Right out of college, I moved in with a roommate who was deathly allergic to dogs and cats. I had spent my school years missing my pets, so I immediately went out and got two aquariums, one for fish, and the other for lizards. The joy of having pets again was short-lived, as I soon realized that you don’t get much out of petting a lizard. The roommate didn’t even like me to take them out of their terrarium. I never got very attached to the critters, so when someone expressed some interest in them, I very generously made them a gift. As soon as my roommate and I parted ways, she started getting allergy shots and adopted a ferret. Now I have a house, with more critters than I know what to do with, including a herd of blue-tailed skinks that I haven’t grown close to, either. I guess some things never change.

Flying Amphibians and Reptiles (via Ursi’s Blog)

Bullfrogs will eat anything. Without fangs or claws, they will manage to consume spiders, scorpions, rodents, and birds, just by opening their big mouths.

Homo Escapeons had a close encounter with a dragon after a few drinks at a cousin’s home.

Snake Blog: NMHerps.

Hurt -Kermit the Frog

Sad Kermit on MySpace.

THE LIZARD AND THE KOALA

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
A koala was sitting up in a gum tree, smoking a joint.

When a little Lizard walked past and looked up and said:

"Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"

The Koala says: "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little Lizard climbed up and sat next to the Koala and they burned a few. After awhile, the little Lizard says his mouth was "dry" and he was going to get a drink from the river. But the little Lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

 
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little Lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little Lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

 

The little Lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting, smoking a joint with the Koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.


The crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the Koala is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey, you!!"

So the Koala looks down at him and says:
"Holy shiiiiiite, dude!! How much water did you drink?"

 

 

SNAKE AND FROG

A man went fishing one day.

He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

 But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.

All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. 

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

ALLIGATOR SHOES

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own gator!" to which the shopkeeper replied,

"By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!"

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the good ole boys,' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Flip the Frog in Killing Floor

The story behind this video.

GATOR IN A BAR

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Previously on Miss Cellania: Frogs

Thought for today:  I've always liked reptiles. I used to see the universe as a mammoth snake, and I used to see all the people and objects, landscapes, as little pictures in the facets of their scales. I think peristaltic motion is the basic life movement. Swallowing. -Jim Morrison

humor jokes video funny games reptiles amphibians frog snake lizard

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Someone in literature (I can't recall who) said April is the cruelest month. Not so! I've had some blessings to count this month. Two new paying web jobs came my way, so I can call myself a professional blogger, if there really is such a thing. I was nominated for a Best of Bloggers (BOB) award, and some of my friends won! I'm now soliciting votes for The Blogger's Choice Awards. You have to register to vote, but it only takes a minute, then you can vote for me for Best Humor Blog and vote for a lot of other fine blogs, too. You CAN vote for more than one blog in each category.  Marti tagged me with the Thinking Blogger Award, which was a sweet little ego boost. AND I have a new keyboard! My M, U, J, and 7 are back, and I SO appreciate them now!

BLOGGER NEWS

Congratulations to Jules at  Theater of the Absurd , who is now a college graduate! Congratulations to Dick of RV Travels with Huggy, who got married on Saturday. Hold some good thoughts for the Erudite Redneck, who is transitioning from Oklahoma to Colorado. And there is some bad news. Figlet, the first personal blog I ever followed, and the one that inspired me to start blogging, is closing up becase of a flame war in the comments that I didn't even get to read. I wish her the best. Freedom's Place looks like it may be on the way out, too. Please remember Astryngia in your prayers as she fights off cancer.

VIDEOS AND CARTOONS

Women Keep Your Virtue! (via Everlasting Blort)

The best short films I can recall from Night Flight. Sandy Bell misses the soldiers. Pong Gone Wrong. Supercool Winkytool.  Amazing wedding dances. Feedback for the professor. This tire knows where its going!  A strange little cartoon about alchemy. A Chink in the Armour.  The Ultimate Viral Video Compilation. Vagina Power. Star Trek Away Team. The Belt Flip. Disco Hitler.  Canine Musical Freestyle. Collection of bad sex education videos. UFO porn. Flashback time! BillGates vs. Steve Jobs.

 The Zimmers

WEBSITES AND ARTICLES

Matt Wiggins started a FaceBook group to convince his fiance to have a Star Wars wedding. If he gets 10,000 people to join, he gets stormtroopers for escorts. The Groom’s Guide to the Wedding. Armchair Cruisers. VW Beetle mods.  Absurdist humor. How I got stranded on a deserted island with Jean-Luc Picard! Michael Jackson’s robot designs. MapQuest directions to the clitoris.  Peep scenarios. The story behind the 4 minute one-take fight scene. 

