There’s (almost) nothing worse than a bad marriage -when you’re in it, itching to get out. People stay in bad marriages because 1. they stick to their vows, B. for the kids, and 3. fear. I don’t understand the fear. There’s fear of poverty, although I can tell you from experience that poverty is not as bad as the fear of poverty. There’s fear of loneliness, and I’ll tell you from experience that as bad as loneliness is, it beats being miserable. OK, that’s enough serious stuff. Good marriages have plenty of opportunity for comedy, but bad marriages have even more.



Sexual Communication

Here’s a husband you don’t want. Too bad so many women already have him. (Thanks, Jan!)

This study found that for each 16-point rise in a woman’s IQ, her marriage prospects declined by 40%. Is it any wonder that smart women are dying their hair blond?

Some folks stay together because they are afraid they can’t do any better.

To the guy doing my wife.

marriedtothesea.com

 

SHORTIES

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" 

THE ROBBERY

(Thanks, Rich!)
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".

The hostage answers "yes".

The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.

Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

FOURTH MARRIAGE

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
A woman announces to her best friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful," the friend intones. "But I hope you don't mind my asking, what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Well, what happened to your second husband?"

"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how terrible. I'm almost afraid to ask about the third husband."

"He died of a broken neck?"

A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Marriage, Mars and Venus: Marriage, Mars and Venus: Living Together, Cheating, Divorce, and Divorce or Murder?

Thought for today: I still miss my "EX" but my aim is improving.

PS: If you came here looking for something on April Fool's Day, just click the link!

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Yeah, yeah, I know... I posted about Chocolate Candy on Friday, The Pillsbury Doughboy  yesterday, and more food today. Hey, what else is left that’s so pleasurable? I gave up rollerblading a few months ago when I fell and scared the daylights out of my youngest daughter. I gave up shopping when... long ago. I gave up movies and TV when I became self-employed and had to work all the time. I gave up books when my eyesight went to hell. I gave up men when my supply ran out. But food is still good. Not that I’ve taken up cooking again or anything, but a nice ham and cheese sandwich on rye with mustard brings a smile to my face! And so does pizza, Hunan pork, Mom’s spaghetti sauce, crockpot chili, and a bite of chocolate for dessert.



Food Fight

The history of 20th century warfare, in food form. To keep the characters straight, go here.

Seven strange and wonderful dishes. Hey, if two foods are good, wouldn't they always be good together?

Food that looks like what it isn’t. An entree of waffles, then spaghetti, meatloaf, and hot dogs for dessert! (via Grow-A-Brain)

Chef Tattoos. (via Everlasting Blort)

Fun with Food.

The 20 Worst Foods in America. This ranking is based on their impact on your health; no doubt they taste pretty good.

What happens when you cook with bacon grease.

I love noodles!  (via b3ta)

Seven Deadly Delicacies. Food that can kill you.

8 (More) Disturbing Delicacies.

Advertising Vs Reality - A Product Comparison Project. You know the food you get is not going to look like the picture on the package, but it’s disturbing to see so many comparisons together.

A Pickle Sickle is just what you might think from the name -frozen pickle juice in a popsicle! Have you ever tried one? (via Slashfood)

Candy is becoming a bit different. Now you can get lollipops in Bacon and Absinthe flavors.

Tasty and difficult fruit. This graph sparked a bit of controversy, and inspired another graph that asks your opinion on fruit.

Cheeseburger in a can? What does it taste like?

What is the manliest manly dish you could serve for Superbowl Sunday? Carl served a Baconpig, a hotdog wrapped in ground pork wrapped in bacon. In a pig shape.

FLOUR AND WATER

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
How come when you mix flour and water together you get glue? But then you add eggs and sugar, and you get cake?

Where did the glue go?

You know darned well where it went! That's what makes cake stick to your butt. Ho ho har de har har.

THE EATING CONTEST

(via Phil’s Phun)
In Fyfe, Scotland, there's an annual tench-eating competition [tench are small fish like sardines].

The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.

Local boy Hix won through to the final and it was a contest between him and Sven.

The result was that Hix ate 27 tench and Sven managed only nine - so Hix was crowned world champion.

The headline?

One To Three For Fyfe's Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench.

