Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?  
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

(Thanks, Phil!) 

See Also: Diet, Diet Management, Diet Tips, and Dieting.

Calorie Lab's Fattest States rankings for 2008 is out, and Mississippi is number one for the third year in a row.

West Virginia passed Alabama to become the second fattest state in 2008. The four states of Mississippi, West Virginia, Alabama, and Louisiana have obese populations that exceed 30 percent over a three-year average and two-thirds of the citizens of Mississippi and West Virginia were either overweight or obese by CDC standards in 2007.

Kentucky made the top ten. Hey, maybe if I relocated, I'd be skinny!

(Thanks, Jan!)

You may be saying, "Miss Cellania, how could you be so cruel as to post about DIETING so soon after Christmas!" But we are all in the same boat (with lots of ballast). Yours truly is as guilty as the next person of overindulging in holiday treats. Too much gravy, too many chocolate-covered cherries, and a few eggnog toasts will broaden your horizons, so to speak. And don't you want to fit into that fancy dress for New Years? Fat chance! But we gotta start somewhere. Bikini season is only 6 months away!

Running Machine

HOW IT ALL STARTED
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

Quiz: What kind of donut are you? (via Geek Like Me)

What Kind Of Donut Are You! Powdered Donut Filled with blueberry, cherry, or lemon jelly, or just plain. Did you use to wet your lips and pretend you had powdered lipstick when you were little? Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

 
Nobody said it would be easy. But take a look at the alternative!

The Doctor Hate Diet is for those who want to harness the Dark Side of the Force for weight control.

The Hacker's Diet for geeks who might understand it.

This cartoon will help you learn to use a conveyor belt exercise machine.

Here's some diet tips you can really relate to.

Some folks can't see the need for a diet.

JOE'S DIETING JOKES

Did you say you lost 10 pounds? Turn around I think I found it.

I was on the South Beach diet and it just was not enough food for me, so I got on the Adkins diet. I feel good now, of course I never got off of the first diet. Two diets seem to be plenty for me.

I finally found a new diet that I can stick to. You just don't eat between snacks.

Is this thing on??...Hello... Can you hear me?

DIET TIPS

# If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
# If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
# When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
# Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy, Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.
# Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.
# Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
# If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
# If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
# Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
# STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Thought for today: A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

This post originally appeared on December 27th, 2005.

humor links diet weight loss

Have you been on the scales since Thanksgiving? No? Then you’re like me, you don’t want to face bad news. Turkey, dressing, gravy, potatoes, and pie will conspire against you every time. And even worse is that we are going into the Christmas season, with banquets, feasts, and parties full of cookies, candy, treats made with cream cheese, alcohol, and eggnog. It’s tradition! We eat fat-laden food in winter because we don’t have fresh garden produce and a layer of fat keeps us warmer in the winter. Of course, that logic went out with central heat and imported food, but we keep up the tradition because we can always slap a sweater on top to hide the new seasonal rolls... and I’m not talking about dinner rolls!

Dieting is Hard!

A “skinny gene” may explain why you don’t have skinny jeans.

Illustrated BMI Categories, an art project to show you what the classifications underweight, normal, overweight, obese, and morbidly obese look like on real people. I learned a lot about the Body Mass Index just by people’s reactions to this.

The Cat Miracle Diet.

The Twenty Worst Foods in America. For your health.

The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight

10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day, there's no time to exercise!

9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.

8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.

7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.

6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.

5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.

4. Part of our country's defense strategy: Asses too large to be kicked.

3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of Ben & Jerry's in 'em.

2. One word: Sprinkles 

... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"

SWIMSUIT

(via Phil’s Phun)
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

THE STRANGER

(Thanks, Rich!)

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly, for no discernible reason, he confided in me that he  "Hadn't seen his 'thing' in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger,  and not knowing what to say and wanting to be helpful, I said,

"Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? WHAT COLOR IS IT NOW?"

Previously at Miss Cellania: More posts on Dieting.

Thought for today: Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. -Jim Davis

humor jokes video funny games diet weight fat overweight obese

A recent study showed that Americans are no longer the tallest people (on average) in the world. But we are still growing... it’s just out instead of up. The “battle of the bulge” is something most of us deal with at one time or another in our lives. I’m struggling with weight, too. I got so tired of the bad vibes I got from my scales that I threw them out. The mirror is bad enough! Seriously, there are some things we should do to help bring the obesity rate down, like getting serious with school lunches, advertising targeted to children, sports and recreational opportunities, and designing neighborhoods for walking instead of driving. But meanwhile, let's have a little entertainment about our shared predicament.

 
Friends of the Earth (Thanks, Peter!)

