GIRL IN THE 70S (and 80's) IF...
You wore a rainbow shirt that had half-sleeves; the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest, and down the other.
You made baby chocolate cakes in your Easy Bake Oven and washed them down with snow cones from your Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
You begged Santa for the electronic game Simon.
You had that Fisher Price Doctor's Kit with a stethoscope that actually worked.
You owned a bicycle with a banana seat and a plastic basket with flowers on it.
You learned to skate with actual skates (not roller blades) that had metal wheels.
You thought Gopher from the Love Boat was cute! (Admit it!)
You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
You had rubber boots for rainy days and Moon boots for snowy days.
You had either a "bowl cut" or "pixie," not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. People sometimes thought you were a boy.
Your Holly Hobbie sleeping bag was your most prized possession
You wore a poncho, gauchos, and knickers.
You could spend hours playing Pong!

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple satiny shredded outfits.
You spent hours in your backyard on your metal swing set with the trapeze. (The swing set tipped over at least once!)
You were really into ping pong and pogo sticks.
You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
Your hairstyle was described as having "wings" or "feathers" and you kept it "pretty" with the comb you kept in your back pocket.
You had to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink!
You know who Strawberry Shortcake is, as well as her friends, Blueberry,Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
You often asked your Magic-8 ball the question: "Who will I marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Andy Gibb?"
You carried a lunch box to school and it was metal, not plastic.
You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard, was your boyfriend.
Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" from the movie, "Annie" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it the whole day.
YOU had Star Wars action figures, too!
You had a pair of Doctor Scholl's sandals (the ones with hard sole &the buckle).
You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad; you wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffle shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture; and you despised Nellie Olson!
It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz"
would come on TV. Your mom would break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and Fame soundtrack record albums.
You tried to do lots of arts and crafts,like yarn and Popsicle-stick God's eyes, decoupage, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
You wore friendship pins on your tennis shoes, or shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.
You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book club. Double score if it was a teddy bear dressed in clothing. And the posters always had permanent creases because they came folded!
You learned everything you needed to know about "the facts of life" from Judy Blume books.
You wanted your first kiss to be at a roller rink.
You had a Big Wheel with a brake on the side, and a Sit-n-Spin.
You made Shrinky-Dinks and put iron-on kittens on your t-shirts!
You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape player up to the speaker.

******
This reminds me of when I was flirting with this one really hot geek from Generation X, and he was telling me about how Star Wars was an important part of his childhood. He had all the toys, and even role-played with his school friends. He asked me to recall the first time I saw Star Wars. I told him I didn't remember much about the first time, but I saw it again a few days later when I was sober, and liked it better. I decided he was altogether too young for me.

(sigh) When Gen-X starts to wax nostalgic, its time for us Baby Boomers to pull up a rocking chair. Here's some link for us older folks.

Remember the 1950s.

Woodstock.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Curmudgeon

Thought for today: By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

This post originally appeared on April 26, 2006.

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I’m seriously thinking about changing this blog and its format. The “topic a day” is easy to do, but doing several posts a day with only one item could be much more lucrative. The way I’m doing it now, I don’t get the links needed to bring in the traffic and the ad clicks. Look at Neatorama. Alex started that blog in August 2005, the same month I started this one. Now it’s huge and profitable, while this one barely pays its own expenses. I’ve been sorta doing that kind of thing with Miss C Recommends, and I enjoy doing it. This site would stay with the funny stuff, though. This week, I posted my very first feature article with 100% original content, Hillbilly Recycling. Although it got some nice comments, it was totally flat by mental_floss standards. It was my first mental_floss article that didn’t get submitted to Digg this year! So I’ll stick with researching and leave my personal life as a small part of my own sites.



Cell Phone in the Microwave (via The Presurfer)

Comic actor Harvey Korman died Thursday after a long and distinguished career in TV and movies. Here are some clips of his work.

The 6 Most Badass Stunts Ever Pulled in the Name of Science. Usually I recommend an article based on the subject matter (which is fascinating here), but this one is also fun to read for the inspired hyperbole of the writing.

The Two Stupidest Burglars in the World. Security cameras can be more entertaining than Hollywood sometimes.

The New York Times named its profile of webcomic xkcd “This Is Funny Only if You Know Unix”. I beg to differ, since I don’t know Unix and I find his comics hilarious almost all the time.

