Beware opening any doors, boxes, or attachments today! If a news story looks a little strange, its possibly not true. Be aware that when you turn a corner, you may see things that aren't right. Take a small dose of cynicism before you answer the phone. And keep your shoes tied!

April first is a day you have to give a pass on lying. You don't HAVE to, but people are going to lie to you one way or another today. My kids will tell me the awfulest tales and expect me to fall for it. It really doesn't matter if I do or if I don't; they will laugh laugh laugh at themselves and their "cleverness", whether its funny or not.

 
The History and Origins of April Fool's Day.

Wikipedia lists  April Fools Day hoaxes from last year.

100 greatest April Fools pranks of all time.

Ten April Fool’s Pranks That Bombed.

Prank Place, where you can buy gags.

The Prank Institute has some April Fool's Day suggestions.

Wired News posted their list of the Ten Best Internet Spoofs.

One of my favorites from last year, UN votes to Shut Down the Internet.

Send your friends a link to the Ultimate Personality Test, perfect for April Fools Day!

For the second year in a row, Thad's friends planned a prank to make him think he won the lottery. They taped a previous night's lottery drawing and then bought a lottery ticket to match those winning numbers. They had him buy his own lottery tickets, then they swapped it out with the fake ticket. They played the pre-recorded drawing as Thad checked his numbers. If you ever wanted to know what it feels like to win the lottery, this gives you a pretty good idea... Not safe for work or kids due to audio.

There's even a tribute song about the episode, We F'in Won. Priceless.

A whole bunch of wonderful pranks from Improv Everywhere.

Thing in a jar.

Why you shouldn't send sabotage links.

Demented Pixie's April Fools pranks for 2005. And for 2006.

The first of April, some do say,
Is set apart for All Fool's Day.
But why the people call it so
Nor I nor they themselves do know.
But on this day are people sent
On purpose for pure merriment.

Thought for today: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

humor jokes video funny April Fool pranks fool holiday

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We are getting up into Spring, aren't we? Time flies when you're not paying attention! The most popular post in March was Bad Jobs, mainly due to StumbleUpon, which I really appreciate (and you should all join, so you can "stumble" me every day). Squirrels Gone Bad  was a close second. Male Anatomy would've done better if I had just named the post Penis. Other than that, it was just busy busy busy at this site and others. I applied for some jobs, potted up my tomato plants, and generally stayed awake all the time. I'm going to have to get a real job to achieve any downtime at all! Here are some memorable links from March.

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Is it a sin to tell a lie? Some say yes, others say not always. And that’s just the Christians; there are philosophies all over the spectrum.  The truth (haha) is that everyone lies. A lot of lying makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. A white lie is designed to spare someone’s feelings. Its better to lie about having to visit Grandma than to truthfully admit you don’t want to go to your classmate’s stupid party. There’s no good to come of telling a co-worker her new hair color honestly sucks.

Maybe the real judgement on lying is who gets hurt by a lie. Bill Clinton (and you knew this would come up) lied when he said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And it hurt one person. Monica Lewinsky’s feelings were really hurt by that. It was a lie, but not quite on par with, say, creative auditing that embezzled millions of dollars and ruined the pensions of thousands of low-level employees. Or manipulating facts to justify a pre-emptive war. I’m just sayin’.

People for the Advancement of White Lies is a marketing site for the new Richard Gere Movie, The Hoax. You remember Clifford Irving, who wrote Howard Hugh’s fake biography, don’t you? Gere plays him in the movie version. (Thanks, Chris!)

The Master of the Tall Tale: Baron Von Münchhausen.

The Master of the Hoax: P.T.Barnum.

Liar, Liar! Jules wrote about the men she meets. Here’s part one and part two.

How to tell when someone is lying to you. (via Look At This)

Ten Lies about Iraq.

Enough white lies to ice a wedding cake! Who is the best liar here?

Rodney Carrington tells it like it is. (via File It Under)

THE CONTEST

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

THE THIMBLE

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" 

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in
making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you   crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your  husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord  was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh,  forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had  said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with George Clooney.  Then  if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.  Had I then  said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.  Lord, I'm not in  the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,  so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the Lord let her keep  him.

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a  good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our  story, and we're sticking to it.

(Well, what would YOU have done?)

