You think when you graduate, that you are through with school and can get on with real life. Think again! I am now going through second and third grade all over again, as I try my best to drag my kids up to average grades. I can explain concepts all night, but I can't make them listen. I can supervise and scan homework, but I can't rewire their brains. I can set an example and create a work-friendly environment, but I can't inject a work ethic. Believe me, this is a LOT harder the second time around! So we may as well laugh about it.

Maddox fancies himself an art critic.. as he takes on your children's masterpieces!

Draw a kaleidoscope. This one's fun! Show the kids.

Virtual Sand Art. Much less messy than the real thing.

Could you pass eighth-grade science?

You Passed 8th Grade Science

Congratulations, you got 7/8 correct!

Science Song Lyrics might help you pass eighth-grade science. Sing these and you'll remember your facts!

Ultra l33t Translator. Internet slang translator. English to kids text message translator. You might need these to find out what your kids are talking about.

Princess’ favorite websites include iCarly, Wedding Gown Games, and this virtual pet game.

Gothgrrl’s favorite websites include WebKinz, Retro Sabotage, and Blue Mountain.

PRE-SCHOOL TEST

Pre-school children were asked the following question:
"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"









Look carefully at the picture.
Do you know the answer?
The only possible answers are "left" and "right."

V

V

V

Think about it ..

V

V

V

Still don't know?

V

V

V

Okay, I'll tell you.

V

V

V

The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered:
"Because you can't see the door."

Feel pretty silly now, don't you?
I know ... me, too.






Some kids are smarter than others... but not this one!




DEEP THOUGHTS FROM KIDS
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of thier life -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money -- Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen, Of course, we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends -- Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote -- Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember its because he sucks-- Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -- Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him -- age 10

I gase at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotole and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -- Age 15

When I go to heaven I want to see my grandfather again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell -- Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower -- Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died -- Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I telll them to kill it anyway because I alread gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor -- Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up -- Age 7

Often, when I'm reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there -- Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, thats five more than the biggest number you could come up with -- Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think its about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes, then I came upon a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean. it's not like he needed them, right? -- Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, just imagine how serene it would be until the looting started -- Age 15

Thought for today: There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.

This post first appeared on January 20th, 2006.

humor links jokes children school kids

In the media age, there’s a sort of one-upmanship involved in making your marriage proposal bigger, splashier, and more creative than anything anyone has ever seen before. This can be really nice, especially for those of us who just enjoy it vicariously, whether we know the participants or not. You saw quite of few of those on my previous post on Proposals. If you are the one proposing, you are putting yourself on the line for the entire world to see your humiliation if she says no. If you’re the woman surprised by an elaborate and public proposal, you might be truly touched, or you might want to sink into the floor from embarrassment. Or you might feel pressured into saying “yes” because of the audience when you really want to run for your life. Either way, the rest of us are going to enjoy the show, so keep those wacky proposal ideas coming!



Ted and Anna Get Engaged

The entire Scrubs cast and crew were in on the surprise.

5 Botched Marriage Proposals. Some things shouldn’t be so public. (via Look at This)

Elementary school proposal.

A planned proposal went awry when a man had the $6,000 engagement ring put into a helium balloon, then saw it blow away in the wind. (via Arbroath)

Back in 2002, Rob Malda, editor and founder of Slashdot, posted a marriage proposal to Kathleen Fent, on the front page.
(Thanks, Scott!)

Proposal in Zero Gravity. David asked Sarah to marry him as they were riding the vomit comet! (via Boing Boing)

The geekiest engagement ring ever! Jennifer Flume designed a USB Flash Drive Swarovski Crystal Engagement Ring. The idea is that two people can exchange information by connecting the rings (photos, messages, or other data). You can then transfer data to a PC with the aid of a USB necklace that accompanies the set. It’s a design concept not yet on the market.

I Can Haz Cheezburger hosted their first marriage proposal on Valentines Day. In a series of LOLcats, Jon popped the question to Loretta. It was later updated with more LOLcat images to verify that she did, indeed, accept. (via Geek Like Me)

ATHEIST

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?", her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell.", said the daughter.

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Jason wanted to stage a memorable proposal to his girlfriend Maui. He pulled it off, with the help of their favorite author, Neil Gaiman. Read the story and see the video.

Halo 3 marriage proposal. (via Neatorama)

Art gallery marriage proposal.

Oliver Thompson made arrangements with the staff at the Blackpool Zoo to set the stage for his proposal. During a zoo visit, his girlfriend Emma Morgan was surprised when a six-ton Asian elephant named Marcella delivered a ribbon to her, with a ring attached! The elephant was carrying an inexpensive version of the actual engagement ring, just in case it was swallowed. Oh, and Emma said yes.

Penguin proposal. Kinda like the elephant proposal, except... with penguins.

