Entries from February 1, 2007 - March 1, 2007
Astronomy
My little scientist Princess has always been fascinated by stars. One of her first English words was star, although it came out “ta”. Her favorite shape. Later, planets were her thing, and she was devastated when Pluto was downgraded. She wanted to be an astronomer for a while, til she left the telescope out in the yard one day too many and it was stolen. Now she is back to geology. Oh well. We still enjoy a cloudless night trying to identify the constellations.
This post was scheduled today because of the lunar eclipse on Saturday. Write yourself a note about it. I will, because I always have trouble remembering these things before they are over. But of course, there is the Lisa Nowak story, so I’ll have to address that before we go any further.
The Jealous Astronaut
Doesn’t this look like it could be the intro for a sitcom? Sort of an updated version of I Dream of Jeannie.
Late night jokes about astronaut Lisa Nowak.
Keep up with all the cool astronomy news with the Bad Astronomy Blog
.
The Wikipedia knockoff of the day is Slackerpedia Galactica, factual pages on astronomical topics, but loaded with humor, jokes, cheesieness and the absurd.
Deep Space is an enchanting multimedia trip in photographs and music from millions of light years in deep space to our own small planet Earth. (via the Presurfer)
The case for downsizing the Solar System.
Start your day with the beauty of the cosmos at Astronomy Picture of the Day.
Looks like our friend Mike Ashley (also known as the pointmeister) has landed on Mars!
George and Loretta Whitesides will be the first couple to honeymoon in space. They have tickets to fly on Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Spaceline and it will be a childhood dream come true for both of them!
Yep, you can find the dumbest people on the internet making comments at YouTube. Thats a broad subject, but this particular comic from Xkcd belongs here. (Thanks, Bill!)
| You Are From Neptune |
 |
The European Space Agency launched the Rosetta space probe in 2004 to study the comet 67P/Churyumov-Gerasimenko. It should reach the comet by 2014. Rosetta has just passed Mars, and sent back some beautiful photographs.
THREE ASTRONAUTS
Once upon a time NASA decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.
They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?!?'
ASTRONOMERS ONLINE
In the early days of the internet, astronomers were always getting booted from newsgroups (forums) by moderators who weren’t astronomers.
More years ago than I care to think about, back in the early days of on-line activity, there was a group of us that discussed astronomy on the old, old version of Prodigy (I still see some of their names here once in a while). In those days, every posting was read by a censor prior to allowing it on-line......we had some real arguments over rejected postings because the censor that covered the "Outdoor Hobbies" area, where astronomy was covered, was _!!REALLY!! dumb! She wouldn't allow any posting regarding Uranus (she once told me that she KNEW there was no planet with that obscene name), rejected any discussing about Saturn (no commercials were allowed, and our efforts to discuss Saturn were "thinly veiled attempts to promote automobile sales"), and when we tried to refer to Saturn as the "ringed" planet, she rejected those postings also as 'inappropriate". She suggested that it would be "more appropriate" to talk about 'rings' on the jewelry making board. -Wayne Howell
Well, after all, astronomers do post messages along the lines of:
1) "Exactly how long is your tube?"
2) "I need a friend to help me grind this thing..."
3) "I want to get in a little naked-eye action."
4) "What's the closest anyone's ever gotten to Uranus?"
5) "You need a bigger unit so you can go deeper..."
6) "What's the best way to mount a Short-Tube?"
7) Reasons why smaller apertures are better...
8) Are you going to shoot the Virgin tonight?
9) She kept observing it as it rose higher and higher
10) "Mine is bigger than yours"
11) "Who says aperture doesn't count?"
12) "We do it in the dark"
13)".....and all night long"
14) EYEGASMS!
15) "I use shower caps over the end of my 10 and 6 inch..., you will need the extra large size for your 12.5 inch."
16) "Do you have your angle of the dangle correct?"
17) "Viagra kept me going all night long!"
18) "I love going deep ...."
19) "The deeper the better"
20) "Aperture always wins"
I Only Have Eyes for You (Thanks, Walter!)
