There appears to be a pattern developing here. After Bad Parenting on Monday, and Bad Sex on Tuesday, how could I not follow that with Bad Science? Not all of todays links are bad, and not all of the science is bad, but there’s enough bad science to justify the title. The bad stuff is funny. What’s left is still interesting. I think. Correct me if I’m wrong. No, don’t bother. I’m just about tired of being corrected on every other site I write for. The regulars here expect me to screw up on a regular basis. And I appreciate your patience, honestly! Anyway, enjoy this cockeyed look at science.

 
Susannah Clary asks participants in the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair about the craziest experiment they’ve ever done.  (via Intelisef)

Learn the answers to these basic science questions, so you will not appear as dumb as these smart people.

Darwinian Pickup Lines.

Thagomizer: Dinosaur part named for a Far Side comic.

Dinosaurs and Their Biscuits. This is a site devoted to 'dinosaurs and their biscuits'. Every good vertebrate palaeontologist today knows that dinosaurs had a taste for biscuits. In fact, 100% of the dinosaur diet was biscuits. As a challenge to palaeontological dogma this may at first sound amazing, but the evidence is undeniable as shall soon be revealed.

The Goof Gallery is a section of Strange Science that chronicles mistakes made by early naturalists when trying to describe or illustrate species without the aid of photographs or first-hand evidence. (via the Presurfer)

Bad Science often taught in schools.

The Large Hardon Collider.

The Union of Concerned Scientists has published The A to Z Guide to Political Interference in Science. You can view the list alphabetcally, by issue area, by timeline, or by agency. You can also locate each listed issue by finding it on their interactive periodic table. Although there’s a lot of material, the issues only go back as far as 2002. (via Cynical-C)

And now a couple of good science links. The Earth Guide from the Japan Science and Technology Agency is a beautiful infographic that answers science and geography questions such as “Where does the sky become space?” and How is the Earth different from other planets?” You’ll learn a lot more on the way to the answers! (via Dump Trumpet)

Maps of Science. Richard Klavans and Kevin Boyack mapped different scientific disciplines to show their relationships with each other, and where the research is being done. You can find what disciplines are studied by geographical location, industries, institutions, or topics. They analyzed 1.6 million scientific articles to contruct the maps! For example: the map on the left represents all the disciplines; the map on the right shows that in Boston, research is primarily in the medical field (red). More information here. (via Metafilter)

 

 

 

 

THE GEOLOGIST

(Thanks, Phil!)
A geologist walks up to a river and says, "I feel very strongly that your bottom is composed of dirt, silt, small rocks, bits of dead animals, and other particulate inorganic matter."

The river replied, “Those are my sediments exactly.”

THE GRANT PROPOSAL

A wildlife biology grad student was writing a proposal to get some funding for a mongoose research project. He sat at his computer and typed:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongooses...."

Wait, he thought, that doesn't sound right. So, he backspaced and began again:

"I will attach radio collars to a pair of mongeese...."

Still again, he thought, that just doesn't sound right. He backspaced again, and after thinking for several minutes, he began to type:

"I will attach a radio collar to an adult mongoose. Immediately after the first is attached, I will attach a second collar to another mongoose..."

LIGHT BULBS

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines...

How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

How many fractal mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but, good grief! I let him into the house to start working on the bulb, and by the time I got back later that day, the single 110V bulb had changed into a 6 level chandelier, with each level a smaller replica of the previous level...my energy bills are going to kill me!

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends on the room size--you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the 'old' bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly 'congealed' bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY required one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if the light bulb really wants to change.

How many grad students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes ten years.

Thought for today: I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law.  -Bugs Bunny

humor jokes video funny games science scientists research laboratory experiment

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All I do is blink my eyes and there is a huge file of funny links about sex piling up on me. Not that I set out to find such things, oh no, but gravitate towards me. I threw out half of what I’ve collected on the subject, so today you are only getting the better half, so to speak. That doesn’t ensure quality, but its the best I can do while I’m running late on everything else. Considering the subject, you can’t complaim too much. You know what they say, sex is like pizza. When its good, its fantastic; when its bad, its still pretty good.