A marriage proposal disguised as a patent application.

Man Reprograms Bejeweled game to Propose to Girlfriend.

THE RING

(Thanks, Rich!)

"What's this I hear about your breaking off your engagement?" a mother asked her daughter. "The boy gave you a huge ring."

"Well, his diamond was of pretty good quality," the daughter answered, "but his mounting left a lot to be desired."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Proposals

Thought for today: Why does a man ask for a woman’s hand in marriage? Because he’s tired of using his own.

humor jokes video funny games proposal engagement betrothal diamond ring marriage

Most of us have a few drinking stories in our past. Sometimes they are hard to recall the day after, but they come back to us little by little, either in our memories or in stories told by witnesses. It can be pretty embarrassing to hear your own adventures for the first time through the eyes of someone else. But we get over the shock and memorize the stories, even if we never gain any firsthand memories. We brag on them to some and hide them from others. Then when we have children, and we pretend they didn’t happen. Later, when the kids are grown, we try desperately to remember them well enough to tell them. Or we just try to relive the memories without the hangovers. You know the rule, everything in moderation. But moderation is often the first thing to go, after just one or two drinks.   



The Alcohol Philosophy Song

5 Drinking Stories That Put Yours To Shame.

The Drunkest Generation: 10 Reasons Your Grandpa Could Drink You Under the Table. Of course, they’re not referring to your grandpa, but the culture that made it seem like he could’ve. It’s a look back at the days when drunkenness was considered not only socially acceptable, but even entertaining!

Beer is good.

The epic story of how vodka became vodak at Fark. With pictures.

Liquor Store Archaeology. A scavenger hunt of sorts for the strangest drinks turns up peanut-flavored liqueur, Armenian brandy, and and even rarer finds.

Alcohol Horoscopes.

BARTENDER

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

LATE

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

SHOTS

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots? Are you celebrating something?"

“Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Party in the Stomach (via Man Law)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Lots more posts on Drinking.

Thought for today: Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough. -Mark Twain

humor jokes video funny drink alcohol booze cocktails highball bartender

As some of you may have guessed, New York City fascinates me. I’ve traveled here and there (not as much as I’d like, but more than most people) but New York is the only place that made me want to move there. Being able to walk to a grocery or restaurant holds a lot of charm, but that’s just the beginning. The people come in more than one color. They aren’t all fat. Some are no doubt educated. It shouldn’t be that difficult to connect with people that have interests similar to mine (and to my kids). And don’t tell me about small town culture, because New York has plenty of that, it’s just that they have neighborhood cultures within a big town. But there’s a real problem, that pesky cost of living thing. They say jobs are plentiful, but that means there are plenty of jobs that pay little or nothing for flexible young people with no dependents who can work any shift plus overtime. Because there are plenty of people willing to work for nothing just to say they work in New York.      



PSA by David Lynch (via Seven Deadly Sinners)

New Yorkers live longer than other Americans. It's the walking, I'm sure.

The Broker. A cautionary tale that scares me to no end.

If you don’t like your apartment building, you can write a blog about it. I wonder if this will help him get out of his lease?

Real estate prices are falling all around the country. But not in Manhattan!

See pictures! Historical postcards of New York. Photographs of Manhattan 1964-1969. Arnold Pouteau’s photographs of New York at night. (via Grow-A-Brain) Eugene de Salignac was photographer for the New York City Department of Bridges/Plant and Structures from 1906 to 1934. (via Look at This)

Tips for tourists in New York City. More in the comments. Don’t take it too hard, here in hillbilly country, we feel the same way about tourists, “Welcome, spend your money fast and move along.”

New York etiquette guide.

Have I mentioned New Yorkers love tourists?

This hoodie has a New York City subway map imprinted on it... if you get lost, just follow your arm, or neck, or something. (via Dump Trumpet)

Blog of the Day: NYC Dives.

Perverted street names in Manhattan. (Thanks, Jan!)

Famous Fat Dave’s Five Borough Eating Tour. (via Look at This)

Virtual Lower East Side.

Explore the Secrets of New York.

Tugster: A waterblog. See New York from the perspective of New York Harbor.

The difference in New York City’s population during the day and night.

Henry Miller doesn’t have all that great of an opinion of New York.

CANNIBALS

So a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.

The Chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we'll eat you, and then we'll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchmand cries "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying "God save the Queen!", and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing all over the place, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The New Yorker sneers and says, "So much for your canoe, you dumb shit!"

EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

These three guys managed to get to the top of the Empire State Building to show off the length of their manhoods.

The first one opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeew. Twenty stories. "Top that," he said.

The second opened his fly and let it out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew. Twenty-five stories. "Top that," he said.