Previously on Miss Cellania: Pluto
Thought for today: Astronomy's much more fun when you're not an astronomer. -Brian May
My Perfect Post Award for February goes to Big Shot Bob in Texas for not only a funny post, but the best headline ever: Supreme Court Strips Al Gore of Oscar; Declares George W. Bush Winner. This came out on Monday, right after Gore won an Oscar for the documentary An Inconvenient Truth. I wish I’d thought of that! You can find all the Perfect Post 
Awards for February listed at Petroville and at Suburban Turmoil. If you want to give out your own award for next month, you can sign up at either site.
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Miss Cellania
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February's Best Links
It's a short month, so I'll try to keep this post short. Relatively. The most popular post of the month was Valentine’s Day , followed by Valentines. The world is full of romantics and cynics. Fart and New York, New York were popular, too, but overall traffic was way down in February. My extracurricular activities have been keeping me busy! I started using my old blogspot site as a linkdump. Its now named Miss C Recommends, and you can find fresh links there every day or two. I am proud to have also started part-time posting at Mental Floss this month! You can see a post from me there every Tuesday and Thursday. And although my personal life is still quite restricted, I received a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. From a man. One I'm not related to. Its the first time that has ever happened!
VIDEOS AND CARTOONS
Monty Python-Star Trek mashup.
Baby Got Back, Gilbert and Sullivan style.
The best of the worst winter driving videos.
Pig wishes for 2007.
Video games in the real world.
The classic Robert Tilton Fart Video.
What do Do with Your Dead Hooker.
The March of the Sinister Ducks.
March of the Librarians.
Science tackles the fart problem.
How to wash your cat.
GAMES AND QUIZZES
Monty Python’s Spamalot game.
What secret superhero are you?
WEBSITES
NEWSFLASH: Mike Ashley of It Occurred to Me and Serena Joy of Parenthetically Speaking have unveiled a new blog called Verbicidal Tendencies, which takes a cockeyed look at words and the way we use and misuse them. They would love your input and submissions!
Ten Awesome Sports Destinations.
The world’s awfulest Valentines.
The Weirdest High School Team Names.
The first YesButNoButYes podcast.
I LOVE these singing horses!
Real world Calvin and Hobbes snowmen.
LED and Resistor Circuits Sex Positions.
I need a Bahamavention.
TOOLS
The Star Wars Quote Generator.
Design your own kaleidoscopic snowflake.
The Valentine’s Love Poem Generator.
Design your own romance novel cover!
Make an M&M that looks like you!
SUBJECT INDEX
A Galaxy Far Away
Aliens From Outer Space
Books
Dangerous Old People
Ducks
Eyes
Fart
February 3 Links
February 10 Links
February 17 Links
February 24 Links
From the Comments #3
Groundhogs and Other Critters
Hollywood
Horses
Mardi Gras
Mars and Venus: He Said, She Said
Mars and Venus: Procedures
New York, New York
Plumber
Snowman
Superhero Roundup
Tech Funnies
Valentines
Valentine’s Day
Winter
Year of the Pig
On another note, I'm still collecting pictures of people wearing groucho glasses for my Flickr gallery. Send them in if you got 'em! 
Thought for today: For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -Abraham Lincoln
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A Galaxy Far Away
I love Star Wars. Build a fictional world, populate it with interesting people who have fantastic adventures, then make fun of them. Life is good.
So here’s another collection of Star Wars stuff. If you haven’t been keeping up with this site for long, you might want to check out the previous Star Wars posts, too: Darth Vader, Dath Vatter, Sith Happens , Muppet Wars, Jedi Film Festival, and Take a Walk on the Dark Side (adult).
If you enjoyed the Monty Python-Star Trek mashup, you’ll love this encounter between King Arthur and Darth Vader.
TROOPS is a spoof of COPS set in the Star Wars Universe. Ten minutes.
Astromech.com, The Official Website of the R2 Builders Club. (via Grow-A-Brain)
The George Lucas Appreciation Society presents Star Wars shortened part one (episodes 1,2, and 3) Star Wars shortened, part Two (episodes 4, 5, and 6)
Plutos the Bubblemans shortened the Star Wars story to the ultimate.