NOT YOUR MAMA’S CHILI

(Thanks, Rich!)
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes, and quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Toast for Breakfast

Previously at Miss Cellania: lots more posts on Food.

Thought for today: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

humor jokes video funny games food eating meals cooking chef

When this post first came out, I was in the middle of switching this blog to a new host. I had also lost my job only a few days before (hard to believe that's been almost two years). I had no idea how it became as popular as it did, since I didn't know much about tracking at the time, and I was pretty busy besides. But it makes sense. We love these little adorable advertising icons... for a little while. With much repetition, they become annoying. It works for the advertiser. After all, we all know what company the Pillsbury Doughboy pushes, even if we forget his name is Poppin'Fresh. Like all cutesie characters, he's so much more fun when he gets embarrassed, punished, or put in situations you wouldn't expect. Republishing this post will probably cause it to lose its prominent position in Google search, but some of this stuff is funny enough to take another look. Especially since most folks who come here now weren't around two years ago.

 

Who’s to Blame?

I was shocked to find that the Pillsbury Doughboy was kidnapped! Luckily, the story has a happy ending. But this is not the first time it has happened!

Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped

By John Breneman

In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy from the heavily guarded Pop "n" Fresh compound in Crescent City, California.

No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy, the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.

The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads -- including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.

According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough, other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and the nearby heist of an armored Brink's truck filled with dough.

The only witness to the abduction was one of the Doughboy's bodyguards, who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched squeals of "Hoo, hoo!" coming from inside the vehicle.

Poke the the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Its even more fun to poke him here.

The Dancing Doughboy.

Make your own Doughboy Dance and sent it to your friends.

Sue Seibel sells anything and everything to do with the Pillsbury Doughboy!

His fan club.

When you are a big star, there are always outtakes circulating. And more here.

There was that one really embarassing moment caught on tape.

OBITUARY

(Thanks, Eva!)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and described Doughboy lovingly as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He also is survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Thought for today: Nothing says lovin like somethin from the oven.

This post originally appeared on May 10, 2006.

humor jokes video funny Pillsbury doughboy Pop-N-Fresh advertising

Alex at Neatorama saw my Tech Woes post, and posted it there to ask for suggestions. I got a huge response, and I’m still working my way through the tips. Honestly, I have been living with these computer problems for years, and I only wrote about them because I needed a post intro! But thanks, I appreciate them all. I have recovered Safari, but the typing is still slow. No doubt all the diagnostics people have told me about improved the system’s overall function. The family survived spring break, with the help of relatives who are willing to babysit, although I did have trouble with deadlines on the net. We didn’t do much cleaning -just straightening up the house, although we did get the pond cleaned and stocked. I have twenty new little fishes! I just hope they last a while.



BigDog Beta

Admit it, when you first saw Boston Dynamics’ BigDog robot, you thought the same thing.

This little robot scans the area to find a surface it can drum on! Can you say “adorable”?

The Ten Most Historically Inaccurate Movies. Hollywood never lets the facts get in the way of a good yarn.

You know someone just like this guy. Like the Guy Manual says, don't ever admit guilt, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.

Six March Madness Tournaments (without basketball)! Totally online and sports-free. 

You may be tired of Linerider videos by now, but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen Transcendental. With 126,000 lines, it runs as smoothly as silk.

The early days of Saturday morning cartoons were experimental and therefore delightful. Take a video look back at the years 1960-1964.

A 1995 Newsweek editorial dismisses the internet as a “cacophony” that resembles CB radio. How many wrong predictions can you count in this article?

The Top Ten Jackie Chan Stunts. This makes me hurt just watching it.

CHURCH SERVICE

The shapely topless dancer went to Mass dressed in her working clothes, but was stopped at the door by the priest. "Miss," he said, "you can't go in like that."

"But, Father," protested the churchgoer, "I have a divine right."

"Aye, and your left isn't bad, either," the man of the cloth responded, "but you still can't enter the church without proper attire."

 

The stories of nine disabled people who did exactly what they were not supposed to be able to do.

Virtual Sand. (via Bits and Pieces)

Hello, I am Mr. Google.

Seven Mysterious Disappearances. Read what happened plus the wild speculations of what might have happened to these people who were never seen again.

The 5 Most Ridiculously Over-Hyped Health Scares of All Time.