 
The danger of Cybersex

The worst sex you’ve ever had. Stories submitted to b3ta, so you are warned that it is quite disgusting and may be disturbing.

A couple months ago, I linked the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Here in the Literary Review, we have some actual bad sex passages! (via Dump Trumpet)

More sex is safer sex?

Restore your virginity online with reVirginizer!

How to organize your sex toys. 

Joujou Rated R Lollipop. (via Arbroath)

When women get together and talk about sex... (explicit)

Beach blowjob. (Thanks, Carl!)

MUGGING

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

The Orgasmic Calculator. (via Mohawk Campfire)

Whale Fantasy.

Book Review: the Sex Manual for Puritans.

The Erotic Coloring Book.

A crash course on how to eat a banana.

Five shocking stats about men and sex. I don’t know if “shocking” is the right word, but you might be surprised.

 

 

Chat Room Sex

(via Holtie’s House)
I come back from vacation and look at this newsgroup and I still see the same ol' stuff. So it's time to lighten up! I'll try to help.

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night!

I was on Prodigy and I went to this Chat room. It was named something suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was.
Something like, "Horney and Bald", or something like that.

OK so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "what's everyone wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing. Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a nap, I choose the nap.

Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone. Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything. But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all. Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was saying things to myself like, "oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh jesus you're the chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good I said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it. I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive asshole, I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to make a long story short I told myself "F off you Cyber Slut", and I disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

P.S. Anybody want some slightly worn bratwurst?

Thought for today:   It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

humor jokes video funny sex

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Let me start this off by admitting I’m a bad parent myself. Every day I try to figure out where the line is between protecting my children and forcing them to grow up, between goofing off and setting a bad example, between spoiling them and being good to them. I’m constantly erring on one side or the other, but I only find out when it’s too late. How can you be a perfect parent? By the time you figure out how to do it, it’s already done. Somehow most kids manage to grow up anyway. The mistakes we make along the way may be good for a few laughs, if nothing else.

 
KidStoned

Peyton Manning for the United Way. (Thanks, Jan!)

A baby is playing with a cobra, and the adults are giggling about it! It’s a family of snake charmers, and the cobra is defanged, but still... I’ve heard snakes can grow their fangs back.  (via Arbroath)

Bad Parenting Penguin video. (via Theater of the Absurd)

Child Mullets. (via Arbroath)

Strange Celebrity Baby Names. (Thanks, Barbara!)

If bad parenting is a crime, this guy is a crimefighting superhero.

Tube Attack! 

Nominations for Parents of the Year.

11 Celebs Who Shouldn’t Have Any (More) Children. (via Look at This)

Parents manage their daughter’s porn career. This is seriously bad.

DISCIPLINE

(Thanks, Evajane!)
Most of America 's population think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I took a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique. 

AT THE BROTHEL

(Thanks, Rich!)
Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.

Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time.”

Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"

Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them. Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.

"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.

Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.

"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.

"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"

Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"

Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"

To end this on a serious note, Father and Daughter is a beautiful but sad short film by Dutch animator Michael Dudok de Wit.  (via PAgent’s Progress)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Bad Parenting

Thought for today: No matter what the critics say, it's hard to believe that a television program which keeps four children quiet for an hour can be all bad. - Beryl Pfizer

humor jokes video funny parenting parents kids

Remember way back, when The Wizard of Oz was shown on TV once a year? I believe it was in the fall. The next day at school, we would all be discussing what the best parts were. And somebody would mention the part where the movie starts to be in color. I didn�t know what point that would be, because it was black and white all the way through on my TV! Which explains why I didn't see the humor in the "horse of a different color" joke until I became an adult. My children can't fathom a world where you had to wait a year to see a movie. I say it builds character!

Apocalypse Oz is just what it sounds like, a feature film mashup of Apocalypse Now and The Wizard of Oz. A young Amerasian woman escapes her dull existence in Kansas by going on a mission to find and eliminate her father. More here.


SONG PARODY
Wizard of Oz characters gone bad, written by wdh.