Samuel L. Jackson lines edited out of Star Wars. Warning: Samuel L. Ja
ckson lines.
What if Star Wars had been created during the silent film era?
Truly awful Star Wars merchandise. (via Neatorama)
Star Wars Gangsta Rap. Audio NSFW, but clever!
Wookieepedia, the Star Wars wiki.
Worth 1000 cast other celebrities as Star Wars characters. I honestly don’t recognize most of these celebritiees, but the ones I do are funny!
The Star Wars Quote Generator. The first quote that came up on me was “Look at the size of that thing!”
“Handy” Star Wars scene.
Its the final scene from Episode Four, the attack on the Death Star. When you’ve got a really low budget, you have to use your imagination! (via Neatorama)
Two Jedi Knights are campaigning at the UN for The Force to be recognized as a world religion.
The Chopped-Off Hands of Star Wars. The only site on the internet devoted to all the hands that got chopped off in the Star Wars saga. There’s enough of them.
Injuries of Darth Vader is a webpage detailing the physical infirmities suffered by Darth Vader.
WHY DARTH VADER MAKES A BAD ROOMMATE 
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.
5. For once he could use the Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
2. It's not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. He's constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
Star Wars scenes set to We Will All Go Together When We Go, a nuclear-age ditty from Tom Lehrer. (via Skippy the Bush Kangaroo)
Thought for today: I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they 
would never expect it!
humor jokes video funny games Star Wars Jedi science fiction Darth Vader
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Plumber
My advice to young people: carpentry, electrical, and plumbing. Learn them. Those are things anyone can do, but few can do well. Those who do it well can make a ton of money and will never be out of work. There’s a dearth of competent tradespeople in my area, so getting a competent plumber to the house is a chore. The good ones are terribly busy, and the others make enough money so that they don’t really need your piddly little job, so they may show up or not. After much trial and error over the years, I’ve found a partnership of plumbers who know what they are doing, show up when they say, and who charge me less than they could. Together, that’s a rare and wonderful thing.
Peter tried to do his own plumbing once, and just about killed himself.
In the game Down the Drain, you must draw a path for the drop of water to find its way through. Fascinating when you get to the higher levels! (via Dump Trumpet)
Make this guy sing in the shower with Shower Song. He’s not bad! (via b3ta)
The Shower Test. I always wash my hair first.
He had all the right parts, he just lost the assembly instructions.
SONS
A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons. His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, "Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations."
And now a word from our sponsor, Plumber’s Butt Caulk.
In the game Plumber’s Butt the object is to give a long-tail T-shirt to each plumber. In a hurry!
MENS ROOM
(via Bits and Pieces)
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"
THE PROFESSOR
(via Joanne Jacobs)
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
“This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you only got through seventh grade. They don’t like educated people.”
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to derive the result he needed. He got “minus pi times r squared.”
He didn’t like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: “Switch the limits of the integral!!”
Thought for today: The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy: neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. -John W. Gardner
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Mars and Venus: Procedures
Gender differences have always fascinated me. I've collected a lot of funnies about the subject, so here's another chapter in a recurring series. Now, before you read the rest of this, remember I LOVE men. I also have a high respect for women. The stereotypes can by funny, though, and you probably need a laugh. You've probably noticed than men and women do things differently. Taken to extreme, it can be just plain funny.
When I first posted this in 2005, only about 6 people read this site. Now there's a different half-dozen people coming around, so I didn't think it would be any shame to repost. These procedures, whether real or stereotyped, are still funny!
BANKING
THE ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
HOW TO SHOWER
The first time I published this post, you had to scroll through this entire routine. Now thanks to YouTube, you can just watch the video. How to Shower, for both men and women.
HIS and HERS Road Trip
HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in cas
e.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air
Pulls up to a 7 -11
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer
Curses the night
Curses you
Curses the large slurpee
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all
But she is laughing inside...
And of course you're still lost.
If you enjoyed this post, there's more like it in the Mars and Venus section, and more saved from the old site.
Thought for today: According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.
This post originally appeared on November 21, 2005.