The Weirdest News Stories of the Week.

Tech Support

(Thanks, Rich!)
Cust : "I'd like to complain about the screensaver on my computer."

Tech : "What seems to be the problem?"

Cust : "It doesn't work."

Tech : "Ok. What's on your screen now?"

Cust : "Nothing. It's broken."

Tech : "Broken?"

Cust : "Yes. The screensaver didn't work."

Tech : "Of course it wouldn't work if your monitor screen is broken."

Cust : "Look! We had a break in at our house. They vandalized the place and smashed the screen with something."

Tech : "I'm sorry you were broken into, sir, but a screensaver won't work on a broken screen."

Cust : Angry now, "If the screensaver did what it's supposed to do, then my screen would not have broken. When they hit it, it didn't save my screen."

PMS Survival Tips (Thanks, Suzanne!)

Thought for today: The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

humor jokes video funny games

One thing that’s just great about Easter coming so early this year is that it marks the end of the “candy” holidays, until Halloween rolls round again. I still haven’t finished the Christmas candy! Oh, I don’t mind throwing out candy canes and gumdrops when they get old, but people who know me (several of them) gave me gifts of fine chocolate, which I enjoy very much. The kids also make sure I get the best chocolates out of any goodie bags they receive at holiday or birthday parties. Then yesterday I noticed the grocer still had some chocolate bunnies... at 60% discount! Yes, I’m guilty. I bought one. I HAVE to start a regular exercise regimen, if only in order to keep eating my precious chocolate.



JAPP Chocolate Energy Bar (via Bits and Pieces)

Survival of the Fittest M&M.

Can you believe a 99% cocoa bar? That might be too much of a good thing.

A closer look at chocolate addiction, including the many happy chemicals it contains.

Ten reasons to eat more chocolate. As if you needed them. (via Look at This)

A study links the type of bacteria living in people's digestive system to a desire for chocolate. The study took a long time to complete because it was so hard to find enough people who didn’t eat chocolate!

Chocolate-Covered Jeep.

Candy Love

Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day.

A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

NUTRITION

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Van Halen’s M&Ms

by  Candy Addict 
No matter how many blindfolded taste-tests I ace, I just can’t seem to convince people that I can taste brown M&M’s. They just taste… brown. When I first heard about Van Halen’s backstage rider, I thought at last I’d found some simpatico supertasters. Their tour rider used to require that there be a bowl of M&M’s, but that all of the brown ones be removed. If they found a single offending brown M&M, they supposedly trashed the place and/or refused to play. There are even newspaper articles detailing riotous tantrums resulting from improper candy screenings.

What’s interesting about this urban legend is not whether it’s true (it is) but why. Turns out, it had nothing to do with flavor, or aesthetics, or even rock-star-ego demands. No, it’s actually just a test to make sure the promoters had read the contract.

In a nutshell, Van Halen had a lot of heavy equipment that required strong cables, a stage that could withstand so much weight, and so on. They feared for the safetyof their fragile little bodies if the very specific contract went unread, so in the middle of a lot of technical instructions, the little devils threw in a clause forbidding brown M&M’s backstage. If they found the bowl they’d requested to be unsorted, they’d know the contract hadn’t been scrutinized, and hence the following hissy fit. It’s all perfectly reasonable. (By the way, for your convenience, I’m just paraphrasing a beautifully reported story from Snopes.com. For the full story with quotes, you should totally check out this wonderful site).

Oh, and in this litigious age in which we now live, Van Halen no longer finds it necessary to mess with the minds of concert promoters– they just straightforwardly ask for a dozen Reese’s cups.

Read about more Candy Urban Legends at Candy Addict.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Chocolate, Chocolate and Coffee, and Coffee and Chocolate.

Thought for today: Flowers wilt, jewelry tarnishes, and candles burn out, but chocolate doesn’t hang around long enough to get old!

humor jokes video funny games chocolate cocoa candy

I love nerds. I could sit and listen to a nerd talk for hours, even the parts I don't understand. Maybe its just part of my obsession with observing human behavior. More than once I've been called a nerd myself, but I'm too people-connected (touchy-feely) to qualify under most definitions.

In 1988, I joined a Mac club based in Oak Ridge, Tennessee. The nerdiest guys on the planet. Think nuclear physicists who want to learn how to draw cartoons on their computers. I was there for hours before they realized there was a WOMAN in their club.

