Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"

"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner.

As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them.

The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

Mom told me my first word was “clock”. Not "mama", not "daddy", but "clock". Weird. She said I had a favorite clock that I was kind of attached to. I even took it apart, after which it never worked again. I don’t recall any of that, of course, but as an adult I learned the value of clocks, and the value of being able to estimate time without one. Such talent comes in real handy in broadcasting. My kids aren’t so time-conscious. One doesn’t quite get analog time, even though most of our clocks have old-fashioned dials. If I say it’s 15 til, she doesn’t know what that means. If I say it’s 7:45, she knows she’d better hurry to get to school. Sigh.



The Fly and the Cuckoo Clock

How Super-Precise Atomic Clocks Will Change the World in a Decade. The National Institute of Standards and Technology is up to a lot more than telling us what time it is; each of their clocks is exponentially better than the one before.

Alarm Clocks. The ones that really wake you up in style.

Timeline.

The Farting Cow Clock of Edinburgh. (via Grow-A-Brain)

Roger Wood’s whimsical steampunk clocks are to die for!

Break Free from the Tyranny of the Clock! Using your body’s natural rhythms has to be good for you, but your boss probably won’t like it.

Dali Clocks. There are more available than you’d think!

Clock that spells the hour.

Aluna, the world’s first tidal powered moon clock.

Not everyone is impressed by clocks.

SLOW CLOCK

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."

NOON

Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Mafia Logic

(via Bits and Pieces)
An old Italian Mafia ‘Don’ is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.   “Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you always remember me.”

“But, Grandpa, I really don’t lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?”

“Shuddup an’a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with a nother man. Whadda you gonna do then……, Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’?”

Five O’Clock at the Clock Shop

Previously at Miss Cellania: Time Travel

Thought for today: Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life. -William Faulkner

humor jokes video funny games time clocks chronometer chronology wristwatch

Yesterday, you may have told yourself that Daylight Saving Time is no big deal, but that was Sunday. Today is the day you have to drag yourself out of bed before daylight, an hour earlier biologically than you are used to. It ain’t easy, is it? I am normally a morning person -always have been. Being at work at 5AM was never a problem, until I had children to supervise. Even now, I try to get as much work done as I can before they wake up. The real work starts when they need to get up. By 7AM, the public school kids are already waiting for the bus (half an hour ride, get to school on time to eat breakfast before class starts 15 minutes earlier than parochial school). My kids will sleep through any alarm clock and any yelling on my part. I have to drag them from slumber, drag them out of bed, drag them into their clothing, and drag them to the car to get to school by eight. All this after they are in bed every night at nine!

Credit goes to Cyriak for the perfect title picture.



Wake Up! (via Grow-A-Brain)

SleepFM, the social alarm clock. This brings social networking into the bedroom, so to speak, as messages from your friends and family can wake you up! See a video of SleepFM in action.

Strange and different alarm clocks.

strange and innovative alarm clocks. (via Geek Like Me)

The world’s most annoying alarm clocks.

Why do you wake up in the morning?

A collection of tips, actually links to full articles, on how to start getting up early in the morning. But don’t stay up too late reading them!

How to Sleep at Work.

Turning off the Alarm Clock. (via Amyoops)

SLEEPING PILLS

(via It Occurred to Me)
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra strong, sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm.

He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to the boss. "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."

"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday & Tuesday?"

TALKING CLOCK

(Thanks, Rich!)
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How' s it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Cat Man Do

Here’s the real life version. (via Arbroath)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Breakfast, Breakfast 2, Pancakes for Breakfast, Coffee, Coffee Break, and Sleep. 

Thought for today: There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

humor jokes video funny games morning wake up awakening alarm

Insomnia is a way of life for me. This site was born out of insomnia. I'm even starting to get a reputation for it. Hoss thinks I stay up too late when I'm actually getting up too early. Sometimes. Other times I haven't been to sleep at all! But even with just three or four hours of sleep, I cannot keep a regular schedule. I could be up at 1AM for six nights straight, then the ONE night I get the 1AM phone call that I've been waiting for, I'll be sound asleep and cause unneccessary embarassment on the part of the caller. As we say in these parts, "can't win for losing."

