Entries from June 1, 2007 - July 1, 2007
Little Boys
Just ask anyone who has both boys and girls, there is a world of difference between them from the day of birth. My family had three little girls in a row. Then my nephew was born , and all the parental knowledge my generation had gleaned was tossed on its ear. I recently read an essay where a mother (an engineer) calculated that her son was 15.3 times as likely to do something extremely dangerous as her daughter... at age 16 months! So lets take a look at the world of little boys.
THINGS TO LEARN AND REMEMBER
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft . house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject sandwiches.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. Raw eggs and semi digested cheese stick to walls and ceilings very well.
25. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
MORE STORIES
The stuff little boys get into! Here�s the Boys Guide to Spelunking.
The Radioactive Boy Scout.
This boy will have some explaining to do!
THE PHONE CALL (lifted from Wulfweard the White)
The call came through at about 3.30pm.
"Which emergency service do you require?"
"Police please," whispered the tiny voice on the other end of the phone. "Please tell them to come quickly."
"Can you tell me where you live?"
Again the whisper.
"246 Charles Street. The house is on fire."
"Do you need the fire men as well?"
"No they're already here."
"Are you OK?"
"Yes," came the whisper again, "well I am at the moment. Please ask the police to hurry. I'm really frightened."
"Are your parents there? Are they safe?"
"Yes."
"Are they with you?"
"No. They're searching for me with the firemen," the voice whispered again."They don't know where I am."
"Why aren't you with them? Where are you?"
"I'm hiding under the bed with the box of matches."
Andi Buchanan wrote a book about raising boys called It's a Boy: Women Writers on Raising Sons
Thought for today: I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. - Rodney Dangerfield
How about your boys? Whats the wildest story you have?
This post originally appeared on January 23, 2006.
Miss Cellania
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June 30 Links
News Flash: Congratulations to Scaramouch (webmaster at YesButNoButYes) and Cindy on the arrival of their littlest blogger, born at 1:00AM today! Boy or girl? He didn’t say, but you can see a picture here.
You probably haven't noticed (there's no reason you should) that I haven't posted "May's Best Links" or "June's Best Links". That idea was useful in its time, but now it is way too much trouble. I started doing it to make finding old links in the archives easier (mainly for myself). But now I finally have the archives in this blog almost cleaned up, sorted, and categorized. Near the top of the right sidebar, you'll see "Topics". That takes you to an alphabetical listing of post titles. I try to begin a title with the topic, but it doesn't work that way every time. Way down on the sidebar, under "Archives", you can get posts by month or category (such as "cats" or "Star Wars"). So if you need some jokes or material, check it out. It's not completely cleaned up, but I'm getting there.
Speaking of needing material, if anyone has a great idea for my Mental Floss posts (photo-intensive collections of anything interesting), I'd like to hear it! I don't mind doing the research, but inspiration is tough.
Hey There Delilah -Josh Romea
For waiting in line, no one on earth can beat the Japanese. I think.
Russian Sparta. This is too funny! Scenes of Russian life, many from viral videos you’re familiar with, set to the soundtrack of the trailer for the movie 300. (Thanks, Jan!)
Josh Blue
of last season’s Last Comic Standing uses his Cerebral Palsy as a source of material instead of a disability.
Another Neatorama trifecta: Couchmoflage, Catmoflage, and Carmoflage. Bonus: See if you can spot the British soldiers in this picture.
Attractors, a time-wasting bit of fun from The Cleverest. (Thanks, Actor212!)
ICE FISHING
(via Bits and Pieces)
There were two bubbas from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing.
They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up there. The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the the guy left.
In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."
Who is this man? I recognized him!
The Hello Kitty Psycho Test. (via Hello Kitty Hell)
Guyliner, the scourge of masculinity. Jack Sparrow gets a pass, though.
LOL80s. Most are about as funny as the 80s were, meaning not at all, but there’s an occasional gem like this one to the right. (via Grow-A-Brain)
A cost breakdown of iPhone ownership.
Advice for the class of 2007.
How to get a better deal at Starbucks.
THE OUTHOUSE
(via Old Horsetail Snake)
Ma came in the house and yelled, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse."
He says, "There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is! Now get out there and fix it!"
So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nothin' wrong with the outhouse!"
She replied, "Stick yer head in the hole."
To which Pa responded, "I ain't stickin' my head in the hole."