Cute Little Cthulhu. Deep Fried Balls of Butter. “Son, we need t talk to you about condoms.”

GAMES, QUIZZES, and GENERATORS

Try this vision test. Bloons. National Geographic’s Sailing Simulator. How Sexy are You?  Sex Toy or Fishing Lure? The perfect CAPCHA test. Bowling Bunnies. Tropix. Kids Cold Orchestra. 

TOPICS

April 2 Links
April 7 Links
April 14 Links
April 21 Links
April 28 Links
April Fool
Art Class
Boat
Cars
Diet Management
Divorce or Murder?
Dogs and More Dogs
Fishing Trip
Georgia
He's Alive
Letters and Words
 Mars and Venus, Introduction
Oldsters
Pancakes for Breakfast
Parking Lot
Peeps, Easter Eggs, and Bunnies
Psychiatry
Science Class
Sex Advice
Star Trek: The Search for Sanity
Teachers
Tortoise and Hare
Wedding Weirdness
Women
Thought for today: It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too

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The common statistic is that 50% of marriages end in divorce. You cannot predict the future, but the chance for happiness is still worth the trouble. Better to take a flying leap and crash than to never get near the edge. Still, those are not your only choices. You can and should proceed with caution. I believe it was St. Paul who said “It is better to marry than to burn.” I should add here, it is better to divorce than to murder. Yes, the end of a brightly-burning love affair can be tragic when it happens to you. When it happens to others, it can be just plain funny. I don't mean either divorce or murder is funny, but the ingenuity of those who want to get back at the one who done him/her wrong can be hilarious.

 

 

 

Signs that your spouse is trying to kill you (Worth 1000).

A collection of revenge stories from Payback.com.

Top 10 Breakups From Hell from Revengelady.com

 

The Letters

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"

My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich & Free!

 

THE SETTLEMENT

As part of the divorce settlement, she got the trailer and the truck too. He delivered the truck, as per the judge's order, yesterday. More pictures here. (Thanks, Joe!)

The Liscence

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heavens name did you find that out?"

And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

(Thanks, April!)

The Rabbi

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

The Revenge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
Misscellania Definition Divorce: The future tense of marriage.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Mars and Venus: The Breakup

Thought for today: "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

This post first appeared December 7, 2005. 

humor links divorce alimony marriage funny

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This past week, Princess turned ten years old. Where does the time go? This also made me realize its been almost a year since I’ve been on the air. How long before I stop calling myself a disc jockey?  And it’s been six months since I’ve been out with a man. I feel like maybe I’m getting old. They say life is like toilet paper... it goes faster toward the end. Not that I’m getting near the end; I still say life begins at forty. But I say that because its getting hard to remember anything that happened before that!

ROFLMAO! (via Fuzzytopia)

Did you hear the one about the Japanese actress who bought a sheep and thought it was a poodle?

Spiderman, the Musical!

Cute Little Cthulhu.

Dave Praeger of The Poop Report has a new book, Poop Culture, How America is Shaped by its Grossest National Product.

Eleven Sunburn Photos and One Piece of Art. (NSFW)

Devil Bunny.

Saturday Morning Campaign 2008.

Comment thread of the week.

Can’t Sleep? Read this and you’ll lie awake at night worrying why.

Rob at Cockeyed.com made these Devo hats for a Guitar Hero party, and posted step-by-step instructions.  (via Everlasting Blort)

This Russian site has eerily beautiful artwork designed from skeletal imagery. (via All Night Surfing)

The best short films I can recall from Night Flight.

ORIGINS

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for  200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grumpy around here."

It’s Raining 300 Men

Great eBay feedback.  Most folks don’t read these things, but should! (Thanks, Jan!)

Google Web History.

Homeless. Australian documentary director Trevor Graham filmed a day in the life of a homeless person in each of six cities: Sydney, New York, Delhi, Tokyo, Jakarta, and London. The resulting stories are broken into many parts (which you can select individually). You may be surprised at the many ways people can find themselves without a home. 

War is hell on the homefront, too. This music video is nothing like what you thought it would be.

Pong Gone Wrong. (Thanks, Bill!)

Best liscence plate ever.

Slideshow of celebrities who have appeared on Sesame Street.

Supercool Winkytool.  

SICK

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my father-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my mother-in-law. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure that she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm boinking her."