The last guy opened his fly and let his out. Wheeeeeeeeeeeew. Down it went. Suddenly, he started to shift from side to side in jerky movements.

"What happened? Crabs got you?" asked one of the other guys?

"No. I'm dodging traffic!" he replied.

Holland Tunnel (via Grow-A-Brain)

The reports said there was a 35 minute backup in the Holland Tunnel. This guy made it through in less than five minutes -because he was on a bicycle! That’s not legal, but it’s fast.

Previously at Miss Cellania: New York City, New York, New York, Road Trip Report, and November 12 Links.

Thought for today: This is only the center of the universe, not the entire universe. -Jessica Liese

humor jokes video funny city New York jokes video funny games

It doesn't take much for me to start riffing on a subject. I was looking for Mark Longmire's Romance Novel Covers and found he's a Planet of the Apes fan; in fact he has retold the story in a most unique way. I thought my friend April (Ape) would enjoy that site, so one thing led to another and now I've got all these monkey and ape links and pictures. I guess you could say I'm just monkeyin' around today!

The Monkey Bar

One of the first things I found was a great essay on how we live our lives called The Monkeysphere.

Cakes decorated for monkey parties.

The bad news for monkeys is about the banana supply.

Thinking about monkeys reminded me of this Sock Monkey Movie. If you love sock monkeys (and who doesn't), Tamara at Sock Monkey Fun will set you up. She'll even custom-make your monkey!

The Sharper Image has a chimpanzee for sale that you don't have to feed or toilet-train! Well, if you look closely you'll see that they don't really have it. They did at one time. But when you mark something down from $149.95 to $1.95, it's no wonder it's no longer available. It's moves like that that landed them in bankruptcy.

Read about the Beer Making Monkeys of Borneo (via the Presurfer).

Yeah, there is a test involved. I found one where you match wits with a monkey. I barely outscored the monkey (who chose random answers). Not an easy quiz, but fun while it lasts.


I beat the monkey by 17 points.
Famous Monkey Challenge Quiz

Geography Your score: 10 Monkey's score: 0 -- Quite well done.	History Your score: 9 Monkey's score: 7 -- You might have done better.
Science/Technology Your score: 6 Monkey's score: 5 -- Good enough I suppose.	Random Trivia Your score: 8 Monkey's score: 4 -- Good but not great.

Link: Take the Trivia Quiz

RESCUE
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."

PURSUIT
A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

"Tag, you're it".


Misscellania definition
Primate: (verb) Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

This entry was inspired by my bud April, called Ape for short.

Thought for today: We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

This post was originally published on November 2, 2005. There will be new material here tomorrow!

humor links funny monkeys apes

Princess had a slumber party for her birthday last night (continuing this morning). I know you don’t really need to plan activities for 11-year-old girls, outside of supplying food and movies, but I found the Magic Milk Trick and was fascinated. I bought the ingredients (I used half and half for milk since someone said it had to be high fat) and brought it out after the cake and ice cream. It worked perfectly! The girls had never seen such a thing. Princess had received a digital camera as a gift (a better model than mine) and insisted I do the trick a second time for the video. I would love to post it here, but considering how much giggling went on, I think it would need much more editing than I am willing to do. A good time was had by all.



Blogging Business Exposed! (via Bit and Pieces)

Amazing tricks women can do with their breasts.

Keyboard Recital. This girl is ten years old. Be prepared to enjoy this.

Joe and Marissa confront an embarrassing situation with their houseguest. And inadvertently come up with what could be a great parlor game!

6 Massive Earth Moving Projects. That’s a lot of dirt!

Greenpeace produced a parody of the Dove Onslaught ad to highlight Dove's contribution to deforestation. Contains some images that may be disturbing, which is the point.

THE BUS TOUR

(via Bit and Pieces)
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.

She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.” 

Greenpeace produced a parody of the Dove Onslaught ad to highlight Dove's contribution to deforestation.

A Human Stop-Motion Snake. This guy has quite a following, so to speak.

Never microwave an egg in its shell. Here’s why.

That’s What She Said.

There was once a time (and I’m old enough to remember it) when such things weren’t talked about. See 10 Great Tampon Ads From Around the World.

The 7 Greatest Home Shopping Screw Ups of All Time. See classic videos of what can go wrong on live TV.

Donald Rumsfeld Soundbites of the Decade.

Build your own Virtual Volcano and watch it blow! Different settings will produce different volcanoes and eruptions.

White Stuff People Like. (via Pajiba)

The Museum of Unworkable Devices is one of those sites everyone on the Internet should know about. There’s a special emphasis on the Holy Grail of engineering, the perpetual motion machine. (via The Presurfer)

There is not enough cussing at YesButNoButYes. You can help.

The weirdest news stories of the week.

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.  "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that  would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the  defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for  the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's  business card."