SCARECROW:
I would sneak into the showers
During the school's late hours
Hiliarium will reign
I'd put it on the potty
And then it would get all spotty
If I just had cellophane
They would then relieve upon it
Coming down like a comet
it won't go down the drain
The bathroom would start stinkin'
From all the stuff they're drinkin
If I just had cellophane

TIN-MAN:
When your butt is so unwilling
But you want to "send it spilling"
Your prank gets torn apart
I'd break the quiet tension
With some power gas ascension
If I only had to fart
While it'd be detrimental
It would sound so instrumental
It'd be a true piece of art
I would let out all my chili
It'd be funny- really, really
If I only had to fart

LION:
Yeah, it's fun, believe me missy,
When you get to beat up sissies
Who like to study birds
I like to show off my power
While the little pipsqueak cowers
I want to beat up the nerd
The pain I'll start applyin'
While the twerp starts dyin'
Destruction is the word
After I beat his face in
His glasses will need replacin
I want to beat up the nerd

The similarities between Star Wars and The Wizard of Oz are pretty apparent. Here’s the video mashup, The Wizard, Oz.

I’m sure you’ve heard of The Dark Side of the Rainbow. That’s where you start the movie and play the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon at the same time. At least it was doable with VHS and an LP (some of you may have to look those things up). You can see the effect in this video of the first “play through” of the album with the first 42 minutes of the movie. If you don’t want to take the time, you can see selected clips of the creepiest sync-ups at Rolling Stone Magazine.

The Wizard meets Goodfellas in this parody script.

Collection of Wizard of Oz comics.

You’ll get a kick out of this 1971 version from Turkey.

IF THE WIZARD OF OZ WERE REMADE TODAY
there would likely be some changes...
10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an uzi
9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Viagra."
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch
5. It would be named "Twister II"
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would actually have his brain removed
3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.
2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh fu**!"
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game"

LINKS FOR OZ FANS

Wizard of Oz website.
International Wizard of Oz Fan Club.
A fansite with lots of links.
Oz fans in costume.

Yep, there's no telling what you'll find on the web when you just wander around. I found a battle between two movie: The Wizard of Oz vs. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "A heated argument broke out at the D&D tournament between Glinda the Good Witch of the North and Tim the Enchanter. It eventually escalated into a high stakes wager - the loser is barred from competition for life, turned into a newt and flattened by a farm house." See how Dorothy and her friends fare against King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table.

POLITICAL OZ

The Wizard of Oil, the US involvement in the Middle East plus The Wizard of Oz. Not to be missed.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (1910)

Thought for today: Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.
You know, Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

This post first appeared on February 13th, 2006.

humor links Wizard of Oz funny L. Frank Baum

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I traded some babysitting this week. My sister-in-law went on a “working retreat” alone while her kids stayed at my house (don’t moms always have to work to justify some solitude?) and I asked her what she was going to do alone. She said she would watch chick flicks on TV without hearing snarky remarks about them. It’s not what I would do, because snarky remarks about my TV choices are not a problem for a single person. When I’m all alone, I keep all the lights and music on past the kids’ bedtime, and eat guilty pleasure food from Taco Bell. Having loved ones around is a good thing, but you can have too much of a good thing. When we have time alone, we do things we can't do with the normal crowd. If you had two days or so all by yourself, what would YOU do differently? Let me know in the comments.

On another subject, I posted a picture on Wednesday of a bird's nest I found in my tomato vines. It had one egg then. Thursday, it had two! Friday, there were three eggs. I don’t know when she’s going to stop, but I will post updates. Update: Lu wanted a picture, so I checked on it today. Yes, there are now four eggs. (click to enlarge)

 
The Little Mermaid of the Caribbean

Monty at The Daily Bitch is participating in the charity Blogathon today! She’s raising money for United Cerebral Palsy. Go over and make a pledge! Pledge enough and she’ll sing for you -really.

If your life is in the toilet, if your marriage is going south, if you are having a bad day, you know what’s causing all that, don’t you? It’s all because the gays are getting married!

Driving to Mongolia in an Ice Cream Truck. (via Fark)

Music and Life, by Alan Watts.