I figured Saylight Savings Time would be a good time to rerun this post. Why did they have to start it so early? Because research shows DST saves energy, as we don't have to turn on the lights early in the evening. That might makes sense in the summer, but it's still winter! There's not enough daylight to go around, no matter how you shhuffle it. And so we all lose an hour of sleep this weekend, and won't get it back til sometime near Christmas.

Sleepy Kitten

This is National Sleep Awareness Week, so I threw together a bunch of sleepy funnies for your entertainment and education. Lets start with some games.

Help Oscar stay awake at work. Not an easy game to figure out.

Sheep Dash, a game to measure your reaction time.

Sleepless Knight. With a name like that, I HAD to include it in the insomnia post. Read the instructions to get past the password problem.

Research on the "early-riser" phenomenon.

Floating bed. Nice looking, too!

Photo gallery of celebrities yawning. Does looking at this cause you to feel sleepy?










The position you sleep in tells a lot about your personality.

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational. You are also giving and kind - a great friend. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"Amen"

Sweet Tired Cat

ACCOUNTANT

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin' Catholic.

Thought for today: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -W.C. Fields

P.S. This is my 200th post! Or it was, when it was first published on March 28th, 2006.

humor sleep video funny games nap insomnia

You may act as if money doesn’t matter to you all you like, but we aren’t buying it. Study after study tells us that money can’t buy happiness. Sure, we know that. Money buys you stress, whether you have it or not. If you don’t have it, you stress about getting it, or getting more. If you have money, you stress about hanging onto it. It’s all relative. If you don’t have  rent money, getting just enough will make you happy for a short time (til next month). If you are getting along OK, you compare yourself to the next person. Someone once said, “A truly happy man is one who makes $100 more than his wife’s sister’s husband.” And people who have a lot of money find it a precious commodity, too... whether it makes them happy or not, they want more and they don’t want to lose any. Whatever your situation, you can’t get away from dealing with money in one way or another.



The Money Song  -Monty Python

Funny Money: Strange currencies of the world.

Money Pubs: Home of the World’s Most Expensive Wallpaper. What’s amazing is that there are several places where the walls are lined with money. 

25 money confessions, with photo illustrations. Some may hit home.

This article from MSNBC says that a guy should pay for the first date if he wants a second date. The response from Fark was mostly if a guy pays for the date, the woman should put out. My experience is that men don't want to pay for a first date, and they don't care about a second date. But that's just me.

The Savin’ Up for Therapy Bank is available online. (Thanks, Jan!)

41 Money Facts That Will Blow You Away. They didn’t really blow me away; most make plenty of sense if you have been paying attention.

Kiplinger had launched a new site to teach you the basics of money.

50 Myths About Money.

POETRY

(via Big Shot Bob in Texas)
Money, the long green,
cash, stash, rhino, jack
or just plain dough.

Chock it up, fork it over,
shell it out. Watch it
burn holes through pockets.

To be made of it! To have it
to burn! Greenbacks, double eagles,
megabucks and Ginnie Maes.

Money breeds money.
Gathering interest, compounding daily.
Always in circulation.

Money. You don't know where it's been,
but you put it where your mouth is.
And it talks.

THE FORTUNE

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

THE FUNERAL

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Mars and Venus: Men and Money

Thought for today: A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

humor jokes video funny games money finance currency cash wealth

Just over a week ago, I posted a contest and asked for your funny stories about stressful parenting. The contest is sponsored by LTDchix, who print “Living the Dream” T-shirts so you can smile (or at least your shirt will) when you don’t feel like smiling. Thanks big bunches to LTDchix, who have shirts for the winning entrants! Check out their Living the Dream merchandise at their site. Congratulations to Not Over It and to Three Collie for surviving (and writing) the winning entries! Thanks to everyone for a wonderful response! I had considered publishing all the stories, but I received about three times as many as could be put into one post, so these are only the funniest of a funny bunch.