SHORTIES

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."
*****
"I have to be very careful not to get pregnant," a woman told her friend.

"I don't understand," said the friend. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy."

The woman answered, "Precisely."

Fireflies is a pleasant little game where you aim for as many fireflies as you can. Ricochet shots count, too! (via Dump Trumpet)

Top 11 signs you’re at a geek barbecue.  And eleven more.

Mommy’s Home.

To Catch a Super Predator.

History's 9 Most Terrifying Beauty Tips. Some of these might make you sick, just like the ancients who actually used them.

The weirdest news stories of the week.

UNIVERAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Fred Astaire in Smooth Criminal (via Boing Boing)

Thought for today: Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

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I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull last weekend and enjoyed it. There’s been a hue and cry from the 30-something internet geeks about “implausibility” (as if the other films were plausible) but I think it’s mostly a “don’t mess with my childhood icons” reaction. My kids were shocked that Indy was so old, but they weren’t expecting it. They’d only seen the first three films in the last couple of years! Personally, I was happy to see Harrison Ford gray and wrinkly and still sexy as hell. (OK, you young folks can all say “ewww” right now and get it over with.) But the best part? WARNING: SPOILER AHEAD. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, SKIP TO THE VIDEO. OK, it’s this. Indy gets married. And not to some young buxom blonde, oh no... he marries a lady of a certain age whom he had a relationship with decades ago. That’s an implausible but satisfying ending. A while later, I realized I have been there, done that already. Won’t be able to do it again. Sigh.



Old Folks Having Fun (via Bits and Pieces)

The Amazing Story of the 256-year-old man. His 1933 obituary listed his year of birth as 1677.

Five Athletes who Played Through Old Age.

Comic book and cartoon characters drawn as senior citizens. They don’t hold up any better than the rest of us!

Why you should never teach Granny how to use YouTube.

Pictures of a Really Cool Grandma. (via Bits and Pieces)

An Older Brain Really May Be a Wiser Brain. We of a certain age already knew it, but it’s nice to be confirmed by science. (via Geek Like Me)

My Class Reunion 

Every ten years, as summertime nears,
An announcement arrives in the mail,
A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;
Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;
We tried so hard to impress.
We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,
And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.
It was held at a fancy hotel.
We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,
And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first
To achieve great fortune and fame.
Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses
And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,
Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.
The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,
And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd
Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;
Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;
She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"
Was serving ten years in the pen,
While the one voted "least" now was a priest;
Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys
Who seemed to have aged the least.
Another was given to the grad who had driven
The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture
Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.
Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;
You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether
They impressed their classmates or not.
The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;
By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;
We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.
Then most of us lay around in the shade,
In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,
We were definitely over the hill.
Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,
And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait as they've set the date;
Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.
It should be a ball, they've rented a hall
At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;
My pacemaker's been turned up on high.
My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;
And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,
I'll dance until dawn's early light.
It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one
Other person can make it that night.

Fred and Ethel

Fred & Ethel were celebrating their 63rd wedding anniversary a few months ago. 

There we were in the fellowship hall of the church when Fred stood up, waving his fresh glass of water in the air and while glazing into his wonderful wife’s blue eyes, he said, “Honey after 63 years your love has been tried and true”. 

I remember Ethel looking up at fred with a funny look on her face, You know that look when your frustrated cause you can’t quite hear what the person just said hoping they’ll repeat the message perhaps a little louder.

Fred knowing that look on Ethel’s face, cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted his message again,  “SWEETIE, AFTER 63 YEARS YOUR LOVE HAS BEEN TRIED AND TRUE”

With that Ethel stood up water glass in hand, looking disgusted  with Fred, said this, “Well Fred , Ya know what – I got news for you – After 63 years … I’M TIRED OF YOU TOO!”

Remember Song -Tom Rush (via Bits and Pieces)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Many posts on Old Age. 

Thought for today: I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

humor jokes video funny old age senior citizen elderly

It occurred to me the other day that back when I first started driving, I could earn enough to fill my tank by working one hour at my minimum-wage job. Now I make way more than minimum wage (which has also risen), and it takes me about five hours of work to fill my gas tank. Granted, I have a bigger gas tank now in the Mamamobile, but that because I'm supporting a family. I also figured I am driving a LOT less now than when I was a teenager running the roads just to see where they went. Now I'm going to get all sentimotional about those days... (sniff) Excuse me, I'm feeling somewhat verklempt. Take a moment and read these jokes, and I'll try to pull myself together. (update: in the two years since this was written, gas prices have soared. Now it takes ten hours of minimum wage work to fill the tank!)