HEAVEN’S CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Girls Lie, Too -Terry Clark

Thought for today: A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

humor jokes video funny games lies untruth prevarication perjury lying

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About three years ago, I inherited six cases of beer. I don’t like the taste of beer, and I only drink on social occasions (which I don’t have), so why keep it? The plan was to use it for gifts, always a good tip for people (meaning men) who help out a family of females. As it turns out, those helpful volunteers never showed, so I have a bunch of beer I am told is too old to drink. There should be some way to recycle old beer, possibly to enrich the compost heap. Do you have any better ideas?

Eulogy for a Fallen Beer

The Beer Drinker’s Dictionary. (via Bits and Pieces)

The Top Ten Beer Myths.

32 Things You Can Do With Beer. (via J-Walk Blog)

The Beer Advocate.  

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk. You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all. And while you don’t like beer, prefering Southern Comfort, you like the feeling of being a little tipsy. You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is a little Miss Cellania!

The Washington Post is having their own version of March Madness called Beer Madness. Check out the brackets. (via I Quit for LIJIT)

Some Guiness World Records were discarded from the official version, due to fear of litigation. Because they don’t want people to try and break these records. You guessed it, they are drinking records.

Ten Feet Tall and Bulletproof: How NOT to act if you are ever arrested for DUI. (via Gorilla Mask)

For further study, your professor of Beer Science is at UC Davis.

Opening a Beer with a Helicopter

Aussie Beer

(Thanks, Phil!)
 What is an Australian's favorite beverage ? .........Aussie BEER of course. Australian's love their Beer so much they have developed a glossary of affectionate terms to describe "the golden amber", "the liquid gold", " the cold gold" or the "amber refreshment".

If you're "having a few beers" you might drink it out of a can or glass. Cans of beer are most common in Australia and contain 375ml /12 oz. Cans may be referred to as "tinnies", "tubes" or "coldies". Small short (375ml) bottles are called "stubbies". Large "oil cans" like those sold with Fosters in the US are rare in Oz but "big bottles" holding 750 ml are an old favorite for taking to Aussie parties, barbecues and "pissups".

The place where "the blokes go to down a few" is at the "Pub" (Public House). Pubs are Hotels found in every town throughout Australia. The Pubs are owned by the Breweries and were originally designed to provide food, beverage and accommodation for weary overland travelers. Besides "Pub", Hotels are sometimes referred to as "the rubbity dub" (rhymes with Pub), "the Poison Shop" or "the Boozer"

Each Pub has separate areas for drinking such as the "Public Bar", the haven for the thirsty beer drinking workMAN to "belly up".(You won't win any friends if you take a lady into the Public Bar.) Social drinking especially with the ladies is done in the "Saloon or Lounge Bar" and many Pubs have "Beer Gardens" for outdoor drinking at tables.

Beer here is imbibed in glasses pulled from kegs. Beer is ordered in "Middy" sized glasses (285 ml or 10oz) or "Schooners" (425 ml or 15 oz). Rarely does one ask for a "Ponie" (150ml,5oz). If you do you run the risk of being called "a woos (rhymes with puss)", "a wowser" or "a piker" definitely not a MAN.

As for Beer Brands, in Sydney, Pubs serve mostly beer from Carlton United Breweries such as Fosters or the more popular Victoria Bitter "Vicky Bitter" or our favorite Reschs, and from Toohey's Brewery there's Toohey's New, Red and Old (dark) beer. Light Beer ("unleaded") is also available.

"A Shout" is a round of beers usually paid for by one member of the party. Each person takes turn "shouting a round of beers" paying for them at the time of delivery. (there is no divvying up a Bar Tab). Whatever you do don't risk the disgrace of being called "a Bludger" or worse if you don't shout a round when it's your turn. A few other pointers - Never insist on paying for all the rounds it's frowned upon, and never ever over Tip. (another topic) 

Too much beer may result in a drunk or inebriated condition. Many expressions refer to this condition such as "he's Chockers" (chock a block full), or "he's Elephants" (Elephants trunk,drunk). Other more mundane words include "loaded", "rotten","pissed","smashed", "stonkers", "stinko" "well under" or "zonked". Some of the more colorful expressions for being under the weather include "full as a goog","pissed as a parrot", "snakes hissed" or "shot full of holes". Under these conditions you might have to throw up. Common coloquial terms to describe this indignant act might include "chunder", "spew" or "yodel". Descriptive expressions include "a liquid laugh","a technicolor yawn" or "praying at the porcelain altar".

