They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. The lion part is right, at least! My daffodils are sprouting through the snow. The snow hangs on through the rain, because it’s a darn cold rain. Leap Day only makes the winter seem longer (and it is, by one day). March slams our year into fast forward. Daylight Savings Time begins on March 9th, earlier than ever. Palm Sunday is the 16th, and Easter is the 23rd, earlier than I can ever remember. The vernal equinox is the day before Good Friday. There is some talk in the Catholic church of moving St. Patrick's Day to another day before Holy Week begins, which would fall right in line with this weird month. The daffodils don't keep calendars or holidays. Still, they know what to expect, and they'll survive anything. There's some inspiration for ya!



Cut the Cheese

6 Restless Corpses. This article has nothing to do with the supernatural; it’s about real bodies that just can’t seem to rest in peace, or at least had to wait for their chance.

The People’s Mario stars Mario as a Soviet-style worker/hero who fights the evil mushrooms. The look is reminiscent of classic propaganda posters.

Garfield comics make just as much sense if you throw random panels together, and sometimes are actually pretty funny. The strip is also funnier if Garfield doesn’t say or think anything. When you completely remove Garfield from the strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life. (via Fark)

The Moment of Truth Finally Delivers on Its Promise to Ruin Marriages. (via Gorilla Mask)

We’ve been reading about China’s construction plans for years, and wondered whether all those huge buildings will be ready in time for the 2008 Olympics. Now those buildings are opening for business, one by one.

Retro Sabotage is a collection of classic arcade games with a twist. I would tell you what the twist is, but it’s different for each game. (via Metafilter)

Even the most carnivorous guy will eat a salad if it’s served in a cup made of bacon! The method for making them is pretty cool, too.

Cheating

(Thanks, Rich!)
A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man. “Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog.”

How to Behave on an Internet Forum. This should be required viewing before anyone can log on to the net.

Alternately, have you ever wanted to slip into the role of an internet troll, or hacker, or even start your own flame war? Try it without causing any real damage with ForumWarz.

The best fortune cookie ever. A little background.

The water tower that turned into a house. It’s available to rent if you’re ever in Suffolk.

If you can rig your Wiimote to do open your draperies, what else can you make it do? I’d rig one to take out the trash!

Urban Legend ER. Everything you’ve been warned about happens at once.

The weirdest news of the week.

A BORN SALESMAN

(via Phil’s Phun)
This salesman has been bugging a haberdasher for a long time for a job, and finally the haberdasher looks at him in disgust and says, "Look, I'll make a deal with you.

I've got one suit that I just haven't been able to sell -- that purple, yellow, and green thing in the corner. If you can sell it while I'm out to lunch; you can have a sales job here for life!"

And with a smug smile he goes to lunch. He comes back and the salesman runs up to him, exclaiming:

"I sold the suit! I sold the suit!"

The owner looks at him in dismay -- the salesman's clothes are ripped and torn all to hell, his face is scratched and bruised and bleeding.

The owner says, "What happened; did the customer put up a fight!?"

The salesman quickly replies,

"Oh, no; not at all -- but his seeing eye dog was annoyed"

Pulling Down a Palm Tree (via Arbroath)

Maybe they just didn’t have enough cable. Or an axe. Or sense.

Thought for today: Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

humor jokes video funny games

If I don’t post something about Leap Day today, I won’t have a chance to do it again for four years! February 29th is some sort of magical day that appears and then disappears for a long time. If a year has one, then you can bet that someone is getting ready to host the summer Olympics, and someone else is running for president of the United States. On February 29th, Leap Year babies (also known as “leaplings”) are partying hard enough to last them through three more years of no birthday. Imagine, getting your driver’s licence after your fourth birthday, and retiring shortly after your Sweet Sixteenth! There’s a lot of interest in the tradition of women proposing to men on Leap Day; thanks to search engines, my post on Sadie Hawkins Day has been the most popular page here for a week!



Leap Year

Since today is an “extra” day, how about I use it for a little housecleaning. Meaning, telling you about my award and my tagging.