Parents and Kids Having Fun

TENTACLES

by not_over_it
Stress? I left my husband when my son was 3-years-old, and worked two, sometimes three part-time waitressing jobs while going to college full time. Lucky for me, my mom was there to watch him quite often, and I'd sometimes stop there between jobs or school, drink some coffee with mom on the porch, and watch Joe play in the garden.

One day, while he was digging for worms, he started screaming and crying because he was being attacked by tiny red ants.

Other than a few little red marks, he was fine, so I went to work (again), picked him up, had some quality time with him, gave him a bath and put him to bed, then studied for a test the next day until 3:00 a.m..

The next morning I woke up to "Mom. Mom. Mommy!"

Huh? I peeked one eye at my alarm clock, and it was 5:45 a.m., a full hour before we had to be up.

OK, I'll bite, "What's wrong, hon?"

"My tentacles are big."

Uh....

I had been dealing with him discovering how he could make his penis big in a *boing-boing-boing, isn't this fun?* kind of way, not to mention him waking up that way, so I corrected him by saying "I think you mean 'penis', not testicles, and I told you that it's perfectly natural for a boy to wake up with his penis bigger.

I still hadn't opened my eyes yet, and he said "No, Mommy, it's my tensticles, and I don't think this is natural. See?" and pulled down his jammies.

You don't know what it took to keep calm and not say "Oh dear LORD! WTF??? They're the size of freakin' SOFTBALLS!"

Instead I said, "You know, you're right. I think I should call the doctor. Does it hurt?"

The doctor got him in and out before my test, gave him a cream for the allergic reaction to the ant bites, and had one of the best laughs of his life outside the door about Joe's swollen tentacles.

THE MINIVAN

by threecollie of North View Diary
We were off an a hurried shopping trip, hunting for the essentials for the wildly foolish enterprise of hauling a string of show cows to a county fair and spending a week playing valet to them. You know the kind of junk I mean, picture frames, baby oil, fake flowers, baby powder, laundry detergent, shoe polish, and all the other assorted supplies you wouldn't think you would need for a cow but somehow you do.

(Incidentally it seems to cost about as much to take two cows for each of three kids to the fair as it does to feed a third, (heck even second), world nation for a year. All this and you generally win little pieces of colored ribbon...blue is a big favorite...which the kids stuff in the show box under the water hose and pair of dirty sneakers and forget. Now that they are older they take as many as a dozen...but they buy their own goodies.)

Anyhow, we are farmers, rugged country folks. Cell phone! Hah, not us, we communicate in yup/nope New England style.
None of this modern constant contact for us. And even though I had enough quarters to call Alaska from the pay phone and talk for an hour, there was nobody home to answer anyhow.So of course, when my youngest child, a doesn't-know-his-own-strength pre-teen decided to shove the sliding door of the minivan open with his feet, it fell off, right there in the Walmart parking lot.

A minivan door is surprisingly large.

It also has surprisingly little holding it in place. Typically of the city, not a soul even looked at us, let alone offered to help.

Not to be daunted by a mere hole in the car, the kids picked up the door, stuck it back in the great, big, gaping opening in the side of the car, locked it and we hurried into Wally World to acquire the Tide, Clorox, colorful fabric, staples and staple gun etc. etc. etc. that they needed. Dozens of dollars later we stood beside the car again, faced with the prospect of driving home with a door that was just sort of leaning on the side of the car, held in place only by the lock. Of course it wouldn't fit inside. (Especially not with three kids and all the cow show stuff.) I really didn't want to leave it lying there like a really large piece of litter and drive home with the whole side of the car open.

What to do, what to do...of course, the van was a typical mother-car filled with all the stuff that kids leave behind, McDonald's wrappers, smelly sneakers, books, you name it. It was also a farmer-car, so there were tools, tractor parts, baling twine and many mysterious objects of unknown origin or use inside it too. There were also several ropes that we used to tie the dogs at camp. After all, show season comes right after camp season and who has time to clean the car? The Border Collies and like to herd water so we never let them into the lake without long ropes attached. Otherwise they would just swim away.

