It ‘s such an old cliche: I don’t know art, but I know what I like. Sure, you feel that way yourself. There’s really no reason to argue about what is art and what is not, because if enough people like it, it becomes art, whether you agree or not (and whether any talent is involved or not). But that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of it anyway. 

My Perfect Post Award for the month of January  goes to Old Guy’s
Treehouse for the story of The Little Red Shoes. He was inspired to write this when he saw the picture of an antique glass knicknack shaped like shoes. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it... it’s a work of art. You can see all the Perfect Post Awards for January at Petroville and at Suburban Turmoil. And you can sign up to give your own award next month!



Men on Art

The Museum of Bad Art. (via b3ta)

25 Secrets of the Mona Lisa.

Watch a digital artist at work.

Chopper Reed evaluates art. Audio NSFW.

Who painted this picture, and artist or an ape? I only scored 67% on this quiz! (via the Presurfer)

What would those classical sculptures look like in color? Surprise, many of them were probably in color when they were unveiled! Listverse has photos of ten classical statues as they are, and as they have been recreated in color. (via Cynical-C)

B3ta Photoshop Challenge: Extending Album Art.

The drawing of a face that survived all these years. Be sure to read all three parts of this, because it just gets better as you go.

Da Vinci’s The Last Supper has been rendered as a 16 billion pixel digital image. It may take a while to load, but you can really zoom in on this one!

Evolution of an Artist.

16 Post-It Note art projects. It’s amazing what you can do with too much free time and a closet of office supplies.

THEFT

(via Phil’s Phun)
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.

Three Black Men

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Previously at Miss Cellania: Art, Art Class, and Art Show.

Thought for today: I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process. -Vincent van Gogh

humor jokes video funny art artist painting

Princess only gets more cat-nutty as she gets older. She has such a loving heart that she spends her allowance on cat toys and cat treats. The cats are just as happy without them. They have quilted cat beds, but sleep in a box, or in bed with the kids at night. They have more combs and brushes than I do. But they are not only spoiled materially; they also get more than their share of cuddling and petting and catering. Gothgrrl is overly competitive, so she is working to pay more loving attention to  Gogo than Princess pays to Biscuit. What we’ve ended up with are the two most spoiled cats in town. Maybe the whole world!



Alaska Wants to Stay Outside (via Arbroath)

2007: The Year in Cats.

A collection of 38 pictures of cats caught in mid-pounce, just ripe for captioning. (via Cynical-C)

The folks at Metafilter took the opportunity to caption a member's cat. (via Grow-A-Brain)

You owe me a cat!

Happy little Cat Costumes. Guaranteed to make your cat sad. (via Cynical-C)

Snoring Cat.

South Korean scientists have produced cloned cats that produce RFP (Red Fluorescent Protein). The two Turkish Angoras glow in the dark when exposed to ultraviolet rays. This should make walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night a bit easier. (via Metafilter)

Story of an adorable kitten rescue. (via b3ta)

Missing Cat Found in Wrong Suitcase.

Have you ever wondered about Joel Veitch’s cat? Wonder no more!

VINDALOO

(via Phil’s Phun)
Gavin was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.

Meandering in the cold, Gavin decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo. Getting home at long last, Gavin put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Nom nom. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.

Sure enough, Gavin returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.

Gavin grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.

Returning to his abode, Gavin started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.

The cat looked at him and asked,

"You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

UGLY THE CAT

by Lori (via Fark)
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.

The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!"

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction.

If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.

Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.

Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me...

I will always try to be Ugly. 

Previously at Miss Cellania: many posts on cats.

Thought for today: Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.  ~Joseph Wood Krutch  

humor jokes video funny pussy cats kittens feline

The file I’ve been keeping on the presidential campaign was started about a year ago. It’s been brewing so long that I had to dump some of the links because they didn’t even work anymore. I had to rework some stuff I’d written because it was hopelessly outdated. And now Thompson and Kucinich have dropped out. That totally wrecks the trophy wife jokes. If I waited any longer on this, there would be no jokes left... except for the one that is the American election campaign system itself. So, just for grins, we are going to pretend for the sake of this post, that Kucinich and Thompson are still in the race. And anyone else that may drop out from the time I write this until it gets on the net. OK?



The Big Issue for Voters is Bullshit

The living embodiment of an informed democracy.