Find the cheapest gas prices in your city. If you don't live in a city, that's too bad!

If that doesn't work, try this one. (Thanks, Beth!)

Is it worth the extra gas to drive across town for lower gas prices? Calculate it here.

Watch the video I Can't Afford My Gasoline. (Thanks Linda!)

Golden Lucy on gas prices.

25 ways to save money at the gas pump.

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." --Jay Leno

Gas Prices vs ?
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . .

1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon
6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon
11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!

OIL SHORTAGE (Thanks, Ken!)
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas.

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!

The Petroleum Institute's Top 10 Reasons for the increase in gasoline prices:
10. Hussein threatened to invade Houston if we didn't raise prices.
9. We're doing our part to reduce global warming.
8. Demand is increasing, or decreasing, something like that.
7. We were hoping you wouldn't notice.
6. The consultant we hired to do this list is gouging us.
5. We're going to raise enough money to bail out the S&L's.
4. It's not a price increase, it's a user fee.
3. We want to see if gas pumps can count that fast.
2. There was a big oil spill in Alask... no, that was last time.
1. There was a sudden surge in demand for fuel to fly Dan Rather all over the Middle East.

by Greg Scott, with contributions from Mike Hildreth, Michael Yurko, and Robert Taft.
















Thought for today: Public transportation is so shocking to the individual that it should only be done in private.

This post originally appeared on May 5, 2006.

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In an earlier math post, I wrote about Princess’ struggle with arithmetic, and how it was a pure pain to get through her homework. Sometime in the last few months, the light has dawned on her. Maybe it was the dreaded fractions. However it happened, something just clicked in her and she could see the patterns in numbers, how math fits together in a unified system. Since then, it’s become her favorite subject! Her friend respond with “Ew,” as you’d expect, but a kid’s favorite subject is usually the one they do well in. Before, math was incomprehensible, but at least she served as a counterexample of the Asian stereotype. Now she serves as a case study that Asians who are good at math are not always that way because their parents make them work at it all the time! But I’m glad she’s crossed that hurdle. Gothgrrl still has a hard time with arithmetic.



Look Around You

Cool Math: toys for mathematically-minded adults and kids. I don’t know what a lot of these things are, but I want to play with them anyway!

A math joke. Click through to see more than one panel of the comic strip, but don’t miss Phil’s puns underneath the single one. More fun in the comments. P.S. I don’t really get the joke. I understand imaginary numbers, but is there a joke in why the eight can see it?

Math class with xkcd.

Logologos takes company logos and makes them into mathematical equations. Clever! (via Neatorama)

The real reason young people don’t want to become mathematicians. (via J-Walk Blog)

Math geeks go disco with I Will Derive!

NOAH

And Noah said to the animals: “Go forth and multiply!”

But the adders came to Noah and said: “But we cannot multiply, we are adders.”

Then Noah went out and chopped down some trees and built a table of logs. And he showed it to the adders and said:

“Look I have built you a table of logs! Now you adders can multiply!”

MEMORY TEST

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

STATISTICS

(via Phil’s Phun)

Clem asks Abner, "Ain't statistics wonderful?"

"How so?" says Abner.

"Well, according to statistics, there's 42 million alligator eggs laid every year. Of those only about half get hatched. Of those that hatch, three-fourths of them get eaten by predators in the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year old because of one thing or another. Ain't statistics wonderful?"

Abner asks, "What's so wonderful about statistics?"

"Why, if it wasn't for statistics, we'd be up to our asses in baby alligators!"

Mathematicious

Previously at Miss Cellania: Math, Math Degree, Math Gone Weird, Math Lessons, Math Teacher. Mathematicians, and Mathematics.