But she insists: "You gotta stick yer head in the hole to see what's wrong."
So now, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells to Ma, "There ain't nothin' wrong with this outhouse, I tell ya."
"Now," she yells back, "take yer head outta the hole!"
Pat proceeds to back out of the hole, but then starts yellin', "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"
Thought for today: There is nothing so horrible in nature as to see a beautiful theory murdered by an ugly gang of facts. -Benjamin Franklin
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Little Furballs
I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to convince my kids that we don’t need any more pets. Gothgrrl thinks a home with two cats would be a perfect place for mice, hamsters, and birds. I’m not telling her we have plenty of mice in the basement. Ha! Enough is enough. But I still like to look at cute little furballs, as long as I don’t have to clean up after them! You get pictures in your email every day full of sweet little animals that make you go “awww”. I’ve got more of those, and some that are not-so-sweet. I hope you’ll enjoy them.
Mocha the baby hamster loves his broccoli! (via Arbroath)
If that’s not cute overload, I don’t know what is. You can see Mocha as a three-day-old in this video.
You’ve seen the dramatic prairie dog. Now keep up with all the imitations, remixes, and merchandise with the Dramatic Prairie Dog Blog!
Although it only gets updated every few months, Lets Be Friends has cute pictures of unlikely animal buddies.
Watch a baby porcupine being fed.
The tiniest animals.
Rabbit Reattachment (via Wendell Wit)
A ferret’s first jalapeno. (via Gorilla Mask)
The best otter video ever. (via Everlasting Blort)
Don't interupt a hamster when he's eating popcorn at the piano.
Rare lemur triplets born at Palm Beach Zoo. With priceless picture. (via Fark)
DEAD BUNNY
After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.
Chris panicked!
"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.
So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.
Chris knew his neighbors kept their back door open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.
"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.
The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"
MOUSES
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse?
Sir!
How do mice celebrate when they move home?
With a mouse warming party!
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves?
Mickey Moose!
FERRET RULES
1. If you have to go to the toilet the best place is next to the litterbox. Your human will appreciate if you do not get it all messed up, now that it has used time on cleaning it. If you can not do it there, the second best place is right in front of the door.
2. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To open a door, you must dig wildly in the carpet in front of the door. You human might have placed a carpet protection, DO NOT RUIN THE CARPET PROTECTION. Dig in the carpet next to the carpet protection. When the door opens, do your best to imitate a lightning.
3. If a guest seems afraid of you, first examine him, then try to crawl up his pants, to let him get to know you better. If you get stock, it helps to dig.
4. If a guest says something about how sweet you are then bite him in the nose to demonstrate that you also have a playful side.
5. Go with the guests in the bathroom, this is the best time to examine their cloth.
6. If one of your humans is working, sewing, knitting or writing and the other human is doing nothing. Stay with the busy one, crawl into the work, this is called to be helpful.
7. If your human is reading, it is helpful to crawl over the pages of the book. Try to put your head in between the pages to see how far your human is.
8. When you supervise the cooking, you must be right behind the legs of your human. Here you will not bee seen and will therefore easily bee stepped on, only to be picked up and be comforted. If this is done right it causes a tidbit from the guilty human.
9. It is very importent that you sleep during the day, so you are fresh in the best play hour between 02:00 and 04:00 in the morning. It is best if it is in your human's bed so it can play too.
10. Most importent is to start early on the training of your human. Humans can be hard to train, but they will learn if you begin early and are consistent.
Skunk Prank (Thanks, Louise!)
Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots of Critters.
Thought for today: Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
humor jokes video funny pets hamster otter ferret bunny mouse
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Traffic Problems
People worry about shark attacks, but shouldn’t. People worry about terrorist attacks, but the odds are still extremely low. Lots of folks are afraid of flying, but it’s still one of the safest methods of travel. Of all the things we should worry about, driving ranks up there at the top. If you aren’t elderly, it’s the mostly likely way to die. Yet we jump in our vehicles and roar around like we own the roads and never think about it. We should. I told my kids they will NOT be learning to drive until they know the rules of the road and how to find their way home. And they won’t know those things well until they are tall enough to ride in the front seat (yeah, I’m concerned about airbags, too). So I try to explain traffic to them while we’re in the car, but there are so many things to learn, it’s a wonder I ever learned them! I mainly reinforce the basics. Rule #1: do not hit anything with your car. Rule #2: avoid getting hit by other cars. Please.