I Love the World

Thought for today: "Veni, Vidi, Velcro"--I came, I saw, I stuck around.

PS: Remember, you’ll have a head start on the links of the week if you check out Miss C Recommends every day!

humor jokes video funny games

Princess is having her friends over for a slumber party tonight. A week ago when we first planned this, I went into a slight panic at the state of the house. Things have piled up over the winter. Yes, we were supposed to clean during spring break, but we had no real incentive. A birthday party is a real incentive! So I worked, and got tired, and got behind on blogging, and as the week went by I realized that not as many girls are coming as I thought, and those who are have been here before. I also realized I would never accomplish all the cleaning I planned. So I am satisfied that we have plenty of food and movies and that you can walk through the house without stumbling over something.



A Word from Our Sponsor

Teaching teenagers to do housework. It’s harder than doing it yourself.

A new study shows that just having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework a week for women. Duh.

American Trash: 15 of America’s Filthiest Homes only has two pictures, but each of the 15 cases is linked to the original news story in case you want to see more. (via The Presurfer)

10 Reasons Why James Dyson Doesn’t Suck. A tribute to the vacuum cleaner man.

Q.  Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry?
A.  He's a man.

HEAVY CLEANING

One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

LAUNDRY STAIN REMOVAL GUIDE

Blood - Spill more blood around area of stain so it won't stand out as much.

Ink - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?"

Grass - Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Tomato Sauce - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee - Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain.

Chewing Gum - Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish - Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?

HANGING OUT

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. Two of the women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it unexpectedly rains. "Say, Sophie, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."

Previously at Miss Cellania: House Cleaning, Housework, and Lawn Mowing.

Thought for today: The problem with housework is that no one notices it until you DON’T do it.

humor jokes video funny housework cleaning mop sweep dust scrub

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull opens May 22nd.  I am so looking forward to this, since I enjoyed the first three movies and Harrison Ford is still hot to this old lady. Will it be any good? The final cut is long: two hours and twenty minutes. And then all the sudden, we started getting vibes that it might not be as good as we expected. In fact, there are rumors that it may actually be bad. George Lucas says we should not get our hopes up. Some say it has to suck, because of George Lucas and Shia LaBouef. Others say it has to be awesome because of Steven Speilberg and Harrison Ford. But no matter how the fourth movie turns out, I’ll still love Indy for what he has given us already.

Throughout this post, you’ll find animated gifs of the first three Indiana Jones movies. They were created by FoldsFive. See more of his work at his b3ta page. I tried to separate them, so you can choose to pay attention or not. Each tells the story of the entire movie.



Raiders of the Lost Ark in Lego

Vanity Fair gives you a sneak peak of The Crystal Skull by talking to Steven Speilberg, George Lucas, and Harrison Ford.

The official movie site. Find all the teasers and trailers there, plus extra footage.

10 Awesome Indiana Jones Facts. Stories you’ve never heard before about how the four movies were made.

Why Indiana Jones is our Greatest American Hero.

Expedia is into Indiana Jones in a big way... they sent me an Indy hat and a old-style faux leather suitcase! (Oh yeah, thanks!) They are launching some Indiana Jones travel packages starting today, and plan a sweepstakes around the movie, with trips as prizes.

Other Indiana Jones merchandising Tie-Ins.

Crystal Skull character outlines and spoilers. Don’t read if you don’t want to know.

A peek at the Crystal Skull, courtesy of a comic book.

This may be what the crystal skull in the movie looks like... but it may be a red herring. Anyway, Paramount Pictures requested the removal of the original image, so this one may be gone by the time you click it.

A brief discussion on the origin of Crystal Skulls (with possible spoilers). (via Geek Like Me)

Everything you ever wanted to know about the Indiana Jones movies, spinoffs, and merchandising can be found at the fansite The Raider.

The Ten Most Awesome Indiana Jones Moments.

The history of the Indiana Jones movies.

The Temple of Boom: An Indiana Jones Home Theater.

A funny scene from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Indiana Jones in Lego.

A real-life Indiana Jones believes he  may have traced the Ark of the Covenant to Zimbabwe. But don’t expect it to still be there waiting.

How about some Indiana Jones online games? Try Indiana Jones in the Lost Teasure of Pharoah, Indy in Odd World (a maze game) or  Indiana Jones and the Sacred Fortune (Samorost style).

If you like Indiana Jones, you’re going to love Pennsyltucky Paul!

Yo mama is so fat when she auditioned for Indiana Jones she got the part of the rolling stone.

MIND THE Ds

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "Indiana""?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in Indiana"?

She immediately says "One".

The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in Indiana?".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

She starts singing "Da da da daaaa, da da daaaaa, da da da daaaaa......"

Other Names Considered for the Fourth Indiana Jones Movie