The boss says, "You boink your mother-in-law?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Thought for today: Hooters announced it's opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "As far as I'm concerned, Hooters is the holy land." -Conan O'Brien

humor jokes video funny games

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This week I got a huge lesson in the importance of letters. My daughter spilled soda on the keyboard. It hasn’t worked since. I pulled out the old keyboard, the one that originally
went with the iMac that was blown to pieces. It types, but it’s missing some crucial letters, namely “u”, “m”, “j”, and the number “7”. You can see here how I was typing. That is why I haven’t left comments at the blogs I visit lately. Chris at Death by Children was kind enough to send me the missing letters to paste in: mmmmmMMMMMmmmmmUUUUUUuuuuuuJJJjjj777 but he also laughed at me. I now know the vast importance of the letter “u”. Consider some of my sources: the Presurfer, Ursi, and the impossible Dump Trumpet. Over at Neatorama, I am constantly typing the phrase “Push play or go to YouTube.” Try THAT without a “U”! Let me tell you now, you can’t make words without letters!

 
Fuzzy Dave started an alphabet series with A is for Aardvark.

The title today was made with the Butterfly Alphabet. (via Ursi’s Blog)

Pompous Ass Words. As in, “they make you sound like a”. Try to avoid these, if you’ve even heard of them.

25 words that make you sound like an idiot if you mispronounce them. I know a lot of people who say Old Timer’s Disease on purpose, thinking its a clever joke. It was clever 20 years ago. (via the Presurfer)

Contranyms are words that are their own opposites. Really.

Ambigrams are words that look the same when you turn them upside-down. Homero Larrain has a blog of ambigrams, in Spanish. For an English example, check out the one he did for Neatorama.

Word Dissociation -Lemon Demon (via Transbuddha)

Commonly misused words, in ways you may not be aware of.

I always had trouble with this word. (via the Presurfer)

Your Vocabulary Score: A-

Congratulations on a multifarious vocabulary! Miss Cellania is quite an erudite person. But everyone knows that already!

 
Lexicon Leghorn has some word definitions that make more sense (somehow) than what you learned in school.

The Helvetica font is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year! So this guy made a movie about it. Yes, a film about a typefont. Here’s a review.

Wordy is SO addicting once you get the hang of it! This game is a cross between Scrabble and Tetris, or maybe a wordfind puzzle. As the letters drop, click on adjacent letters to spell a word. You can go in any and all directions, and even change direction, as long as the letters are next to each other. Then click again on the last letter. If that word (of at least three letters) is in their dictionary, the tiles will disappear. But you have to hurry! (via Transbuddha)

WORD QUIZ

(Thanks, Phil!)
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common…….
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at  the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be  the same word. They are “almost palindromes.”

GW Bush and his words.

 

International Alphabet

While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff - who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform - was talking about the International Phonetic Alphabet. She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it.

"Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..." But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help.

I offered a hint, "What aren't you wearing today?"

"Underwear?" she replied.

 

Visuwords is an online graphical dictionary. Learn how words associate with other words with the diagrams that come with each word. After your word loads, run your mouse over the word or the associated words to get a definition. (via Writing from the Inside Out)

FONTS

1st Designer: “Wow, you always have so many fonts, where do you get them from?”

2nd Designer: “Oh they come from Monaco, Geneva, Chicago, New York… I get them delivered at various Times throughout the day…”

1st Designer: “By who?”

2nd Designer: “A Courier!”

Text Rain Interactive Installation (via Dump Trumpet)

THE CLASSIC FONT JOKE

A font walks into a bar.

The barman says "we don't serve your type here"

So the font called the serif.

Thought for today: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything. -Stephen Wright

humor jokes video funny games letters words font alphabet type

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A lot of folks think of Georgia as that long stretch between wherever they came from and Florida. It is, but its also much more. You can track Georgia by the produce billboards, peaches, pecans, watermelons, and smack dab in the middle is this huge city you don’t want to drive through at rush hour. But I always seem to. Why, it takes about a day and half to drive from one side to the other! If you can stop and stay awhile, Atlanta is a charming city. You’ll get lost, no doubt, but the natives make it a pleasant experience.

 
The Devil Went Down to Georgia -Primus

Atlanta has been named as the Worst City to Sleep In.

Also, the Worst City for Asthma Sufferers. (Thanks, Ed!)

You Know You're From Georgia When...

ATLANTA

(Thanks, Kirby!)
This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta , who has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta ...

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola. That's all they drink there, so don't ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola.

Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2am Saturday.

A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue , so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawns duh LEE-on".

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk,bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta that has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going "North" or "South". The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop". If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types of spiders and all 10,000 live in Georgia , plus a couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks. If it crawls, it bites.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm fixinto go to the store).

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"  (Thanks,, Kirby!)