This security camera footage is of a traffic intersection in St. Petersburg, Russia. There seems to be twelve lanes of traffic intersecting with no stoplights. At least I don’t see any lights. Apparently the drivers don’t, either! (via Arbroath)
A whole slew of dancing traffic cops from around the world.
Spot the Speed Trap game. Find the hidden cameras. (via Everlasting Blort)
Incomprehensible intersections. Also known as malfunction junctions. (via Neatorama)
A 19-year-old man was supposedly trying to commit suicide when he drove his car into a (closed) shopping mall in Florida. The car continued down the hallway, took out a perfume kiosk, then proceeded to the lower level via the escalator route. Security cameras were there to catch all the action for your entertainment. The driver was taken to the hospital for treatment of injuries and a psychiatric evaluation.
The signs on the Lincoln Tunnel clearly state that clearance is 13 feet. The rig Gilberto Cantu was driving was 13 feet, 6 inches. Still, he drove all the way through the tunnel before he realized he’d not only lost the top of his truck, but also took out the tunnel’s ceiling tiles! You’ll love the picture.
If you’re driving in Taiwan, and you see a traffic light that is both red and green, what do you do?
| Your Driving Is is: 49% Male, 51% Female |
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Pictures of strange accidents pictures, part one and part two. Makes you wonder how they did that!
Scariest accident ever! Be sure to look at all three pictures. Don’t be afraid to click the link, there’s no blood and guts, just... fear. (via Cynical-C)
NTSB
(via Bits and Pieces)
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Tips on where the driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California
With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
What does a yellow light mean?
Thought for today: Please don't do any unnecessary driving unless it's absolutely necessary -radio announcer commenting on hazardous driving conditions.
humor jokes video funny games auto cars traffic commuting
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Older Women
They say (and you know “they” are always right) that at a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her butt. What that means is that you either gain weight, or show your wrinkles. Plumper women look younger, but they also look plumper. Then eventually comes a time when it all goes downhill. It’s not so bad if you have a man by your side whose eyesight is going downhill at the same rate, but there are way too many of us facing the calendar alone. The problem is that by the time a woman is wise enough to know how to be happy AND make a man happy, the men are all married, dead, or out chasing twentysomethings. There’s a reason it was your mother who told you life ain’t fair.
The Math of Love. (via Gorilla Mask)
The Blue Thong Society shows us what turning 50 SHOULD be like! Its sorta like the Red Hat Society for Baby Booomers.
Rant: Middle Aged Women complaining about sex!
Here's the 20-40-60 Rule: (via Old Horsetail Snake)
When you're 20, you are obsessed with what everyone is thinking about you; when you're 40, you stop caring about what people think about you; when you're 60, you realize that no one was ever thinking about you.
The Top Ten GILFs in Entertainment.
On a related note, here’s a Field Guide to Hollywood’s Hottest Cougars.
Sometimes, you just gotta face facts and act accordingly. Or dress accordingly, like this woman doesn’t.
TAKING STOCK
(Thanks, Eva!)
After my 25th wedding anniversary, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, watching a black and white 10 inch TV and sleeping on a sofa bed.
Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis...... ...
10 SIGNS OF "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
(via Holtie’s House)
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
ONE-LINERS
Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.
Thought for today: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
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Vacation Trip
My vacation trip to the beach was an adventure. We started out by putting some air in a tire that I had recently checked, but looked low. 300 miles later, it blew. Some good Samaritans (good-looking, too) on Harleys changed the tire for us (which I could have done, but it would have taken me an hour). New tire purchase at the next exit, so we were only a couple hours behind schedule. I should count my blessings that I didn’t have to drive the entire 650 miles. The last 30 miles I got to ride... in a tow truck! Yes, we were making our way through the wildlife refuge west on Manteo when the fuel pump died. “Wildlife refuge” meant no houses, no businesses, very little shoulder area, and a swamp full of the nastiest bugs you’ve ever seen. Thank you, God, for cellphones. One of my traveling companions had roadside assistance insurance, so we got hold of a nationwide call center who located a tow truck and tried to decipher where we were. The nearest cross street? I don’t know, I hadn’t seen a cross street for many miles. But our luck held out. The tow truck driver worked out of Manteo, but his company also had a second location only a half mile from our hotel in Kill Devil Hills! He was also nice enough to ferry us with our luggage to the hotel.