Of course we dont advocate overdrinking and just as  hefty penalties and fines are enforced if you "Drink and Drive "Well Under" Downunder".

So enjoy a few Beers at the "Rubbity", Club, Barbie or other social events with the "blokes and shelias" but remember don't over do it.

Drinking Time! (via Mental Floss) Stay with it; the second half is the good part.

Beer Bellies

1. Beer bellies are cool, and a good one will keep Snobbish girls from pestering you.

2. A good one can double as a TV tray for chips and beer  

3. It is a great way to meet cute Cardiologists.   

4. Beer bellies have a lot room for more tattoos when your arms and back are full.   

5. The belly button can store up to eight one dollar coins for the parking meter.

6. Big beer bellies make the best waves and splashes when you do belly flops in the pond.   

7. And with a big beer belly, there is more of to love.

The Beer Festival

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

 The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Beer and Beer Technique

Thought for today: Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -Benjamin Franklin

humor jokes video funny games beer brew alcohol drinking drunk

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No, we don’t ever really understand death, at least ‘til we experience it, but children understand even less. Grandma told my very young daughter that she’d get the good china when Grandma died. She shouldn’t have been surprised when Prncess asked several times over the next year when she was going to go ahead and die! She eventually asked me if she could have my china when I died. I replied, “No. You can have it when you have your own home and a china cabinet to put it in. Then you can cook for me.” There, problem solved! I don’t want to be reminded about my own death any more than the next person. But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying links and jokes about the Grim Reaper.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

The Alphabet of Death. Ways to die, from A to Z.

The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History.

The 30 Strangest Deaths in History.

List of unusual deaths.

Can you spot the hidden message in this epitaph to the right?  (via Scribal Terror)

Book of the Dead: Victorian Post-Mortem Photography. Yeah, it was the custom in those days to photograph the dead.

The reality show America's Next Top Model featured a competition wherein the contestants posed as dead people. Alrighty then.

You might remember the sad and schmaltzy song Honey by Bobby Goldsboro. This video makes it a bit more bearable with a humorous interpretation.

Check out some awesome cemeteries! Yeah, I wrote that article. The pictures on the Merry Cemetery crosses are fascinating. I almost included this one, but Mental Floss might have fired me.

Death, the Last Taboo.

Strong Bad’s funeral.

Strange Funeral Rites from Around the World.

How to tell if he’s dead.

THE THREAT

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."

SEX

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't."

THE SIGNAL

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.

He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.

The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.

She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just WHERE do you think he's calling from?"

Previously on Miss Cellania: Death

Thought for today: Science advances, but the death rate remains the same: One per person. (via Old Horsetail Snake)

humor jokes video funny death dying mortality Grim Reaper

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A Fark thread (so long ago, I can’t find the link) talked about the five questions men don’t want to answer. We’ve discussed these before, here, and pretty much came to the conclusion that women shouldn’t ask those questions, because what men think is what one Farker admitted:
1. What are you thinking about? You. Me. Bed. Soon.
2. Do you love me? Yes. Now get me a beer.
3. Do I look fat? Only when you have clothes on.
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? Is this a trick question?
5. What would you do if I died? What was your sister's name again?
But what happens in real life is that the questions just provoke anxiety in men because they are trying to think of the aswer women want to hear. If you list the questions they REALLY dread, it would be these (supplied by another Farker):
1. Do you wanna get married or not?
2. How do you feel about children?
3. You call that a penis?
4. Is it in yet?
5. What part of restraining order” do you not understand?
So, the question I’m most likely to ask a man (from my many years of marriage) is, “where would you like to go for dinner?”

Its a Great Day to Be a Guy -Cletus T. Judd meets Naruto

What do men think about when they aren’t thinking about sex?

The Man Song.  (via the Presurfer)

The Top 20 Manliest Movies of All Time.

The most masculine name EVER. A trifecta!

Put Another Log on the Fire. (Thanks, Reader!)

In a study of how people see the internet, researchers find that women look at faces, whereas men’s eyes are drawn to crotches. And they don’t even have to be human.

Intimidation displays in the human male.