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February 24 Links
The world is full of mysteries. At a time in my life when I have no job, no husband, kids are in school, and I haven’t even started gardening, I seem to be busier than ever! One of my kids suggested it was because I’m old and get tired easier. Pfft! I’ll show her a thing or two. I’m still working on the layout of my auxilary link blog Miss C Recommends, so if your blog isn’t in my sidebar and it should be, I will get to it eventually. I want to include all the usual suspects, but it may take some time. Meanwhile, I’ve got a lot of time-wasters for you today!
A Streetlight Named Fark. This story will take a long time to fully absorb, but its the funniest thing on Fark since a member got his nuts caught in a lawn chair.
What a fun game this is! You don’t know Jack. (via YesButNoButYes)
Beer Cannon Montage. See things blown to bits in slow motion.
My social life is still pretty much non-existent, but I got to go on a date in a work of fiction at Freedom’s Place! (Thanks, Whitesnake!)
Adolf Hitler: Body Builder? (via Grow-A-Brain)
Walker had to call tech support. Rupa was very accomodating.
So do you have big hooters?
No, but we have a very big McDonalds down town.
You’ll get the feeling you’ve seen this movie before, or even lived it, but never quite like this! Young-Hae Chang Heavy Industries presents Into The Night. (via the Presurfer)
You might as well get a thrill while you’re dreaming about vacation time. See Ten Awesome Sports Destinations, for everyone from hang gliders to alligator wrestlers. With videos.
Can you imagine this? Someone bought a piece of property in Portugal. It had been unoccupied for fifteen years. While exploring, they found an old barn in the forest with a rusty padlock. After grinding the padlock open, this is what they found inside. (via Arbroath)
Look at me! I made this with the Portrait Illustration Maker. My hair is a bit longer and curlier, but this is as close as I could get. Go try it yourself!
The right attitude on money. (via Grow-A-Brain)
Cross The Pirates of Penzance with Sir Mix-A-Lot and what do you get? Baby Got Back, Gilbert and Sullivan style.
Nigerian 419 scams are the scourge of the internet. Inboxes are flooded with requests for help in moving large sums of money which can only result in emptying the recipient’s wallet. Or it could result in comedy. Scammers sometimes run into scambaiters, who try to outwit the scammer for fun (like Skunkfeathers). You’ll find lots of stories of scambaiting at 419 Eater. In this scenario, a scambaiter convinced the scammers that they could win a cash film scholarship by recreating the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch! For comparison purposes, the original is on YouTube.
Monty Python’s Spamalot game. Fling the cows at soldiers to score. (via Ursi’s Blog)
If you see a poor, scared (not to mention endangered) polar bear stranded on the side of a cliff, what do you do? Tranquilize her and drop her in the ocean, of course.
TWO SHORTIES
Peter's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young lady looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me dinner..."
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
Watch this guy solve a Rubik’s Cube with his nose.
The physics behind a tesla coil are beyond me. But wouldn’t this be a grand way to deter theives from your car? This page at Tesla Down Under has lots more pictures of tesla coils and their possible applications. (via Arbroath)
Human Skateboarding
Stop-motion video artists PES produced the Human Skateboard video last year. Now Sneaux Shoes invites you to make your own version! At Human Skateboarding, find instructions for creating your own stop-motion video, then upload your videos (or still photos) to share and show off. Or just see what other people have produced.
The Weirdest High School Team Names.
These kids and their parties. Now that they’ve all got cell phones with cameras, there’s no occasion that goes unrecorded. This one went south, and will probably show up on some police-viceo program.
The reason why Americans are fat and in debt.
The website is Kiss My Ass, George. Upload your ass and add a message. Browse other’s contributions and see what message they have for George. The first thousand asses have been turned into a poster, which has been sent to the president. I have my doubts about whether it will get to him. NSFW.
THE LONE RANGER
(from Walker via Holtie’s House)
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully: for.... the.... last.... time I said....................
"BRING POSSE".
Thought for today: Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million, but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. -Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Winter
By the end of February, we can almost say we’re used to being cold. That doesn’t make it any fun. The temperature warmed up to the low 30s earlier this week, and people walked around with no sleeves! The snow on the roof melted just enough to leak through the ceiling. But now its back to the teens, and my bones feel it. One of the advantages of unemployment is that I don’t have to drive on snow if I don’t want to. And I don’t want to. I’ll do it if I have to. But I’d much rather put the calendar on fast-forward and deal with the spring floods. Um, I’d better get that roof fixed.