Another stroke of luck was that I had insisted on a ground floor oceanfront room with a kitchen. Good thing, because we couldn’t drive anywhere. The garage got my car ready in a day. I called Mom, who said the pump would have gone out even if you were home. Yeah, but at home, I wouldn’t have to pay $300 for two hours labor. Total bill: $633. Ouch. Now my turn signals and cruise control don't work, and someone sidewiped my fender. But we had ice cream every day, and I got a not-too-severe sunburn, and a guy asked me out! He was 74, but could have passed for ten years younger. Ha! I’m glad to be home now.
Tips for taking digital pictures at the beach. (via the Presurfer)
The 15 Geekiest Vacations. Looking for the perfect vacation getaway that incorporates your thirst for technology or your obsession with science fiction? eWeek.com has 15 possibilities, with information on each. Can be viewed as a slideshow. I must admit, I’ve done three of these. (via BBspot)
Swim at Your Own Risk is a blog detailing shark attacks, attacks by other marine animals, and generally all the awful things that might happen to you at the beach. Although the odds of attack for each beachgoer are very low (you’d more likely be killed by lightning), this site could be useful for persuading your family to go camping in the mountains. (via Grow-A-Brain)
In fact, sandcastles are more dangerous than sharks! (via Bits and Pieces)
Packing Tips from a Porn Star. Almost NSFW. (via Unibrow)
Barry Stiefel visited all 50 states in one week’s vacation in 1998. I get tired just thinking about it. He later tried to see how many states he could visit in one day, and got 21. (via the Presurfer)
Melting ice cream at the beach.
Beach Blondes
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and he swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and he walks across the bridge.
Gas Prices
My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.
I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.
All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.
I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”
For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.
Beach Pickup
Thought for today: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
humor jokes video funny games vacation beach Outer Banks travel trip
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Mathematicians
A while back I wrote about Accountants, who are baffling to other people because they not only understand math, they use it every day to make a living, because other people either don’t understand it or don’t have the time to devote to it. Mathematicians are accountants squared. And if you don’t get the joke there, you’re not a mathematician. Mathematicians see beauty in numbers, precision, logic, and other stuff that makes our eyes glaze over. I mean really, I haven’t even balanced my checkbook in a year, so you know precision is not my forte (though honestly, that’s due more to fear than incompetence). But I admire mathematicians and their logic. God knows, the world needs more logic. Too bad mathematicians don’t normally run for office.
100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 Numbers
Movie quotes that count themselves down! Alonzo Mosley of the La-La Land Library took on quite a challenge for his first video project, a parody of “top 100 movie countdowns.” This is a treat for both movie buffs and number geeks. (via Militant Platypus)
Which is bigger, two 8” pizzas, or one 12” pizza? Learn geometry to eat more pizza.
Mathematical wedding vows.
Danica Keller, who played Winnie Cooper on The Wonder Years, has a math degree and a new book aimed at middle-school math students.
Plupon, an addictive math game. You get big points by combining three numbers to total ten or twenty. Minus points if you go over. Smaller points if you go under, and you can combine small numbers to make a bigger number. Unused numbers count against your time. (via Metafilter)
Mathematicians Pictures, a gift shop for mathematicians and math geeks. (via Grow-A-Brain)
What color hat does a mathematician wear? And why does it matter so much?
The Prediction.
This will really impress you if you think it’s about psychology. But if you think of it as a math game, it makes perfect sense. (via Bits and Pieces)
STATISTICS
(via Bits and Pieces)
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
LOGIC
This one has been around forever, at least since I was a kid. The internet just makes it easier to spread around.
Three men go into a motel. The desk clerk said the room was $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room. A while later, the desk clerk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the three guys' room with $5. On the way, the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between three men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.
This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27. Add to that the $2 the bellboy kept and the total is $29. Where is the other dollar?
If you find yourself stumped, Snopes has the explanation.
NOAH AND THE ANIMALS
(via It Occurred to Me)
When Noah's ark had finally come to a rest on top of mount Ararat, and when the waters had receded, Noah and his family - along with all the animals - left the ark, and God told them to be fruitful and multiply upon the earth.
But after all those months under deck on an overcrowded ark, none of the animals was in the mood for sex anymore. Noah, who knew all too well what God could do in his wrath if his creatures were disobedient, got desperate.