I was surprised and honored to receive an Excellent Award from BAC at Yikes! in this post. The burden of receiving this award is that I have to name ten more excellent blogs to send it on to. That’s a hard one, because I’d like to name about a hundred. But that’s now allowed, and some that I would have named have already won one, so here are ten excellent blogs that are due the award.
Simply Left Behind
Driftglass
PAgent’s Progress
Omegamom
Clueless in Carolina
Old Horsetail Snake
Cynical-C
Scribal Terror
The Human Marvels
Under The Bridge

I was tagged yesterday with the old “page 123” meme from Actor212 at Simply Left Behind. The rules:
• look up page 123 in the nearest book
• look for the fifth sentence
• then post the three sentences that follow that fifth sentence on page 123.
I have a half-dozen books with page 123 marked up since I’ve done this in a few comment threads before, but this is the first time I’ve been called out to blog about it. The book is The Good Women of China by Xinran.

My grandfather was already over seventy when he was imprisoned. He survived his ordeal with an astoundingly strong will. The Red Guards spat or blew their nosees into the coarse food and weak tea they brought to their prisoners.

Is that depressing enough for you? As with all memes of this sort, consider yourself tagged if you’d like to participate. Now back to Leap Day.

 

The Straight Dope explains leap years.

Some folks celebrate Sadie Hawkins Day on February 29th, although most sources put it in the fall. It is traditional that Leap Day is the one day that women are “allowed” to propose marriage to a man. If he says no, he has to buy you a gift.

The Big Day

Ten Tips for Women Who Want to Propose.

Famous Leap Day babies.

Norway's Henriksen siblings are recognized by the "Guinness Book of World Records." The three siblings were born on three consecutive leap days. Heidi Henriksen, 1960; Olav Henriksen, 1964; and Leif-Martin Henriksen, 1968. The Keogh family has three consecutive generations born on Feb. 29. Peter Anthony was born in Ireland in 1940; his son Peter Eric was born in the United Kingdom in 1964; and his granddaughter Bethany Wealth was born in the United Kingdom in 1996.

The case of the missing birthday.

There are some special deals for leaplings from various businesses.

Where the Leap Day parties are.

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A: A leap year!

Leap Year Joke from Way Back

A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked:

"George, as it is leap year..."

The caller turned pale.

"As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regularly now four nights a week for a long, long time, George, I propose--"

"I'm not in a position to marry on my salary Grace" George interrupted hurriedly.

"I know that, George," the girl pursued, "and so, as it is leap year, I thought I'd propose that you lay off and give some of the more eligible fellows a chance."

Ways to Celebrate Leap Day

6. Practise leaping to conclusions.

5. Ask a bunch of men to marry you. Remember, they are supposed to buy you a gift if they refuse!

4. Buy some Mexican jumping beans.

3. See if you are still able to jump rope.

2. Drive out to Lovers Leap.

1. Watch old episodes of Quantum Leap.

Scott Bakula

Thought for today: Thirty days has September, April, June, and no wonder! All the rest eat peanut butter, except Grandma -she rides a bicycle.

humor jokes video funny Leap Year Leap Day leaplings calendar

If you could travel in time, would you? Would you go back, to be with someone who is no longer here? Or maybe go back to relive your childhood, either because it was pleasant, or because you wanted to change something? Perhaps you would like to travel into the future, so as to see what's going to happen, in order to prepare for it. Of course, we'd all like to go just far enough ahead to see the winning lottery numbers before we select ours! But haven't you heard about the danger in messing with the fabric of the space-time continuum? If you've never had a discussion about that, then you haven't hung around such geeky people as I have.

 
The Essay (via Dark Roasted Blend)

You'll enjoy at least some of these Photoshopped anachronisms.

Time travel spam.

The Time Travel Fund wants you to invest in "the future". Or a bridge in Brooklyn.

This game is called Slow Motion, but the only thing slow about it is the load time. Its was fun, and easy to figure out.

A review of a new clock turned into a mini-seminar on the nature of time.