Some people explain to Bill Maher why they are voting for a particular candidate.

The big question is: Which candidate has the hottest wife? Or husband?

The Stars Wars Guide to the Candidates. The 2008 presidential candidates are each linked with his/her Star Wars equivalent. (via the Presurfer)

Hero Builders has several action figures ready for the 2008 presidential campaign. You can now have your very own Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama (speaking or non-speaking) figure. They join Rudy Guilinani and other political action figures you are familiar with. Those are the only three candidates available so far... but the other possibilities aren’t nearly as interesting.

Get your very own Hillary Clinton Nutcracker. (via Everlasting Blort)

Presidential Pong.

Rudy Guliani. In drag. With Donald Trump.

Get the Obama t-shirt!

The Legend of Barak Obama. (via J-Walk Blog)

The 12 Worst Candidate Websites.

12 (more) Candidates to Keep Your Eye On. Just in case you need to call the authorities. (Research help for this article was provided by my favorite candidate for president  and my favorite candidate for not-president.)

Candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage. -Conan O’Brien (via Bits and Pieces)

5 Nastiest U.S. Presidential Elections in History.

Game: Kung Fu Election! (via Neatorama)

Serious political link: Electicker, a news aggregator where you can find all kinds of political headlines anytime. (via Metafilter)

If you don't like this post, you can always protest. It's the American Way.

DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

THE JOURNALIST

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

THE HAIRCUT

(via Simply Left Behind)
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week. " The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Changes (via Sadly, No!)

Thought for today: If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years. -Jay Leno

humor jokes video funny games politics election primaries president politician

Grammar Nazis on the web often just voice what a lot of us think inside, but my experiences at Neatorama help me to bite my tongue. One little typo is guaranteed to bring out someone who’s only too willing to point it out to you (and everyone else). More than once, I’ve felt the need to point out that the particular author of this item uses English as a second, or third, or even fourth language. When I have wrong tense or a disagreeing plural, it’s usually because of overediting and poor proofreading, but we all need to lay off criticizing those who put out the effort to write in a non-native language. This realization made me more forgiving. I still cringe when native speakers confuse lose and loose, or there, their, and they’re, but I don’t say anything anymore... UNLESS it produces a really funny joke worth sharing!



Grammar Slammer

Go and enjoy this YouTube video. It’s just pretty pictures and music, but you really should read the story in the description, about learning English as a second language.

Improve your vocabulary with these 20 weird English words.

A mathematical formula shows why some English words change and others remain the same. (via Scribal Terror)

The world’s smallest crossword. For the answer, go to Russell Weekes' site and see the original. (via J-Walk Blog)

Nine Words that Don’t Mean What You Think. I would add “penultimate”. And “deceptively” is an adverb which should always modify a verb, not another adjective.

Words and phrases that you should hate, according to Holy Juan.

Are you gooder at grammar?

What they said, and what they MEANT to say.

Marina the philologist is Hot for Words. (via the Presurfer)

14 Signs of a Deficient Intellect. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

VOCABULARY

 
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

TWO LETTER ENGLISH WORD

(Thanks, Jeanine!)
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room, we polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP for now my time is UP, so it's time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U P

(I think this was George Carlin)

ODD ENGLISH WORDS

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (I'll bet you're going to check this out.)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?)

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say ...... a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

English is the Lingua Franca par exellence!

Previously at Miss Cellania: More posts on Language.

Thought for today: Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

humor jokes video funny games English language grammar syntax linguist

When I posted Mars and Venus: What Men Want, I felt I’d better do one on the other side, too. But I didn’t have any material whatsoever at the time! If a guy asks what women want in a man, many women would tell him, in so many words that he will quit listening before she barely gets started. I’ve struggled with this question for myself, from the desire to catch the brass ring to figuring out how little I will settle for. Somewhere in there is a happy medium, and each woman has to figure out what her priorities are. Even if you can, it’s hard to whittle it down into small words that you can communicate to a man. So far, I’ve got it down to this: a woman wants to be admired and desired. Both. We want you to like us for the person we are, and we also want some of you to like us in that way.

But once you get past the bare minimum, we want it all! A  big strong handsome manly man who’s not afraid to discuss his feelings, rich, unselfish, intelligent, loyal, kind, adventurous, with enough free time to spend some with us, but not enough to smother us. And it wouldn’t hurt if he’s a great cook.