We wrapped the dog ropes around the whole car and through the windows of the door. The end result was that we had to climb in through the back, as we had to tie the front doors shut to hold the sliding door in place. We also locked it and proceeded home, successfully managing to negotiate the ten mile trip without a single casualty. (I think that was the year Lizzie won grand champion with her old cow, Dixie, so I guess it was probably even worth it. It was also the year we locked both sets of keys and all the show halters in the car on show day, but that is another story.)

Sadly, we never found a mechanic that could fix the darned door, so we drove it with the door fastened closed and unopenable for a number of years, before (finally) this spring we bought a car with doors that all work. The kids are having a hard time getting used to not having to crawl over the front seat to get in though.

THE BRA

by Omegamom
...in the early days after the dotter came home, I remember juggling her and my clothes in the bathroom (she was at a stage where I had to have her in my arms or on my lap all the time), I managed, rather than putting my bra on, to dip it in the toilet...the memory is very hazy, all I remember is that when I emailed the story to my gals at work, they all laughed and said, "You're a mommy now!"

CURRY

by Lorena from Live from Sublurbia
The things they don't put in baby books could ... fill a book.

Sometimes I wonder about baby books.

Why don't they tell you not to rub the baby down with a little curry powder?

So, as some of you may have heard, I had a fun morning. 11am I get a call from daycare that Wolfie has a red rash all over his tummy and backside and diaper area that came seemingly out of nowhere. I call the hub to consult, as he changed the diaper this morning. Wolfie had some rash in the diaper area, but not all over, this morning.

I head over there, and yeah, he's got a major rash in an odd pattern ... his tummy and backside and diaper area ... but not his upper chest. A couple of spots on his legs and arms. That's it.

I rushed him to the ped (after managing to lock him in the car and get him out with the help of fire rescue and a handy tile guy) after some snacking and snoozing and she helped me track it down.

He had oatmeal at 7pm last night, and we had curry and cauliflower for dinner. The only thing 'new'.

The culprit? The curry. Both the and I had cooked up the curried beef and been exposed to curry particles ... though we'd washed our hands ... we hadn't changed our shirts. No wonder cooks wear aprons.

So, I got him naked and the hub bathed him ... and he got all kinds of curry powder on his poor little skin. Some Benadryl and he should be fine in a few days.

Note to self: if I ever write a baby book, note in big letters:
Do not rub the baby down with curry powder

ART APPRECIATION

by lizinsac
My husband and I consider ourselves pretty hip and have always tried to expose our son, Spencer, to music, art, etc. We took him to San Francisco when he was about 4 and one of our stops was SFMOMA, where they had a Magritte exhibit. 

Spencer took quite an interest in the surrealistic images and I was busy congratulating myself on having such a precocious kid. What I didn't realize was that he was leaning closer and closer to study one of these priceless paintings when he lost his balance. His head thunked solidly into the middle of the painting and there were gasps of horror from the other people in the room. I had one of those out-of-body moments of sheer horror as I jerked him away, imagining a nice head-shaped hole in the canvas. There didn't seem to be any damage, though, so I fled as fast as I could, dragging a clueless Spencer behind me.

CLEAN UNDERWEAR

by Chicomathmom
As I was folding the weekly laundry, I noticed that I had only folded 2 pairs of underwear for my son. I gave him a short talk about hygiene and told him that I expected to see more underwear next week.

Next week, there were 12 pairs in the laundry, most of them unworn...

Moral: Be careful what you ask for!

CLOWNING AROUND

by Liz Branch
My youngest son, Colin, was four years old and in preschool.  His younger brother, Quentin was two, and while Colin was a quiet, introspective child, Quentin was a tempest -- always on the go and curious about everything.  At the end of the preschool year, Colin's teacher planned a picnic outing for the class at a nearby park.  She casually asked me one day if I knew of anyone who might be interested in dressing up like a clown for the entertainment.  Being the enthusiastic mom that I was, and usually up for just about anything where my kids were concerned, I gamely volunteered.