In August when we're sweating and complaining, a look back at these links might make you feel better. Not cooler, but just glad to not be slipping and sliding and shivering. Maybe.
How NOT to pull a car out of the snow.
Mission in Snowdriftland is a pretty straightforward game with a cute little snowman. (via Ursi’s Blog)
In this Snowball game, rolll your snowball around til its bigger than anyone else’s. But if you roll it into something, it might break apart!
Design your own kaleidoscopic snowflake, then rotate it in either 2D or 3D!
Ice Hotel is built new every year, because it made of ice! It can be found in the village Jukkasjärvi, 200 kilometres north of the Arctic Circle in Sweden. Yes, you can stay there, but you’d better book your reservations early! (via Ursi’s Blog)
Dancing snowmen take a kinky sidetrack (via Dump Trumpet)
Slippin’ and slidin' in these winter sports videos.
You think YOU have a lot of snow... See this and this, too!
Youth Zone Fun has a gallery of artful and imaginative snowmen. (via Dump Trumpet)
Enjoy the snow!
ITS SO COLD
It's so cold that when I woke up this morning, I couldn't get my teeth to stop chattering. It was such a struggle, believe me, to put them in my mouth.
It's so cold that my pipes froze. Not just my windpipe, but also my tailpipe.
It's so cold that I actually feel like listening to Rush Limbaugh. That's how desperate I am for some hot air."
It's so cold that I found a burglar stuck to my front window. It turns out that my neighbor had spotted the burglar, pulled out a gun, and said, 'Freeze!' And he did!"
Its so cold, I’m microwaving my socks.
Its soo cold...I am going to take my ears off and put them in my pocket.
It's so cold Toledo, Ohio closed its outside Ice Skating Rink on February 6, 2007.
It is so cold that my car door would not open because it did not want to let any more cold air in when I tried to open the door.
Its so cold I decided to sleep with my wife of ten years instead of my mistress who lives down the street!!!
It is colder than a well diggers butt!
It's so cold that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant.
Its so cold in D.C. that... only Dick Cheney talks to me now.
Snow-bo (via PAgent’s Progress)
See a slideshow of the beautiful snow and ice sculptures at the annual Ice Festival in Harbin, China.
Ursi has a couple of videos showing how they craft those beautiful ice sculptures.
The best of the worst winter driving videos.
Driving in Winter
This past week I was recently riding with a friend of mine. My friend seemed to drive somewhat cautiously, what with the weather conditions and all.
Soon enough, we approach a red light and he shoots right through it! A bit terrified at what just happened, I ask him,
"Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.
At this point, I put on my seatbelt. Shortly thereafter, we come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it! I ask him with more urgency this time, "What are you doing? Why'd you do that?" And again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.
A few moments later, we come to a green light, and all of sudden he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shout at him at the top of my lungs, "Why do you do that?! Are you trying to kill me!?"
He replied, "On the contrary. I may have saved both of us. You see, my brother could be coming the other way."
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER
60 -Californians put on sweaters(if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 -Miami residents turn on the heat
40 -You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans go swimming.
35 -Italian cars don't start
32 -Water freezes
30 -You plan your vacation to Australia, Minnesotans put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start
25 -Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 -You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further south
15 -French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 -Too cold to ski, You need jumper cables to get your car going
5 -You plan your vacation in Houston, American cars don't start
0 -Alaskans put on T-shirts, too cold to skate
-10 -German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 -You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansas residents stick tongues to metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 -Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 -Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get driver going
-30 -You plan a two week hot bath, The Mighty Monongajela freezes. Swedish cars don't start
-40 -Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 -Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-60 -Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south!!
Previously on Miss Cellania: Snowman and Snowfall.
Thought for today: Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd have frozen to death. - Mark Twain
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Horses
This started when I moved to Missouri to attend college, and I run into it no matter where I go out of state. As soon as someone hears my voice, they are distracted from what I’m saying and immediately ask where I’m from. “Kentucky, huh? I bet you ride horses.”