The Time-Travel resume. I guess someone had to do it.

Californian Temporal Discontinuities
It is widely held that time passes at the same rate everywhere, except as predicted by relativity theory. Anyone who has sat in a dentist's waiting room will realise that this is false. Dentist's waiting rooms are specially equipped with a device which slows down time in order to enable the patient to savour the anticipation fully.

It is my belief that the device used in the aforementioned waiting rooms was developed as an artificial version of the natural effects seen in California. Yes, in California time passes at different rates depending on the location. The granularity of this effect varies. A particular 'temporal bubble' may range in size from a few square inches to several tens of square miles. Within each bubble time passes at a different rate from the surrounding area. The bubbles do not remain stable and predictable, however--they come and go. Some seem to last longer than others.

I have many examples to support this theory, and I present a few of them now:

1) In my garden I saw a Narcissus come into flower in November. I contend that it was not 8 months late, nor 4 months early. For the bulb it *was* springtime.

2) Continents most certainly do drift. But the earthquakes that are so common in California are due to variations in relative drift rate caused by temporal discontinuities. The 'fault zones' actually mark the boundaries of the bubbles.

3) Very often at traffic lights the person at the front of the queue remains motionless, despite that fact that the lights went green ages ago. This is not because California drivers are a bunch of comatose cretins (as is commonly believed), but because the driver in question is caught in a small area, short duration CTD . For him, the light has not changed.

4) How else can one explain why computer manufacturers (so many of them based in California) publish speed ratings for their products which never seem to be achieved in the field? The manufacturer is not lying, the measurements were made in a CTD.

5) There is some evidence that some CTD's may be so intense that time goes backwards in an affected area. This can result in events happening multiple times. For example, the same conversation with Sears three times:

"Would you like an extended warranty on your vacuum cleaner?"
"No thanks, and don't call me about it again."
"OK."

This explains (in California at least) that terrible feeling of 'deja vu'...

5) There is some evidence that some CTD's may be so intense that time travels backwards in an affected area. This can result in events happening multiple times. For example, the same conversation with Sears three times:

"Would you like an extended warranty on your vacuum cleaner?"
"No thanks, and don't call me about it again." "OK."

This explains (in California at least) that terrible feeling of 'deja vu'...

It is important to realise that, while many Californian peculiarities can be ascribed directly to this phenomenon, the phenomenon itself has an unsettling effect on the human psyche. Thus those who have been exposed to the effects for a protracted period of time may appear to the rest of us to be 'a little strange'. This is to be expected, and the victims deserve our sympathy. I, for one, do not plan to place myself at risk, so I will be returning to the UK in August--unless I am offered a massive grant to research this fascinating subject in greater depth.
*****

Titanic: The Sequel

Thought for today: When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. -Jack

Proving that time travel is a possibility, this article first appeared on April 19, 2006.

humor jokes video funny games time time travel time warp time machine anachronism chronology

Princess wanted help with her science. She said she had to make a sentence out of each term, without repeating the definition. OK. “Transpiration, the process by which plants give off water through their stoma.”  Hmm. The Department of Transpiration announced new water saving incentives today. “Respiration, the process of releasing energy from food.” Hmm. My stupid mother thought respiration meant breathing. “Water cycle, the process by which water moves through the environment.”  Hmm. I always wear my helmet when I ride my water cycle.

She doesn’t ask me for help much anymore.



Stephen Hawking is soooooo bad . . . .

A duet of singing Tesla coils.

The 10 Most Bizarre Scientific Papers.

41 Hilarious Science Fair Experiments. And they are real, unlike the one to the right.

Research LOLcats.

String Theory explained in two minutes. They explained it, but I still don’t understand it.

What’s the difference between Physics and Chemistry?

The 6 Most Important Experiments in the World.

Two Forks, One Cup. It took me a an hour of reading comments to figure this out.

Neutrino Poetry.

It’s a crash course in science at your fingertips! Evolving Thoughts has a list of articles on Basic Concepts in Science.