In college, I dated this nerd who was working on a PhD in molecular genetics. His idea of a good time was sneaking me into the biolab at Mizzou to show me his electron microscope. He was NOT being euphemistic. Fun, but I just couldn't get past the bad breath. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be now if I'd just given him some altoids.

White and Nerdy -Weird Al Yankovic

Do you think you might be a nerd? Try this test to find out. Then another.

Some say nerdiness might be a sign of Aspergerger's Syndrome. You might also want to take the Asperger's test. Passed all of those? Then find out whether you are really cool.

If you have ascertained that you are a nerd, you may be interested in the Nerd Liberation Movement. The author could use a spell checker, however.

Nerd TV: An internet show where each episode features an interview with an interesting geek. You can watch all of it or just the good parts.

Nerd Season
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

"You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"

Nerd Love?
Its a common idea that nerds don't get very far with the ladies. Or with men, if you're talking about a girl nerd. Or even with the same gender. From my research, I've found that's altogether a myth. Women love nerds, they just find them hard to reach. This blog entry talks about a study showing nerds do just fine, thank you. They will even brag about it, if given half a chance. Here are the reasons nerds are such good lovers.

I also found a dating service for nerds... and its FREE! If you find a match, whether on this site or not, you may want to consult this dating guide for nerds.

Phone Sex for Nerds

Previously at Miss Cellania: Geek Cooking, Geek Sex, and Geeks.

Thought for Today: I just wanted to say that I'm a nerd, and I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it. -Revenge of the Nerds

This post originally appeared September 22nd, 2005.

humor links video funny nerds

The time is here that I weigh the cost of driving to the convenience store up the hill for $3.50 milk as compared to driving two miles to the supermarket to buy $3 milk. I think about the cost-benefit ratio of taking my kids to see their grandmother (the one who lives 17 miles away). That’s just sad. Gone are the days when we’d joyride around the countryside for hours on lunch money. The car would break down a few times before we got home, but that was back when a teenager could fix a car with a few tools (and a coat hanger and duct tape). And vacation? If we go to any of our normal getaway spots this year, the gas will cost more than the hotel! Still, I don’t mind sticking close to home... my friends are all here on the internet anyway!



How to Beat High Gas Prices

How far can you go after the gas light in your car comes on? At Tank on Empty you can check your car model’s performance, add information, or submit a story. (via The Presurfer)

Making streets safer, by getting rid of traffic lights, stop signs, and sidewalks. Huh?

License to Rant is a blog of license plates, particularly vanity plates that cause you to scratch your head and wonder what they were thinking. Some are so hard to decipher that commenters leave their best guess. (via Grow~A~Brain)

Ten Weird, Wild & Wonderful Japanese Cars We Never Got to Buy.

If you never read about cars, you’ll want to make an exception for this one. Jeremy Clarkson (whose reviews are always worth reading) was supposed to write a review of the Renault Laguna Sport Tourer Dynamique. He didn’t much like the car, so he wrote a wonderful piece about why people wash their cars. Or don’t. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

What causes traffic jams? A team of mathematicians from the University of Exeter explain some are the result of a “backwards traveling wave.’ Something to think about the next time you’re stopped in traffic.

Top Ten Extreme Cars from SEMA 2007. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

Peculiar Streets around the World.

How well do you know Hollywood cars? I got 80% on this quiz, although I hadn’t seen a lot of the movies involved. (via Geek Like Me)

Rejected Names for Cars

(via Bits and Pieces)
   1.  Dodge Battering Ram
   2. BMW 325,000,000
   3. Mercedes Hahaha peasant
   4. Audi, Pardner
   5. Ford Vehicle
   6. Cadillac Emperor
   7. Subaru Hippie Chick
   8. Mercury Expectation
   9. Buick Potentate
  10. Lexus Cougar
  11. Pontiac International Man of Mystery
  12. Saturn Zeus
  13. VW Hipster
  14. Chrysler Going out of Business Sale
  15. Saab Story
  16. Jeep BBQ
  17. Toyota Soccer Mom
  18. Porsche Paprika
  19. Jaguar Commoner
  20. Hummer MILF

LISCENCE PLATES

(from Snopes)
Allowing motorists to obtain personalized plates provides them with an opportunity to obtain something distinctively unique, something that commands far more attention than the usual humdrum string of letters and digits. Sometimes, though, one's choice of license plate can command an unexpected and undesirable form of attention.