Thought for today: Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.  ~Robert Heinlein

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James Bond is the guy every man wants to be, and every woman wants to meet. He’s got it all: seemingly unlimited wealth, a perfect appearance, exquisite taste, a different woman every time he turns around, amazing adventures, the latest gadgets, and a license to kill. And he gets to save the world time and time again. There have been 21 official Bond films in the EON Productions series, plus two independent features. Ian Fleming created the character in 1953 and featured him in 12 books and 2 collections. Other writers have carried on with Bond stories after Fleming’s death in 1964. This post is in honor of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Ian Fleming tomorrow. Many events are scheduled for the centenary. A new Bond book, Devil May Care, will be released tomorrow. Here’s an excerpt. The new Bond film, Quantum of Solace, will be released in November.

Homeless James Bond

See part two here.

The 15 Most Cringe-Worthy James Bond Puns.

8 Essential Gadgets For a Secret Agent. All available for sale to James Bond wannabes.

 xkcd on Bond. (Thanks, Bill!) --->

List of gadgets James Bond used.

Top 10 Badass James Bond Villains.

The Lamest James Bond Villains.

Bond in Tearjerker.

Why did James Bond want his martinis shaken, not stirred? Here’s the straight dope.

All the Bond Girls.

To mark the 100th anniversary of Ian Fleming's birth, Charlie Higson, the author of the bestselling Young Bond series, has chosen his favorite Bond villains.

What better way to celebrate the centenary of Ian Fleming's birth than recreating a great James Bond adventure?

The James Bond bed is named “From Bed with Love”. Designed by Nicolas Mélan, it has a silent alarm, luminotherapic light, DVD, with the big integrated plasma screen, and profit from top audio quality, with the 5.1 surround THX system, and it’s big enough for two or more people. 

Top Ten Rejected James Bond Gadgets

from Late Night with David Letterman

10. Glove-compartment Slurpee machine

9. Super-itchy pants

8. Stapler with hidden scotch-tape dispenser

7. Self-cleaning Isotoner gloves

6. Special implants that turn 007 into a 009, if you know what I mean

5. Laser-action Flowbee

4. More-realistic-than-usual rubber vomit

3. Pepper grinder that dispenses a little too much pepper

2. "Real killer"-detecting nine iron

1. The Quiz Machine

GADGETS AND GIRLS

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

007 taps, taps his watch, and says "Damn thing must be an hour fast!”

James Bond Theme (with lyrics!)

Thought for today: You only live twice. Once when you are born and once when you look death in the face. -Ian Fleming

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I hope you are having a great Memorial Day holiday weekend. This weekend is traditionally the beginning of summer vacation, and most schools are out by now (not my kids; they go until Friday). If you haven’t thought about summer vacation travel yet, don’t put it off any longer because the hotels fill up and airline rates vary depending on how far in advance you book them. The problem with travel this summer is that many people look at $4 a gallon gasoline and rethink going anywhere. But hey, maybe it’s time you explored some of the vacation spots closer to home, or use your imagination for something really different, like a train trip or bus tour. Wherever you go, there will be something funny to remember. If you don’t go anywhere, you can take a virtual vacation on the internet!



Mookie and Sam's Summer Vacation

Learn just the amount of Spanish you REALLY need to know for traveling in Mexico and Latin America. (Thanks, PAgent!)

5 Vacation Planning Tips (According To Horror Movies).

Six Reasons to Visit Denmark, the World’s Happiest Country. Here’s one more.

Where is the most beautiful place on earth? (via Grow-A-Brain)

Travel Tips for Globetrotting Geeks. A little preparation can save you from technology withdrawal when you vacation abroad.

The 11 Most Awful Museums to Visit This Summer.

Road Trips!