No. I don’t. I have, but that was just a few occasions many years ago. This state is bigger than Churchhill Downs. But the northern half of the state (where I don’t live) is the breeding grounds of the finest horseflesh the world has ever seen. When we try to decide the most famous Kentucky athlete ever, its a “horse race” between Muhammed Ali and Man O’War. Still, about all I know about horses is that there’s some funny ones on the internet.
I posted about Patches, the Amazing Horse before, but now he’s on YouTube.
In the wake of Barbaro’s passing, Bonanza Jellybean talks about when to put a horse down or not.
PAgent spent some time horseback riding on his vacation. And feeling sorry for the horse.
MommaK’s first riding lesson.
Meet Thumbelina, the world’s smallest horse. (via Arbroath)
Miniature Horses as aids for blind people. (via Look at This)
Waterskiing Horse
The iJoy Ride is supposed to be an exericize machine. I look at it (especially the video) and see a mechanical horse!
I LOVE these singing horses! Click each horse to make him/her start or stop singing.
I’m not too sure about the point of this film. Its an advertisement for a German company. Its beautiful, though! (via Ursi’s Blog)
CLASS
(via Old Horsetail Snake)
To set the parameters for the class, the professor began by asking some questions.
To a female student: "What is the opposite of joy?"
Student: "That would be sadness."
To another female student: "What is the opposite of depression?"
Student: "That is elation."
To a male student: "And you, young man, what is the opposite of woe?"
Student: "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
RACING
Three racing horses were hanging in the bar, trying to impress each other.
The first said, "Well, I've raced 25 times and won 17 of them."
The other one, "Uh, that's nothing man, I've started 54 times and was the winner 45 of them."
The third laughed and said, "You're a couple of losers. I have done 84 races and I won 76!"
Suddenly a voice from below was humming and a Greyhound Wippet was going "Hrrrm, hrrrmm... I just would like to say that I have raced 150 times and won all of them!"
The horses were stunned ...and couldn't say anything at first. At last one of them cried out,
"HEY GUY's, A TALKING DOG!"
Snowball Fight
THE RACETRACK
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race!
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first.
Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest,he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants--you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!"
When a a horse is born to race, he’ll race anyone. (via the Presurfer)
Horses Racing Today
The lineup:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
And they're off!
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry!
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top!
Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly!
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson!
At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming!
At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer!
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head!
Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Thought for today: You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people. ~Will Rogers
PS. Happy Birthday today to Jules at Theater of the Absurd! Y'all should go visit her site; she's a hoot!
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Hollywood
Sunday will mark the 79th annual Academy Awards ceremony. It will be carried live on TV, of course, 8PM on ABC. As as usual, I haven’t seen any of the nominated movies. That doesn’t mean I don’t love movies, because I do! I just don’t go to the theater much anymore, and I don’t want to spend time watching videos alone. I’ve seen a few movies with the kids: Charlotte’s Web, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Happy Feet... I think that’s all. Still, I will watch the Oscars Sunday night, to see who’s wearing the ugliest dress, enjoy host Ellen DeGeneris’ antics, and take notes on what movies I might watch if I ever get a date.
The official site of the Academy Awards. The complete nominee list.
You’ll get all the information you ever wanted and more on the Academy Awards from Oscarwatch. This site has promoted the Oscars for seven years without incident, but is now in trouble for using the Oscar name! 
Eleni’s NYC makes fantastically decorated cookies for all occassions. For the Oscars, there are several sets available: Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Picture, and Hollywood Quotes. Pricy, but they will impress the movie buffs at your Oscar-watching party! (via YesButNoButYes)
Lots more Oscar party ideas and information.
Jellio’s opinion on who should win.
You’ve been too busy reading my blog and haven’t gotten your acceptance speech ready! What if you win? Help is on the way, in the form of the Academy Award Acceptance Speech Generator!
Can you identify these quotes from Oscar-winning movies?
The Bear Wit Project (from the Muppets)
So, just how many people did die in that movie? No need to count them, the answer is at Body Counts. (via Dump Trumpet)
The Top 20