In 1979 a Los Angeles man named Robert Barbour found this out the hard way when he sent an application to the California Department of Motor Vehicles requesting personalized license plates for his car. The DMV form asked applicants to list three choices in case one or two of their desired selections had already been assigned.

Barbour, a sailing enthusiast, wrote down "SAILING" and "BOATING" as his first two choices; when he couldn't think of a third option, he wrote "NO PLATE," meaning that if neither of his two choices was available, he did not want personalized plates. Plates reading "BOATING" and "SAILING" had indeed already been assigned, so the DMV, following Barbour's instructions literally, sent him license plates reading "NO,PLATE." Barbour was not thrilled that the DMV had misunderstood his intent, but he opted to keep the plates because of their uniqueness.

Four weeks later he received his first notice for an overdue parking fine, from faraway San Francisco, and within days he began receiving dozens of overdue notices from all over the state on a daily basis. Why? Because when law enforcement officers ticketed illegally parked cars that bore no license plates, they had been writing "NO PLATE" in the license plate field. Now that Barbour had plates bearing that phrase, the DMV computers were matching every unpaid citation issued to a car with missing plates to him.

Barbour received about 2,500 notices over the next several months. He alerted the DMV to the problem, and they responded in a typically bureaucratic way by instructing him to change his license plates. But Barbour had grown too fond of his plates by then to want to change them, so he instead began mailing out a form letter in response to each citation.  That method usually worked, although occasionally he had to appear before a judge and demonstrate that the car described on the citation was not his.

A couple of years later, the DMV finally caught on and sent a notice to law enforcement agencies requesting that they use the word NONE rather than NO PLATE to indicate a cited vehicle was missing its plates. This change slowed the flow of overdue notices Barbour received to a trickle, about five or six a month, but it also had an unintended side effect: Officers sometimes wrote MISSING instead of NONE to indicate cars with missing license plates, and suddenly a man named Andrew Burg in Marina del Rey started receiving parking tickets from places he hadn't visited either. Burg, of course, was the owner of a car with personalized plates reading "MISSING."

Nonetheless, some motorists still choose personalized plates destined to land them in similar trouble. Jim Cara of Elsmere, Delaware, found that out the hard way when he selected the phrase "NOTAG" for the license of his Suzuki Hayabusa motorcycle in 2004:

Jim Cara wanted a vanity license tag that would make people laugh. But when he chose "NOTAG" for the plate on his Suzuki Hayabusa, a sleek blue and silver motorcycle with a speedometer that reaches 220 mph, the joke backfired. The new tag arrived Saturday under an avalanche of Wilmington parking violations. "All the traffic tickets say, 'Notice of violation. License number: no tag,'" Cara said.

City computers, talking to state Division of Motor Vehicles computers, had finally found an address for ticketed vehicles that lacked license tags: Cara's home in Elsmere.

"I messed up the system so bad," Cara said. "I wonder if they can put me in jail or something?"

He has received more than 200 violation notices. The mail carrier came twice on Saturday. Cara opened a few. They ranged from $55 to $125 for violations such as meter expirations.

Cara, 43, who works for the American Motorcycle Association, said he's been a lifelong prankster. This time, though, "the cleanup is going to be worse than the joke," he said.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Automotive, Car Buying, Cars, Cars and Driving, Driving Lessons, Gas Pains, Traffic, Traffic Jam, Traffic Problems, Vehicles, and Women Drivers.

Thought for today: It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

humor jokes video funny car automobile vehicle driving traffic highway

If it weren’t for flight training in the armed forces, we probably wouldn’t have pilots for the commercial airlines I post about so often. We may not have had any astronauts for the Mercury or Apollo missions, either. And we wouldn’t have Top Gun, either! Military pilots are the real cowboys of the modern world. There’s a reason Chuck Yeager was included in the collage I made for the Manly Men post. It takes a lot of balls to break the sound barrier, or fly deep into enemy territory, or land on an aircraft carrier. Aircraft carriers may look big, but don’t compare them to boats. Compare then to airport runways, and that’s when you realize how tiny they are! Anyone who’s ever had to land on one gets my respect automatically.   