HOW-TO SECTION

Far be it for me to tell you what to do! But there’s always someone else who will. Instructions for men, collected from all over the net.

How to be Manly.

Dressing Guide for Men.

Fashion for Nerds is one cool site! Here’s their Top Ten Fashion Suggestions. (via the Presurfer)

How to remove a bra with one hand. (via Bits and Pieces)

Wanna find out if you were good in bed? Give her this form to fill out.

How to Give a Great Man-To-Man Hug.

Dance moves: An Emergency guide for Men (via Arbroath)

BECAUSE I AM A MAN

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy
Communion.
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily
function)
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss an entire show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..applies to engineers mainly).
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
__________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
___________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

The Cock

(Thanks, Eva!)
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that under your arm?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

Previously on Miss Cellania: Manliness, Men, Male Anatomy, Male Sexuality, Mr. Right, and Manly Men.

Thought for today: In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress. -John Adams (Thanks, Liz!)

humor jokes video funny games masculinity men male manhood

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When the kids were young, we used to drive down to the nearest airport to let them watch planes take off. It was a two-hour drive each way, but still some awesomely cheap entertainment for children. Those days are gone forever. Not only must have a boarding pass to get to the plane-watching area, you also have to bare your soul and/or your bags, and your feet, too. The last time I took the family on a plane, only the kids had to remove their shoes because they had lights in them. Now everyone has to walk barefoot through the metal detector. You no longer are obligated to dress nicely for a plane trip, but I would suggest you get a pair of sneakers that don’t stink for your next flight.

Dean Martin and Foster Brooks (Thanks, Phil!)

Cows can’t fly! 

Airline pre-flight instructions resemble a dance more than a seminar, don’t they? 

The world’s most unfortunately-named airport codes. 

Wisdom from Hoss: My favorite phrase today is terminal illness. N., how long we gonna sit in this here plane, ma'am? Def.: Getting sick at the airport.

When you buy a helicopter, the prudent thing would be to take flying lessons before you try piloting it yourself. (via Bits and Pieces)

The Budget Traveler’s Guide to Sleeping in Airports. 

Picking up a load of fish, he says. 

Don’t park on the runway! 

Blonde goes Flying

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

FAA POETRY DEPARTMENT

(via Dragon Queen’s Lair)
The following is allegedly the American Federal Aviation Authority's notes on John

Magee's poem 'High Flight' (which he wrote on the back of an envelope after his first solo in a Spitfire).

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)

You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.(11)

Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,

Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

NOTES: 1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Plane Fun, The Friendly Skies, Fly Me! and Snakes on a Plane. 

Thought for today: The devil himself had probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts -Anthony Price

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Gender differences have always fascinated me, as it does most folks, I presume. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another post in this recurring series. Now, remember I LOVE men. I also have a HIGH respect for women. I know that there are way more differences AMONG men and AMONG women than there are BETWEEN men and women as a group. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you obviously need a laugh. So take these as they are intended, just plain fun.

So which gender has a better deal? Read for yourself, and yes, I noticed that the men's list of advantages is much longer. So I made up for it with the Thought of the Day.



THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure
our privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all yourproblems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

THE ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MAN
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. Monday Night Football.
5. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
6. You can open all your own jars.
7. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
8. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
9. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
10. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
11. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
12. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
16. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
17. You can kill your own food.
18. The garage is all yours.
19. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
20. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
21. You never have to clean the toilet.
22. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
25. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
26. The National College Cheerleading Championship
27. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to shave below your neck.
29. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. Chocolate is just another snack.
32. You can be president.
33. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
34. Flowers fix everything.
35. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
36. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
37. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
38. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
39. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
40. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
41. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
42. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
43. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
44. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
45. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
46. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
47. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
48. One mood, all the time.
49. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
50. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
51. Same work....more pay.
52. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
53. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
54. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
55. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
56. The remote is yours and yours alone.
57. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
58. ESPN's sports center.
59. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
60. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
61. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
62. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
63. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
64. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
65. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
66. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
67. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
68. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
69. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
70. Baywatch
71. There is always a game on somewhere.

Previously on Miss Cellania: The Mars and Venus series.

Thought for today: If men knew what women laughed about, they would never sleep with us.

This post originally appeared on December 17th, 2005.

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