What Women Want: The Documentary

I saw this after I wrote the intro to this post. At first I thought, hey, they are just asking high school kids who don’t yet know what they want! But then they asked the MOM, and she’s got it down.

This little girl wants a weinie. But if she can’t have one, she has a second choice!

Four types of men that women can’t say no to. (via Look at This)

The way to get what we want.

Another way to get what we want. -->

At Clueless in Carolina, both mother and daughter know how to get what they want from a man.

10 Things I Love About All You Holders of the XY Chromosome (i.e. MEN).

Porn for Girls by Girls. Funny, but obviously designed by a guy who has no clue about what women want in their porn. Safe for work. (via b3ta)

Top Ten Women’s Sexual Fantasies. They aren’t too clear about how they compiled this list or how many women participated, but you may have to have a fan on while reading.

LATE NIGHT

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replied Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," said Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."

"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replied Tammy.

Ah, the travails of being magnifique... or having one, as it were. This is in French, with subtitles, but you really don’t need them. And then I find out it’s an advertisement, somehow, but not in the sense of a regular TV spot. Still, it’s magnifique! (Thanks, PAgent!)

 

 

I WILL SURVIVE

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,

Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

Thought for today: Women are meant to be loved, not understood. -Oscar Wilde

humor jokes video funny relationship desire men women

It happened again tonight. They shorted me at McDonalds.

You know, it wouldn't bother me so much if it were just me. Or if it only happened once in a blue moon. But it happens about 25% of my visits. And there is always one hungry or dissapointed kid. Yes, I usually sit at the window and check every item, but I don't do it EVERY time, which I should. As soon as you pull out into traffic, you hear "Mom, there's no hamburger for Sissy!" from the backseat. Thats when I turn around and see two dozen people waiting in the drive-through line, and at least as many waiting inside. And it doesn't matter which McDonalds location it is. All three in this town have shorted me, plus others up and down the highway.

Tonight, my younger daughter wanted ONLY french fries. So they shorted us the fries. I wasn't out in traffic yet, so I pulled into a parking space and grabbed my receipt. I want inside, waited in a slow line while they cooked food for the folks in front of me, and then explained my problem. While I was talking, they bagged up several portions of fries and handed them out the window. Then she scraped up what was left from the bottom of the fry bin and handed it to me. It was about half full. "This is all I have," she said "I can make some more, but it will take a few minutes." No thanks, its late, the other food is getting cold, and I know when I've been screwed. Its not like this hasn't happened before. I wonder why they never manage to give me too much food every once in a while. No, its always a shortage. Why do my kids love this eatery so much?

 

The classic McDonalds job application joke.

The Freaky Universe of McDonalds Commercials.

The Great McDonalds Sign Prank.

Bringing democracy to Iraq.

McSpotlight is the anti-McDonalds site. Links take you to many other places.

THE OLD FOLKS
An elderly couple walked hand in hand slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 70 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then people noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating, his wife helped to wipe his face neatly with a napkin.

The onlooking young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered...

"The teeth."

The McDonalds Videogame

 

MCDONALDS PRODUCT SUGGESTIONS

from David Letterman
10. Happy Meal with Prozac

9. Anatomically Correct McNuggets

8. Arch Support Deluxe

7. McMetamucil Shake

6. Big Mac served in one of Pamela Anderson's old bras

5. Egg McMuffin with hair plugs

4. Large fries previously owned by Jackie O -- only $145,000

3. Supersize 32-ounce Martinis

2. Victoria's Secret Sauce

1. Quarter Pounder with crack

Thought for today: We provide food that customers love, day after day after day. People just want more of it. -McDonalds Founder Ray Kroc

This post originally appeared on March 7, 2006. My kids have better taste now.

humor links video funny games McDonalds Mickey Ds Golden Arches Ronald McDonald fast food

Maybe you know about my car spending 35 days in the shop in November and December getting its transmission rebuilt. This week it failed me. I limped over to my mother-in-law’s house to borrow a car. She’s got three vehicles, but doesn’t drive much, so my first two choices had dead batteries. So I’m driving a Cadillac, which is like steering a boat down the street, but at least it goes when I push the gas pedal. Today I get to go over and jump start her other cars with my malfunctioning van. Monday, as much as I dread it, its back to the shop. On the one hand, I don’t really want to leave my car with the people who who put in a transmission that went out in one month, but shouldn’t they fix it free? I’m not counting on it. I just hope they don’t keep it for another month. Since they are the only tranny shop in town, I don’t have much choice.