So, he tore down one of the ark's masts, cut it into pieces, and built a table out of the logs. Then he told one of the snakes to perform a lascivious dance on top of the table and made all the other animals gather around it. After a while the snake's seductive moves showed an effect: One animal after the other started rocking in the rhythm of the snake's dance, and one after the other sneaked off with its mate to more private places... Finally, the dancing snake and her mate were all alone, and they too disappeared. And Noah was pleased that God's will would be heeded.
Q: What does this story from the book of Genesis teach us about math?
A: When you have to multiply, all you need are a log table and an adder!
Previously at Miss Cellania: other posts on Math.
Thought for today: A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
humor jokes video funny games math mathematics numbers arithmetic mathematicians
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June 24 Links
Back from vacation, which is a story waiting to be told, and I will tell it in the next few days. For now, I’ll share just this one tidbit. Thursday was the Summer Solstice, the longest daylight of the year, and I was up early, watching the sunrise over the Atlantic. The first light became visible at 4:30AM! I’m not used to that, since I live on the western edge of the time zone, so daylight and dark are later. In fact, we never see the actual sunrise at the house because of the trees. It was awesome at the beach. BUT... Friday was the longest daylight for us, because we left the coast in the morning, where the sunrise is very early, and traveled to the western edge of the time zone, where summer daylight lasts til around 10PM. Of course, driving hundreds of miles makes the day SEEM longer, too!
Daft Hands. Stay with it, it gets better.
Washington newsmakers do ABBA in Waterloo.
Talented actor, musician, and comedian Will Smith is also good with a Rubik’s Cube!
Addictive Crossword Game.
Something is definitely wrong here. Neatorama got an NC-17 rating and YesButNoButYes got a PG. (via Simply Left Behind, which is rated G for Getouttahere!)
No one said identity thieves were brainiacs. One stole Herman Munster’s identity. (Thanks, Bill!)
The day you became a better writer.
If you start to think you have it bad, take a look at Dismal World’s Unforgettable Photos. Then count your blessings. (via Dump Trumpet)
President Bush declares himself above the law. Just like Dick Cheney.
THE PAWN SHOP
(via Big Shot Bob in Texas)
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the king protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
Just in case you haven’t seen this... I came home and found it all over the internet. Like a virus.
See the original context here.
Would you believe celery-flavored Jello? Curry toothpaste? And what does flower-flavor taste like anyway? Mental Floss finds some disgusting flavors, and the comments add many more.
Who is this man? See if you can guess.
Elwood is a Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix from New Jersey. He was crowned the World’s Ugliest Dog Friday at the Marin-Sonoma County Fair in California. Arbroath published a photo I was hesitant to include here for esthetic reasons.
World’s smallest Pac Man game. Shown actual size. You have to be really fast on the keys to win this one!
Yellowtail. Scribble a shape and watch it come to life! (via Say No To Crack)
THE CARETAKER’S NEWS
(via Phil’s Phun)
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to tell you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?
"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle!!??"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL!!??"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
LONG SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in big trouble!"
Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros -Flight of the Conchords
Thought for today: Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bounced check.
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Traffic
Driving the mamamobile is such a way of life that it took a New York City mass transit strike to remind me that there are some places in America where not everyone drives a car. I spend all too much time in the car, ferrying the kids around, getting to work, and driving for hours just to get a good Indian meal. I can still walk downtown, but there's not much to walk to there anymore, thanks to urban sprawl (even in small towns). I once lived within walking distance of my workplace. I didn't move, the job did. Still, I can consider myself lucky to drive only three miles to work. Some folks spend as much time in their cars as they do on the job! And, of course, some folks drive for a living.
You are driving the taxi here, but you don't have to drive it well!
All commuters, at one time or another, have though they could design a better freeway. Put yourself to the test with Me and The Roads, the Java road-building game.
Just how much CAN you cheat when using a toll road? (Thanks, Thor!)
Commuting for beginners.
If you ever have to go to traffic school for road violations, don�t put down any of these answers on your test.
Traffic violations aren't easy for the police, either. I am amazed at this trooper's patience!
This is a good place to repost the phone conversation of a guy witnessing an accident and the road rage that follows. Old, but still funny!
Accidental Accident Reports
These are statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my univer
sal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.