PEACHES

A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door.  He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches? "

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,"Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

Georgia on my Mind

Thought for today: My version of "Georgia" became the state song of Georgia. That was a big thing for me, man. It really touched me. Here is a state that used to lynch people like me suddenly declaring my version of a song as its state song. That is touching. -Ray Charles

humor links video funny Peachtree South Georgia Atlanta peach

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Congratulations to Dick at RV Travels with Huggy! He’s getting married to Pat this Saturday. In honor of the blessed occasion, I rounded up some more wedding links and jokes. Now, I’ve been a widow longer than Dick has, and I have hardly even dated since then, but am I jealous? What do you think? Of course I am! But I am still happy for both Dick and Pat, and I’d be happy for anyone who finds the kind of joy they obviously have found in each other. So, best wishes to both of you, and don’t take these wedding examples today too seriously!


You Have the Ring, Don’t You? (Thanks, Jan!)

Check out this selection of amazing, if inexplicable, wedding dances.

Unique gifts for the bride-to-be at Classy Bride. Like the word “bride” on her butt.

Cajun Wedding

Blog of the Day is Wedding Heckler: Cheap Shots from the Back Pew.

Matt Wiggins started a FaceBook group to convince his fiance to have a Star Wars wedding. If he gets 10,000 people to join, he gets stormtroopers for escorts. If 20,000 people join, they’ll play The Imperial March. If you have a FaceBook account, you can help him out! The wedding is in October, and he already has over 6,000 members. No word on whether we will all be invited.

Some awesome wedding (and other occasion) cakes. This example includes the marital bed! (via Dump Trumpet)

Awful Wedding Crap. (via Everlasting Blort)

The Groom’s Guide to the Wedding. You’ve got to read the whole thing when you get time, its down-to-earth and hilarious.

The Useless Men have advice on what to wear to a wedding.

CHRISTIAN WOMAN MARRIED PERVERT!

PLANS

(Thanks, Jan!)
Erchie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's plans for his forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night..."

Erchie nods approvingly.

"Hivvens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Erchie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

THE HONEYMOON

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'

She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."

She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."

He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Theme Wedding

THE WEDDING NIGHT

(Thanks, Jan!)
Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."

THE WEDDING TEST

(lifted from Holtie’s House)
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

The question is: Just how drunk do you have to be, to get married?

Previously on Miss Cellania: Wedding, Wedding Day Horror, and Redneck Wedding.

Thought for today: I always cry at weddings, especially my own. -Humphrey Bogart

humor jokes video funny wedding nuptuals marriage bride groom

Stumble this! 

This one’s for the teachers in the Blogosphere, and there are plenty of them. NYC Educator deals with issues way beyond what non-teachers are even aware of (but should be). No Early Bird teaches a class full of first graders every day, then goes home to almost as many kids of her own. Jules at Theater of the Absurd is finishing up her student teaching as we speak. There are tons of teacher blogs. And I’m sure there are plenty of teachers that I read everyday that I’ve left out... some are teachers who never write about work. But this one’s for you anyway.

This NTU professor in Singapore shares some of the comments on his feedback forms.

CASH INCENTIVE

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.

This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

You’d think by high school, kids would check to see if a class is “advanced” before they sign up for it. But NOooo!

Some teachers could use a refresher course. This is the kind of thing I’d get in trouble for at school. In fact, this is exactly the kind of thing that cost me the Valedictorian title. (via Dump Trumpet)

Some mathematics for parents.

How delightful to get your test scored and receive this back!  I hope he got a good score.

Papers that give teachers headaches (and laughs).

OPENING DAY

(via Bits and Pieces)
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.  The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.  She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?", she guessed.  "No," the boy replied.  She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

REAL TEACHERS

(via Old Horsetail Snake)
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Costco.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers' lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks. Grading in church is permissible.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they learn that April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will appear at an open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a valentine.

Previously on Miss Cellania: School Children and Math Teacher 

Thought for today: A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops.  ~Henry Brooks Adams

humor jokes video funny teachers school education classroom professor

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I’ve never been vain about what car I drive, and it’s a good thing. Just about all the vehicles I’ve owned were either ten years old or green. The minivan I have now is both. I don’t even think about all the bells and whistles my car lacks, until I ride in someone else’s car (and that doesn’t happen often). For years, I told myself “my next car will have intermittant wipers.” Yeah, that’s really ambitious! My next car not only had intermittent wipers, but also a delay you could set, which had been available on new cars for years and I didn’t even know it. In fact, I’m a car dealer’s nightmare. Does it run? How much does it cost? That’s the extent of my car-buying priorities. That cost part is the deal breaker.

 
Tex Avery&rsq