Could you pass eight grade science? Take the quiz! I did well, partially because I help my fifth-grader study these exact things for her science class. (via Geek Like Me)

Hotel Mauna Kea, a song about the observatory in Hawaii. It’s clever, and really draws my sympathy for the poor folks who must make their living stargazing in paradise.

A Short History of Women Inventors and Scientists.

The periodic table of elements on tarot cards. My past is gold, my future is oxygen, and my lovelife is carbon.

Scientists are often considered to be geeks. Bloggers are always considered to be geeks. Science bloggers, however, are the geekiest people in the world. Put them together in one room, and you’ve got this post.

14 really cool research facilities around the world. Posted in three parts, because everyone has their own favorite to suggest.

xkcd explains the difference between scientists and everyone else, below. Click to enlarge.

Murphy's Ten Laws for Experimentalists

(1) if something can go wrong, it will do so just before your grant is up for review;

(2) if the reading on your detector is correct, then you have forgot to plug it in;

(3) if several things can go wrong then they will do so all at the same time;

(4) if nothing can go wrong with your experiment, something still will;

(5) left unto itself, your experiment will go from bad to worse; on the other hand, if you pay attention to the experiment then it will take three times longer to complete than you thought it would;

(6) Nature is both subtle and malicious (Murphy stole this one from Albert Einstein);

(7) a straight line will never fit your data, and using a wiggly line will result in the rejection by referees of the publication of work;

(8) if you make a great discovery today, you will find a major error in your methods tomorrow (experienced experimentalists call this effect "here today, gone tomorrow");

(9) in contrast to a radio, banging your apparatus when you are at peak frustration will not fix it but permanently break it (for this reason, it is important for experimentalists to remain calm at all times);

(10) when your experiment is just about to succeed, you will run out of grant money.

TRASH CANS

(via Phil’s Phun)
At a recent conference of science and mathematics, a physicist, a mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician were all staying on the same floor of their hotel.

The engineer woke up in the middle of the night to find his trash can had started on fire.

He jumped out of bed, quickly filled his ice bucket with water, extinguished the flames, and went back to sleep.

A little later, the physicist woke up and also discovered his trash can to be ablaze.

He paused for a moment, pulled out his slide rule, and made a few quick calculations. He filled up his ice bucket with exactly 1/2 liter of water and used it to extinguish the fire, and then went back to sleep.

Shortly after, the mathematician was awoken and his trash can was also on fire.

He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and frantically scribbled out pages and pages of equations. When he found the solution he went to bed, comfortable just knowing that the solution existed.

And the statistician?

He was found running around lighting other people's trash cans on fire because he needed a bigger sample size.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Science Class, Science for Dummies, Scientific Experiments, Advanced Science Class, Physics, Physics 201, Chemistry, Astronomy, The Laboratory, Bad Science,  Remedial Science Class,and  Schroedinger's Cat,

Thought for today: The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..." - Isaac Asimov

humor jokes video funny games science scientists research laboratory experiment

I am not inclined to pay a lot of money for children’s shoes, as they will either tear them apart or outgrow them in six months. This past week, I bought Princess a $40 pair of moccasins. She has reached the point where our shoe sizes are the same, so when she outgrows these, I will wear them for at least a decade. The same thing with the $45 maryjanes we bought for back to school last fall. She’d better enjoy my generosity while it lasts, because when she goes up one more size, it’s back to $10 shoes for her. Meanwhile, I’ve threatened her with sanctions if she dares to scuff those high-priced adult shoes. Or walk through mud in them. Oh, she’s no bigfoot, I just have small feet. Still, I have a hard time coming to grips with a kid who’s feet are bigger than mine. They grow up so fast!



Cooties

Shameful things I have eaten as a Mom.

pla. (via Everlasting Blort)

Ryan and Andrea of Rattle-n-Roll create baby annoucements styled after rock-n-roll gig posters! They’ll make announcements to send out, and posters for your nursery or as keepsakes. Pick your template and colors, or they can custom-design yours. (via Grow-A-Brain)

A video montage of messy kids. You can laugh, because they’re not your kids!