Can you tell a male from a female butt?

John Cleese is selling his Santa Barbara County horse ranch for $28 million. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Derren Brown turns the tables on advertising professionals.

Can you tell a fake smile from the genuine article? Take the test!

REDUCTION PROCEDURE

There was a woman who was uncomfortable with her breast size, so she went to the doctor, and asked for a breast reduction procedure.

"All right," said the doctor, "there is an outpatient procedure that I can do which will immediately reduce your breast size by 20%. Would you like to try that?"

The woman agrees, and changes into a hospital gown.

"Please lower the gown," the doctor says, and the woman complies. The doctor's eyes grow large.

"The first step is to numb the breasts," says the doctor.

He thrusts his face between her breasts saying "num num num num..."

Ripped from the headlines, or a plot from Scooby-Doo? I scored 80% on this quiz, not because I’m a Scooby-Doo fan, but because I read all the weird news stories! 

Shuffle is basically online billiards. I found it fun! (via YesButNoButYes)

20 Things That Are True But Nobody Wants to Admit.

Maxed Out. A full-length documentary on the credit culture in the US. Bookmark it for when you have the time.

A pair of Boobies.

Are you suffering from Neurotypical Syndrome? Its more common than you think!

Tarot cards illustrated in Legos.

The article on Cracked is WTF!?: The 8 Strangest Communities on the Web. I believe they must be right. About half of these are new to me. Sure, the Ice-Chewers forum is strange, but they don’t come any stranger than Furrs for Christ.

Hello Kitty Cat Humiliation System. When I posted this on Neatorama, a comment led me to this comic.

Gravity Pods. Fascinating game, once you get through the first few levels.

CINDY CRAWFORD

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford. Immediately,

Cindy falls in love with the man.

Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says, "if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.

They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,

"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!" 

Thought for today: At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.  - Emo Phillips

humor jokes video funny games

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Every summer, I have to deal with vermin. Ants come in every year, and I know exactly how to deal with them. Fruit flies, too. But this year, for the first time, I had a flea infestation. See, there are mice in the basement. The neighborhood cats come in after the mice. My kids thought it would be nice for our cats to take thehm out for walks, which brought the fleas inside. I was the last to know, since the cats sleep with the kids. Its taken three rounds of treatments, each more expensive than the last, to get rid of them. Take my advice- if you ever have fleas, start with the most expensive treatment you can get. Ask a veterinarian. We used a combination of pills for the cats, drops for the cats’ skin, and fog bombs for all nine rooms. Knock on wood, it seems to have worked this time. I hate fleas.

 
Flies

Mamacita is going low-tech to battle flies. The Nag on the Lake is very attractive to mosquitos.

The Color and Design Blog listed 18 beautiful butterflies with their color palettes to show how well nature mixes colors. Any of these combinations would make a pleasant decor for a room or a website.  (via Dump Trumpet)

Hero spiders alerted a family to a house fire!

Antbuster. Use your cannon to stop the ants from stealing the cake! (via Metafilter)

A definition from Hoss: My favorite word today is caterpallor. N., Crayola's finest. Def.: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Macrophotography. Get up close and personal with insects. (via Dump Trumpet)

Three words you don’t want to hear together: Insecticide resistant lice. (via Scribal Terror)

Chowing down on Deep-Fried Spiders. (via Grow-A-Brain)

LOLbees. (Thanks, Jessica!)

The Schmidt Sting Pain Index. You may start smarting just reading this. Boing Boing)

If you give them the right materials to work with, you can get insects to create art for you! (via Neatorama)

32 Edible Insect Foods You Can Buy Online. (via Grow-A-Brain)

The Grossest Bug Scenes in Movie History. (via Gorilla Mask)

Thailand’s Amazing Insects. (via Dump Trumpet)

SAMURAI TRYOUTS

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

THE EXTERMINATOR

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" the husband asked the man.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Bugs and Other Creepy-Crawlies

Previously at Miss Cellania: Bugs and Insects

Thought for today: We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics. ~Bill Vaughan

humor jokes video funny games insects bugs spiders infestation exterminator

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We all make jokes about how awful marriage is, and there’s a lot of reason to! Anytime you put two people together, there’s going to be clashes of one sort or another... or all kinds. But we keep doing it! Even though the rate of legal marriage is going down, people still seek a committed cohabitating partnership. Some folks do it over and over again, hoping to get it right this time. Why? Because when all is said and done, having someone to talk to, to sleep with, and to grow old with beats doing it all by yourself.