Air Drops

To operate in the world of the military pilot, you have to understand the language. Here’s a glossary of definitions, lies, and universal truths.

How To Hide An Airplane Factory.

A century of helicopters, in pictures.

I have a message for you, and I got the Royal Navy to deliver it. You can have them deliver a message for you, too! (via The Presurfer)

Can you make an aircraft carrier out of an iceberg? It’s been considered!

PRESSURE

(via Phil’s Phun)
During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."

 

Landing Clearance

The military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Telling Time

(Thanks, Rich!)
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.' "

THE RETIREE

(via Phil’s Phun)
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second  career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss  was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite  bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

Previously at Miss Cellania: Military and Tanks for the Memories

Thought for today: The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.

humor jokes video funny games Air Force military pilots airplanes jets

Over time I find myself becoming more and more of a geek, but only in relation to what I started out as. I’ll never understand the inner workings of real programming. If I did, I wouldn’t be so baffled many gremlins in my own machine. My word processor takes fits. I will type a sentence (and I’m not the world’s fastest typist) and then sit back and wait while one by one the letters appear on the screen. It may take thirty seconds or so for my words to appear. No one can figure this out. No matter what browser I use, I cannot paste URLs into a link field at Blogger or Moveable Type. At Wordpress, I can paste in using rich text, but not html mode. I can at Squarespace in Foxfire versions 1.4 and 3, but not version 2. I can't have Safari ever again because I for some reason don't have Safari now. I always manage to come up with problems no one has heard of before. If I were a geek, I’d be spending all my time casting out demons or whatever it is they do.

The worst thing about Mac is ... Mac fans. (via Geek Like Me)

The Top Ten (fictional) Evil Computers. I’m not familiar with all these, but I remember having nightmares about Nomad.

Signs that programming may be ruining your lovelife.

30 Error Messages You Never Want to See.

The Programmer Dress Code. The world’s greatest ubergeeks all seem to share a sartorial deficit. And they can’t get their hair to behave.

More Funny Tech Support calls.

Getting a computer repaired by the Geek Squad at Best Buy inspired a poem. A really funny poem you can sing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies.

TECH SUPPORT

(from a comment in response to Tech Jokes 1.0 at Neatorama -Thanks, jmanna!)
Dear Technical Support,

I am writing to express my deep dissatisfaction with your Companion for Women series of programs. While Boyfriend Ver1 was quite lovely, having flowers delivered, sending sweet emails, subsequent versions were increasingly less useful. Each version would install numerous additional sub-programs that I could not disable. I’m not entirely sure what the ‘Night Out With the Boys’ program does, only that while it was running the Boyfriend program seemed to disappear from my system. If I tried to uninstall NOWB I would get a Smothering error message.

I was told that would all be fixed in the latest version, Husband, but I have found this version riddled with even more problems then the Boyfriend series. The Flatulence audio bug is particularly annoying.

The regular email alerts no longer contain compliments and declarations of love. Instead they complain about the figures in the Quicken budget and criticized the frequency of my online shopping purchases. I also keep finding links to diet and plastic surgery websites that I did not add in my bookmarks folder. That is particularly amusing since I’ve needed to upgrade my RAM several times to compensate for Husband’s ever expanding consumption of resources.

The calendaring functionality is completely broken as the Anniversary, Birthday and other special occasion features have ceased to function at all. The Handyman program functions sporadically, only working for one Saturday out of a month. If I’m lucky. I’ve just given up on the Romance packet. And don’t get me started on the Bedroom Peripheral. Functions for about five minutes then just dies and refuses to function again for several days.

The program is also quite susceptible to viruses. The Buddies Worm has destroyed my operating system, particularly the Living Room Suite. Some second party program called ‘Poker Night’ installed itself, consuming even more of my resources and littering my system with vulgar .txt files while the tower discharges this noxious smoke.

Any attempts to modify the Husband program have been met with administrative error messages berating me for being too controlling. In fact, the Husband program has taking over most of my operating system, bogging it down with constant requests, especially ‘file not found’ errors. The program just can’t seem to keep track of anything for itself. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to re-establish file paths for it.