My Little Golden Book About Zogg. (via the Presurfer)

How many sequels to The Land Before Time do we need, exactly?

8 Examples Of What Happens When Geeks Have Children. So adorable, so doomed.

18

TEA TIME

(Thanks, Rich!)
I gave my baby daughter, a little ‘tea set’ as a gift and it was one of her favorite toys.

I was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when she brought me a little cup of ‘tea,’ which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my wife came home. I made her wait in the living room to watch the little princess bring me a cup of tea, because it was, “just the cutest thing!”

My wife waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for me and my wife watches as I drink it up, then the wife says, “Did it ever occur to you that the only place our daughter can reach to get water is the toilet???”

SICK CHILD

(via Phil’s Phun)
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes," the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.

"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

CHILDBIRTH

(Thanks, Rich!)
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"

Previously at Miss Cellania: Childhood, Kids, Kid Stuff, Little Boys, Babies, Toddlers, and School Children.

Thought for today: Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

humor jokes video funny games kids children youngsters offspring parenthood

Yes, I realize that eventually I will rerun an old Star Trek post and this title will suddenly make no sense, but when has anyone ever accused me of making sense? The first incarnation of Star Trek is 42 years old, and it doesn't make any more sense now than it ever did. But we love it, no matter how cheesy, because it was an optimistic look at the future. Humankind not only dropped the old prejudices, they reached out to other communities. They had respect for the natural developments of other planets (the Prime Directive), even if they managed to break those rules every once in a while. OK, constantly, but at least they had the rule! They had cool machines that would do anything and everything. They traveled through time, transporters, and wormholes. Yep, that's still cool.

Star Trek XI Trailer

Star Trek XI was scheduled to open this Christmas, but has been pushed back to May of 2009. The marketing has already begun. Four webcams are set up at the “shipyard”, although I didn’t see anything the last time I checked them. No doubt if you watch long enough, you’ll see something that will make you want to be first in line for the movie.

Take a look at the cast of Star Trek XI, alongside the original characters.

Watch full episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series online at CBS.

Worth1000 contest: If Trekkers Ruled the World. (via Boing Boing)

A bunch of Shat: A ten video tribute to William Shatner.

Why I hate Star Trek and why it sucks. (via Look at This)

The Top Twenty Starship Captains. (via The Website at the End of the Universe)

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Spaceship Captains. Hey, it works in the movies, why not for the rest of us? (via Geek Like Me)

Google Klingon. (via Dump Trumpet)

Klingon Culture.

The adventures of Jean-Luc Picard. Don’t miss the game attached: Engage! (via the Presurfer)

The Top 10 real life Star Trek inventions. (via Geek Like Me)

Wil Wheaton recalls his early Star Trek conventions. (via The Website at the End of the Universe)

Star Trek’s 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures.

23rd Century Light Bulbs

Q:  How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a  
light bulb?
A: Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead",
Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're dead, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: TWO:  One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all of the credit.

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE:  Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.

Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.

Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY_ONE:  One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Approximately  1.00000000000000000000000000000000

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: All of them!

Signs That STAR TREK is Taking Over Your Life

*Saying "engage," "make it so," or "I'm a doctor, not a …" in casual conversation.
*Becoming indignant that the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
*Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first.
*More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer.
*Have figured out the stardate system.
*Being able to speak several nonexistent languages like Klingon, Romulan, or Bajoran.
*You find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower, and you know all the words.
*You always win a free slice when the local pizza place has Star Trek trivia questions.
*Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.
*You have rigged up your cellular phone or PDA to "chirp" when you open it.
*You have more than one STAR TREK font installed on your computer.
*You don't need any of the references on this list explained to you.

White Rabbit. A reminder of what a drug-addled show Star Trek really was.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots more Star Trek posts.