I had an old Halloween costume in a closet somewhere, complete with red ball nose and enormous clown shoes.  The morning of the picnic, I spent an hour working on my makeup, which was a masterpiece!  White face paint, black outlined eyes, red exaggerated mouth.  And the finishing touch: a huge kinky rainbow-colored wig!  I was a dynamite clown!  I loaded up the car with our picnic basket, and stowed the kids in their car seats.  Off we went.

It was a beautiful day; the park was on the banks of a lake, and the sun was dancing on the water.  A soft breeze wafted around the picnic area.  In spite of being in the heart of Deep South Mississippi, it was a surprisingly pleasant day.  As I walked towards the already assembled group, some of the kids spotted me and ran towards me.  I was in character, laughing and telling jokes and talking to the children as they clambored around me.  Some were asking who I "really" was, but I said, "I am really Clara the Clown!"

Colin & Quentin ran off to check out the swings.  I was concentrating on my clown duties, when suddenly a child ran up to me with an anxious look on his face.  "Quentin fell off the swing!"  Oh dear, I thought, turning in that direction.  "...and he's bleeding a LOT!"  Adrenalin kicked in and I rushed over to my screaming child.  He had fallen backwards off the swing and landed on a strategically placed sharp rock.  I swooped him up and took him to one of the picnic tables, where another mom, who happened to be a nurse, examined him.  There was a huge gash in the back of Quentin's head, with gaping edges. 

Every mom on the planet knows what gaping edges means.  She said, "He'll need stitches." 

My heart fell down to somewhere around my knees.  "Stitches?  Are you SURE?  No, really?"  and she nodded, trying to stifle a giggle.  I suddenly remembered my appearance, and the prospect of taking Quentin to a hospital for sitches in my current state of dress became a reality.

Game mom that I was, I thought, oh well, the doctors will get a kick out of this one!  And into the car we went.  A quick phone call to my husband, to meet us at the doctor's office, and off we went.  I thought, "I can do this.  This is funny!  What a great story ..." trying to convince myself, while Quentin wailed from the back seat.  However as we got closer I got a sick feeling in my gut that wouldn't go away.  I was embarassed and sweating.  We arrived at the office, where I took a deep breath and opened the door.  Every face in the waiting room turned in unison to watch our grand entrance.  I could hear a few snickers and several kids yelled, "Mommy look!  A clown!" a little  louder than they really needed to.  All of the nurses were giggling at me, and what could I do?  I just shrugged and wished that the floor would open up and swallow me.

Walking into the exam room, the doctor raised an eyebrow.  "Well, we'll just have to put you to work here!" he said, then proceeded to stitch up poor Quentin's head.  All was well that ended well, but I swore up and down that my volunteering days were way over.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

by AprilMay
"I need to talk to you two," I said nervously, wringing my hands. My boys exchanged looks. They could tell I was serious about something. They sat down. I had been putting off this conversation for three months, but it was time to tell them.

I paced in front of them. "Look," I began. "There's, um, I mean, you should know that..." I took a deep breath. "I'mgoingtohaveababy."

They stared at me. I reached blindly for a bottle of beer, but my hand came back with a bottle of water, because I am not allowed to have beer. I took a swig anyway. I cleared my throat.

"So, um, did you hear me?" I asked. Trenton looked away. Tristan stood up.

"MOM!" he said. "Why are you and Dad still doing THAT?!"

I choked on my water. I turned red. He stood with his hands on his hips, waiting for an answer.

"Um." I said. "Well. You see, when two people are married, they do THAT. Because THAT is, well..." I paused and wished for a beer again. "THAT is something fun that married people do. Sometimes."

Trenton looked up. "When, exactly, did you DO that?" he asked. "I mean, which day?"

I wished I was far away. I wished an earthquake would swallow up our house.

"See, honey" I stammered. "I don't know which day exactly."

"You mean you did THAT more than once?" Tristan asked, horrified.

I hung my head. "Yes" I muttered.