Fartman (via Neatorama)

This past Tuesday, YesButNoButYes celebrated three years of bringing you strippers, streakers, comic books, and snarky political commentary. I was proud to be added to the roster of authors about a year and a half ago, and had fun making a little tribute for the occasion.

Busted! It’s hard to pretend you’re not lip-synching when you fall off the stage.

RoboPult: How To Make a vision-guided fireball-throwing catapult out of an ordinary industrial robot.  (via Unique Daily)

And God named the zodiac.

Shirts and Skins. More than just a friendly game of basketball.

Macheads. Get ready for a movie about the Cult of Mac.

A compilation video of people failing badly in whatever they are doing. Might be painful to watch, or it might give you the giggles. Or both. (warning: annoying music)

The Ten Greatest Dicks in American History.

BEHAVING ODDLY

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was mentally disturbed, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

I want to be a machine. (via Everlasting Blort)

The super-secret Area 51 has a new name: Homey Airport. I am not making this up.

Wired celebrates the Macintosh’s 24th anniversary with a gallery of Apple's worst products. Can’t you just feel the love?

Pointless addictive game of the week: White Dwarf. I don’t know why it’s named that. Collect the green balls, touch a blue ball to stash them and colleect points, and avoid the red balls. They will kill you. (via b3ta)

Japanese emoticons are made to be seen upright instead of sideways, and they require more keystrokes. The results are delightful, but I’m afraid I’ll never learn how to do them in a hurry. What Japan Thinks has a list of the Top Thirty Japanese Emoticons, with explanations.  (via Metafilter)

THE ACT

(via Phil’s Phun)
An Aussie salesman drove into a small town in the far south of New Zealand, where a small circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss the Amazing Maori." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under the Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was a middle aged Maori.
Suddenly, the Maori dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the Maori was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus, and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss the Amazing Maori."

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The old Maori stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Maori, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago, and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Maori, "my eye sight isn't what it used to be."

We’re Gonna Make You A Star! (via Phil’s Phun)

Thought for today: Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -Mark Twain

humor jokes video funny games

Since I lost my medical insurance a couple of years ago, I haven’t seen my own doctor. Now that I think about it, I didn’t even see him before that, although I saw his assistants and nurses when I visited the office. I take my mother-in-law to the same doctor’s office, and never see the doctor. Is it possible that he doesn’t even work there anymore? My mother-in-law was in a car accident a couple of months ago and spent ten days at one hospital and four days at another, but doesn’t recall ever seeing a doctor. The followup records don’t list one, but just told us to ask for such-and-such “team”, which meant she would have seen a medical student who had no knowledge of her case at all. So we didn’t bother. They didn’t notice. Maybe doctors are just a figment of our imaginations. Or just a rumor!



Psychopharmacologist (via OmniBrain)

Sung by Stephen M. Stahl, MD, PhD, of the Neurosciences Education Institute, with apologies to Gilbert and Sulivan.

The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History.

An Illustrated History of Trepanation. The illustrations aren’t as bad as you might think, but it’s still not for the squeamish.

The Astonishing History of Vibrators.

Dr. Swift’s Cure for Hysteria.

6 Mind Bending Ailments.

The 6 Most Unsettling Medication Side Effects.

NameThatDisease.com - Test your disease knowledge

Bizarre but true stories from the emergency room. (via Bits and Pieces)

In the game Crazy Cat Scan, you have to keep your eyed peeled during the scan to see what crazy things the patient has swallowed. Also, be aware that the patient probably swallowed two or more things!  (via Ursi’s Blog)

Strange anatomical charts from 14th century Persia.

HOSPITAL FUN

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.

And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. "In that case, we’d better run it through again..."

 

 

PRAYER MEETING

(via Bits and Pieces)
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.” You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM!"

The X-Ray

Previously at Miss Cellania: Medicine,Bad Medicine, Doctor, Health Insurance, Gynecology, and Psychiatry,

Thought for today: My wife came home from the doctor’s office and said that he told her she couldn’t make love. I’ve always known this, but how he find out? (Thanks, Rich!)

humor jokes video funny games medicine doctor nurse hospital medical