Thought for today: [CBS] finally told me, 'No, we have a science fiction we like.' And they said it was much more adult than what I was talking about. This was 'Lost In Space.'  -Gene Roddenberry

humor jokes video funny games Star Trek Enterprise Kirk Spock

For this entry in the continuing series, we'll look at the differences in taste between men and women. We seek different types of entertainment, pastimes, and edification. Its such a broad subject, men's and womens's taste in movies and television will have to be addressed separately. Today, lets talk about the printed word, whether in books, periodicals, or online.

For women, the printed word can be all things and anything. Its perfectly suited to a woman's imagination, which can paint a better picture than any photograph or illustration. Men read for information. Men who read a lot tend to lean heavily toward history, science, engineering, and other non-fiction. The glaring exception is science fiction, which is after all, sort of science. For men, emotional topics are better served up through visuals, i.e. movies. This difference between men and women goes a long way toward explaining how woman can enjoy erotica with no pictures; therefore maintaining the fantasy that she does not indulge in erotica (see Romance Novels).



THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER

"Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.

Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
----------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Wanker.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Get f****d.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Eat s**t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
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(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.
*************************************************************

(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.

How men differ from woman on internet usage.

Now that so many men and women are keeping online journals, it easy to spot the difference between men's blogs and women's blogs.

Sometimes there's a fine line between a blogroll and a little black book.

Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

 

Previously at Miss Cellania:  More in the Literature category and the Mars and Venus category.

Thought for today: Men fall in love with their eyes. Woman fall in love with their ears. So if you want her to keep up her looks, you’d better talk to her occasionally. And listen.

This post originally appeared on March 8, 2006.

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While I was preparing the post on Manly Men, I jotted down some thoughts on what made a man seem manly and attractive to me. I stopped when the list was long enough for the paragraph, but no doubt there are other things I could have included. But that’s just my opinion... I’d like yours. I want to put together a totally unscientific survey about what women find attractive in a man. So let me know! You can leave a comment here, or if you’d prefer, email me at radiofox@gmail.com. Let me know what makes a man attractive to you -in as little or as much detail as you like, and please include how old you are, and whether you want your name (or internet pseudonym) used. I can always make up fake names. I’ve made up enough for myself! When I get a decent amount of response, I’ll put it together in some meaningful fashion for you. Or at least, I’ll put it together. I’ve already posted this at YesButNoButYes, but I need a variety of opinions. Feel free to give my address to anyone else who might be interested.



David Lee Roth’s American Idol Audition (via YesButNoButYes)

Is penis size the most important factor in how happy a man can be?

A song created entirely from music and sound effects found in Windows XP and Windows 98.

The Oscars will be awarded this Sunday night, for the 80th time. Movie Poster Addict has compiled the posters for all 79 movies that have won Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

If you are going to the Ueno Zoo in Tokyo, you want to be there on drill day. Zookeepers train for escaped animal emergencies once a year, but they can’t use real animals for drills, so they dress up as zoo animals!

High Voltage Cake. (via Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories)

CoBaCoLi is sort of like billiards, except the object is to knock a ball against the wall of the same color. Easy to play, eevn if you don’t do so well the first time. (via Dump Trumpet)

S&M

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

WHEELBARROW

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."

Spectacular Failures on Wheel of Fortune.

Aardvarchaeology has a nice article about abandoned treehouses.

Dark Roasted Blend has a photo collection of playground sculptures that might give you nightmares. I’m sure they aren’t too frightening to the children who see them everyday, but at first glance you wonder, “What were they thinking?”

io9 has a guide for how TV and movie producers should treat hardcore science fiction fans. (via Fark)

Dave Steward got fired from his job after seven years because he put a Dilbert strip on the company bulletin board. Now, Scott Adams is incorporating the story in his strip! Here's the daily Dilbert strip. (via Fark)

Phun is fun! Phun, a an easy-to-use physics game, was created as a MSc project by Emil Ernerfeldt for supervisor Kenneth Bodin, HPC2N/VRlab, Umeå University, Sweden. See a video of how it works. The program is free to download.

RESCUE SQUAD

One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

Censored Count

Thought for today: The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

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