(via Bits and Pieces)
Real places….
From Intercourse, Pennsylvania to Climax, Michigan
From Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina to Hell, Michigan
From Spread Eagle, Wisconsin to Hooker, Arkansas
From Cut-Off, Louisiana to Blueballs, Pennsylvania
From Cold Water, Mississippi to Hot Water, Mississippi
From Toad Suck, Arkansas to Monkey’s Elbow, Kentucky
From Panic, Pennsylvania to Fearnot, Pennsylvania
From Boring, Oregon to Eclectic, Alabama
From Ogle, Kentucky to Loveladies, New Jersey
From Smackover, Arkansas to Assawoman, Virginia
From Muck City, Alabama to Shite Creek, Idaho
From Fort Dick, California to Dickeyville, Wisconsin
From Dismal, Tennessee to Peculiar, Missouri
From Gaylordsville, Connecticut to Gay Mills, Wisconsin
From Sandwich, Illinois to Forks of Salmon, California
From Jupiter, Florida to Mars, Pennsylvania
From Big Foot, Illinois to Big Sandy, Wyoming
From Okay, Oklahoma to Uncertain, Texas
From Hornytown, North Carolina to Romance, Arkansas
From Big Beaver, South Carolina to Dildo, New Jersey
From Weed, California to High, Texas
From Success, Missouri to Crappo, Maryland
From French Lick Indiana to Climax Michigan…
From Lizard Lick, North Carolina to Dildo, Newfoundland
From “Bong Bong” NSW to “Humpty Do” Northern Territory
From “Come By Chance” Western NSW to “Iron Knob” in South Australia
From “Cockburn” Western Australia to “Burrumbuttock” New South Wales
From Little Dix Village (West Indies) to Tightsqueeze (Virginia, USA)
From Maggie’s Nipples (Wyoming, USA) to Sandy Balls (England)

Miss Cellania’s Hotel Guide

Tripadvisor’s 2008 Dirtiest Hotels in America and the UK.

Extreme Hotels.

5 Jail Hotels (Where You Pay to Be In Prison). For those times you want to spend your vacation seeing how the “other half” lives.

10 Of The Coolest Hotel Suites In The World.

It’s a pity that marvelous old architecture is left to rot, often due to lack of funds. But there’s beauty to be found in the ruins, as you’ll see in this collection of abandoned hotels from all over.

Seven Places to Stay in Dubai.

TRAIN

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Gas Pains, Vacation Photos, Vacation Planning, Vacation Trip, Tequila Beach Party, and World Travel. Personal stories: Road Trip Report and Washington, DC.

Thought for today: A vacation should be just long enough that you're boss misses you, and not long enough for him to discover how well he can get along without you.

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I have what some call "East Kentucky Chalk Teeth". When your teeth are hereditarily built this way, you can brush six times a day, floss, avoid sweets, use fluoride, and see a dentist regularly, and they will still fall apart. So I have extensive dental work collected over quite a few decades. I technically have all my teeth, but every one is filled, repaired, capped, or crowned in some manner.

When I moved back to Kentucky after many years away, I tried more than one dentist. They all had the same technique. "You have a cavity. Ya want me to pull that tooth?" I was shocked, but most folks here would just have the tooth pulled. Its much cheaper than repairing it. My current dentist has my loyalty because 1) he wants to try and save each tooth, and b) he lets me have all the laughing gas I require. He charges an arm and a leg, but I still have all my teeth! (at least technically)

DIAGNOSIS
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on..."


Investigating the Tooth Fairy.

If your name was Toothaker, wouldn't you feel pressured to go to dental school?

Lucy's recent dental experience.



EATING
A man went to his dentist because his mouth felt funny. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious. Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

To which the dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

The Dentist number from Little Shop of Horrors.

THE REUNION
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
"Surely I can't look that old?" Read on:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a
tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush
on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm...or could he????

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?" (Thanks, Linda!)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dental Work and Teeth

Thought for today: Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. -Johnny Carson

This post first appeared on April 5, 2006.

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Memorial Day weekend is here. This holiday suffers from extreme purpose creep. It is meant to be a day set aside to remember those who died in military service to our country. Somehow over the years, it also came to be a day to honor all veterans (which is what Veterans day is for). It also came to be a day to decorate all graves, no matter whose they are, at least around where I live. This has taken on sort of a fashion show feel for cemeteries. Memorial Day is also the traditional start of the summer vacation season. And then there’s the Indianapolis 500. That’s all fine and good, but sometime this weekend, please stop and give a bit of remembrance and honor to those who gave the last full measure for their nation and fellow man.



Pork and Beans -Weezer

Deforestation Hits Home. It takes dedication to illustrate deforestation in such a personal way. Harrison Ford is dedicated. And hairy-chested. Rowr.

Brandon Pinto spills the beans on what it’s like to portray Captain Jack Sparrow at Disneyland. They told him no flirting, no mentioning alcohol, and no facial hair. Huh?

10 Strangest Names EVAR! Some people had a legal change, and some were cursed by their loving parents.

MySpace Intervention. I LOLed.

There's a lot of BS and posing on the net, but every once in a while you have a chance to really do something worthwhile. Here's a case in point. (via