"They do it when we are ASLEEP, dummy" said Trenton. Tristan poked him. Trenton poked him back. They shoved each other, and began to wrestle on the floor.

I stood there, looking at them. I realized that, come September, I will have a 15 year old, a 12 year old, and a newborn. I started to get a headache.

Trenton shoved his brother off him and stood up. He looked me in the eye. "Mom," he said seriously. "You really should have used birth control."

I gaped at him. I wanted to tell him we WERE using birth control. I wanted to tell him that I was not even supposed to be able to get pregnant. I wanted to go back to pretending like my boys knew nothing about us having actual sex. But we were past that point now. There was only one thing left to do.

"C'mon," I said. "Get your baseball stuff. It's time to go to practice."

Pretend like the conversation never happened. It was the only way to preserve my sanity.

(Miss C’s note: the doctor says AprilMay will have another boy! Follow her story on her blog.)

Funny in Any Language

Thought for today: You know you've lost control when you're the one who goes to your room. -Baba Bell Hajdusiewicz

humor video funny parenthood stress Living the Dream children kids family

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When the Peace Corps described its program as “The toughest job you’ll ever love”, moms everywhere said “no, that’s parenting.” It is a tough job, and just as soon as you think it may get easier, it changes into something you’re completely unprepared for. No downtime, no option to quit, no vacation, and no pay. And its often a life-or-death responsibility. But we still jump into it with both feet, over and over.

“Living the Dream” t-shirts are designed and sold by LTDchix, two moms with seven young kids between them. These t-shirts depict a somewhat frazzled mom who manages to keep a smile on her face during all the different tasks of a mom's daily life -- whether she is a stay-at-home mom or balancing the responsibilities of office and home. They have graciously offered t-shirts for me to give away in a contest. So, who’s the most frazzled mom out there? Jot down a story about the most stressed-out moment you’ve had as a parent. The two funniest stories will win a “Living the Dream” t-shirt! I’ll publish the best entrys, maybe even all of them! You can leave a story in the comments (please enter a valid email address), or email them to me at radiofox@gmail.com by midnight Wednesday, May 30th. I’ll announce the winners in the next couple of days after that. And I’m not excluding dads; you can enter too, just as long as you’re aware that the prize is a mommy t-shirt. UPDATE: The results of this contest and some great stories, are posted here.



Single Mom Stress Relief

True Mom Confessions. Because motherhood s hard. You can leave your confession there, or leave a “me, too” for the confessions others have left.

Basic stress tips for new moms.

Rugrat Repreive.

Stress Relief Paintball. Shoot those smiley faces!

The Woman’s Anti-Stress Diet.

An online stress buster you can send as an ecard.

If you ever feel like squeezing someone’s head off, try Dubya and Dick.

The famous Dolphin Stress Test. 

by Roy at Shrink Rap
How would a psychiatrist manage someone who could only communicate via emoticons? Below are the resulting progress notes...

:-)    stable. cont prozac 40mg. f/u 3 mos.

:-))    reduce prozac to 20mg. f/u 1mo.

:-))))    d/c prozac. add lithium 300 tid. check TSH, creat. f/u 1wk.

:-D    add depakote. check lithium level, LFTs, CBC. f/u 1wk.

:-|    stable. cont prozac 40 mg. f/u 1mo.

:-(    increase prozac to 60mg. f/u 2wk.

:'-(    add wellbutrin SR 150mg. f/u 1wk.

X-(    call 911. send to ER. check for OD.

:*}    check breathalyzer. refer to AA.

%-}    weekly tox screen. refer to AA/NA.

:-&@?    add haldol 2mg bid.

|-0    d/c ambien.

:-#    d/c elavil. use hard candies.

;-P    d/c haldol. add clozapine. AIMS exam. vitamin E 800 iu bid.

:-)~    reduce haldol. add cogentin to reduce sialorrhea.

8-~    reduce dose of seroquel.

(:-)    reduce depakote. add zinc, selenium.

;-)    establish boundaries. do not schedule at end of day.

;-x    see with chaperone only.