 
How Men Talk to their Wives. (via Bits and Pieces)

Were you checking her out?

A marriage made in ... World of Warcraft?

You would think that a role-reversal would give men and women some insights into each other’s struggles, but human nature sometimes trumps intelligence or empathy.

She thinks like a woman, he thinks like a man. That can cause problems.

SHORTIES

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%!!! Its called wedding cake.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

MISSING

Last month, a man placed a 911 call to his local police station and calmly reported to the police operator, "My wife, Gertrude, is missing."

The switchboard officer asked, "Sir, how long has your wife been gone?"

The husband replied, "I think about one month."

Why did you wait so long to report it?" asked the policeman.

The husband replied, "Well . . . Until yesterday, I thought it was just a dream."

ANGEL

(Thanks, Jan!)
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

WIDOW

(Thanks, Evajane!)
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, “He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' “

THE FIGHT

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

The Wedding Ring Curse

(Thanks, Jan!)
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Marriage and the Mars and Venus Series.

Thought for today:  I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

humor jokes video funny matrimony marriage relationships men women gender

Stumble this! 

We have reached the time of year where I reap the bounty of months of gardening. At first, you’re pretty tickled to have one beautiful large tomato for supper, especially as early as this year (June 21st)! Then the real harvest piles up, til I’m buried under fresh vegetables. I took these pics over the last couple of weeks. The best ones of the flower garden were too sunwashed to use, but you can click on these to see them full-size. I picked a peck of banana peppers for pickling (yield: 23 jars). Bell peppers and jalapenos will follow. I probably have two bushels of tomatoes waiting to be processed, and more ripening every day. There weren’t enough cucumbers for canning pickles, but I made two kinds of salad so far. The attic has garlic and catnip drying. The sunflowers are starting to bloom. Read about my pumpkin crop in A Dozen Pumpkins. Color me busy.

Everyone enjoys the goodness of the summer vegetable garden. (via Cynical-C)

Miss Cellania’s Cucumber Salad
Big bowl of peeled cubed cucumber
Half a large onion, chopped
One cup water
One cup vinegar
Big glop of zesty Italian dressing
Combine all, keep covered in refrigerator. Use a slotted spoon to serve. Good by itself, or use as an ingredient in tossed salad. When the bowl gets low, add more cucumber to the liquid. Will keep longer than other salads.

Are you passionate about plants? Do your friends and family think you are obsessed? Simply take the test to confirm that you
are truly a mad gardener.

Konagod’s garden.

If fruits had a class structure. (via Grow-A-Brain)

In case you need a lawnmower, I know where you can get one cheap.

What kind of flower are you?

Miss C is a Daffodil What Flower Are You?

You have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party. You don't need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard.

At Flower Garden, just click to plant a flower. Or a lot of them! (via Grow-A-Brain)

Peace Lily.

The disturbing lives of fruits and vegetables. (via Look at This)

Watching Magic Mushrooms Grow. (via Cynical-C)

FRUIT TEST

(Thanks, Phil!)
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:
A. Apple
B. Banana
C. Strawberry
D. Peach
E. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't  rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results:   

If you have chosen:
A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
B. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
C. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
D. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
E. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

Watch Your Foodometer! (via PAgent's Video Picks)

UPDATE 

Just this morning, I was inspecting how well my redneck trellises were holding up under the weight of some big tomatoes, when I spied something a little strange in the tangle of cherry tomato vines. A birdsnest! I grabbed the camera to show you, but I haven't yet told the kids, because they'd bother it. I'll let you know how the one egg progresses.  

God Finds Out About Lawn Care

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it _ sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for