=^..^=    give Ativan 1mg IV to relieve catatonia. (thanks, ClinkShrink)

:-o    (on seeing the bill for 1st appt.)

>:-O    (on seeing the bill for missed appt.)

Its All Relative

Last week a friend of mine went to a seminar called *Stress and Disease by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology.

He gave an example of a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, ‘I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.’

Thought for today: Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

humor jokes video funny games stress contest t-shirt motherhood job

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Is it a sin to tell a lie? Some say yes, others say not always. And that’s just the Christians; there are philosophies all over the spectrum.  The truth (haha) is that everyone lies. A lot of lying makes no difference in the grand scheme of things. A white lie is designed to spare someone’s feelings. Its better to lie about having to visit Grandma than to truthfully admit you don’t want to go to your classmate’s stupid party. There’s no good to come of telling a co-worker her new hair color honestly sucks.

Maybe the real judgement on lying is who gets hurt by a lie. Bill Clinton (and you knew this would come up) lied when he said “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” And it hurt one person. Monica Lewinsky’s feelings were really hurt by that. It was a lie, but not quite on par with, say, creative auditing that embezzled millions of dollars and ruined the pensions of thousands of low-level employees. Or manipulating facts to justify a pre-emptive war. I’m just sayin’.

People for the Advancement of White Lies is a marketing site for the new Richard Gere Movie, The Hoax. You remember Clifford Irving, who wrote Howard Hugh’s fake biography, don’t you? Gere plays him in the movie version. (Thanks, Chris!)

The Master of the Tall Tale: Baron Von Münchhausen.

The Master of the Hoax: P.T.Barnum.

Liar, Liar! Jules wrote about the men she meets. Here’s part one and part two.

How to tell when someone is lying to you. (via Look At This)

Ten Lies about Iraq.

Enough white lies to ice a wedding cake! Who is the best liar here?

Rodney Carrington tells it like it is. (via File It Under)

THE CONTEST

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

THE THIMBLE

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" 

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in
making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you   crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Johnny Depp.

"Is this your  husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord  was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh,  forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had  said 'no' to Johnny Depp, you would have come up with George Clooney.  Then  if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.  Had I then  said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.  Lord, I'm not in  the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,  so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Johnny Depp."

And so the Lord let her keep  him.

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a  good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our  story, and we're sticking to it.

(Well, what would YOU have done?)

HEAVEN’S CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,"said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Girls Lie, Too -Terry Clark

Thought for today: A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

humor jokes video funny games lies untruth prevarication perjury lying

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My advice to young people: carpentry, electrical, and plumbing. Learn them. Those are things anyone can do, but few can do well. Those who do it well can make a ton of money and will never be out of work. There’s a dearth of competent tradespeople in my area, so getting a competent plumber to the house is a chore. The good ones are terribly busy, and the others make enough money so that they don’t really need your piddly little job, so they may show up or not. After much trial and error over the years, I’ve found a partnership of plumbers who know what they are doing, show up when they say, and who charge me less than they could. Together, that’s a rare and wonderful thing.

Peter tried to do his own plumbing once, and just about killed himself.

In the game Down the Drain, you must draw a path for the drop of water to find its way through. Fascinating when you get to the higher levels! (via Dump Trumpet)

Make this guy sing in the shower with Shower Song. He’s not bad! (via b3ta)

The Shower Test. I always wash my hair first.

He had all the right parts, he just lost the assembly instructions.

 

SONS

A proud father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons. His friend asked what they did for a living. The father said the older two are doctors and the youngest two are lawyers. The friend asked about the middle son and the father said, "Oh, he's a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the others educations."

He’s the Plumber

Josephine the plumber.

Famous plumbers.

And now a word from our sponsor, Plumber’s Butt Caulk.

In the game Plumber’s Butt the object is to give a long-tail T-shirt to each plumber. In a hurry!

MENS ROOM

(via Bits and Pieces)
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone  had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"

THE PROFESSOR

(via Joanne Jacobs)
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

“This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you only got through seventh grade. They don’t like educated people.”

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and h