Fat Man’s website. (via Grow-A-Brain)

My boss thinks he breaks all these chairs because he’s fat. (via Gorilla Mask)

How fat is your country? ‘Cause mine is FAT!

Topless Car Wash (via Look at This)

Billy Connolly has advice for losing weight.

Check out these ads for lowfat yogurt. They only run in Brazil, ‘cause they wouldn’t go over well here in the land of fat. (via YesButNoButYes)

The truth about the new weight-loss pill, and its side effects. In plain language. (via Look at This)

CONVERSATIONS

Diet advisor: Did you say you're a light eater? You must weigh over 300 pounds!
Overweight man: That's right. As soon as it's light, I start eating.

***

Wife to overweight husband: Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?
Husband: I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece.

REMINDER

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman."Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

 

COMICS 

(click to enlarge) 

 

 

 

 

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet, Diet Management, and Diet Tips.

Thought for today: I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

humor jokes video funny fat obese ovderweight diet

Stumble this! 

Every morning, I have every intention of starting a serious diet. My best-laid plans become derailed by circumstances (and yes, my lack of willpower). The kids get ready for school early enough to earn breakfast at the drive-through, where I have tons of coupons for half-price bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. Then I remember we are out of milk, so I run by the grocery, where they have a huge display of half-price donuts right by the checkout. Then I continue my blogging job and run across something very funny about Easter baskets, which reminds me of the leftover chocolate in my desk drawer. Mom calls and asks if I liked the cake she sent home after dinner the other day. After school, Princess is ravenous, so she makes macaroni and cheese, which is more than enough for one kid...  you see? I can’t win!

 
Dancing Office Worker (via Arbroath)

A not-so-entertaining male dance can be seen at Arbroath.

Now I've seen everything. Deep Fried Balls of Butter.

Celebrity diets gone too far. Don’t panic, these are Photoshopped. (via the Presurfer)

Or, celebrity diets gone the other direction.

More celebrities as fat people.

Ideal Weight Calculator.

I love my big ole butt!

If you doubt the power of exercise, take a look at what four years of training can do. The first six months did wonders, but I also really admire this guy's persistance over the years!

THE RELATIONSHIP

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Suck It In (via Bits and Pieces)

This is when I knew I needed to think about dieting.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet, Diet Tips, and Does My Butt Look Big in This?

Thought for today: I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.  -Tommy Cooper

PS Since it's Friday the 13th, you might also want to check out my post on Friday the 13th. 

humor jokes video funny games diet fat weight loss

Stumble this! 

The Battle of the Bulge is an ongoing thing for me, and for most American women my age (don’t ask). I haven’t been walking during school vacation, since its so hard to get these kids in gear for anything, but come Wednesday, its back to two-miles a day! I tried to tell myself that pushing a lawnmower was equivalent, but it really doesn’t work out that way, being as my mower was in the repair shop a good part of the summer. But that's neither here nor there. Our dieting efforts are always good for a laugh or two!

Top Ten Ways to Know You're Too Fat
(Lifted from Wulfweard)

10. When you get to the bottom of a stairway, your tummy takes one more step.
9. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
8. You put mayonnaise on aspirin.
7. Your blood type is Ragu.
6. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
5. You ran away from home and they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton for your picture.
4. You could sell shade.
3. Your driver's license says, 'Picture continued on other side.'
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

Diet tip from the Fat Fairy.

I tried to diet, but the Fat Came Back!

Height/weight chart featuring real people. This is real, realistic, and pretty damn cool.

The Beer Diet. Which can lead to Manboobs.

Now we pause for a word from our sponsor.

Diet song: To All the Carbs I’ve Loved Before.

Calories burned during sex. (via Bonanza Jellybean)

The best thing would be to find a man who loves fat women.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray

What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!

DIET BUDDIES

Rosey and Nina were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Great," Rosey replied. "I'll ride with you to Burger King."

FAT SEX

A rather large gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly wondered how they had managed to conceive.

One evening at the bar a friend of Paul's got up the nerve to ask him, how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being as large as they are.

To this Paul replied:

"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"

DIET GALLERY

(click to enlarge) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Previously on Miss Cellania: Diet  and Does My Butt Look Big In This?

Thought for today: A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

humor links video funny games diet fat weight loss overweight obese Save To Del.icio.us

Its the worst thing that can happen to a woman, and it happens to most of us. We put on fat. Its an evolutionary mechanism to ensure survival, for us and our babies. And its so easy! A man can guzzle beer all day, then polish of a Porterhouse steak and never gain an ounce. But a woman will glance at a Hershey�s kiss and balloon up big time. It also causes all kinds of problems for those of us who have self-esteem issues (which is a LOT of us). You�d think we�d learn not to ask the question, but we still do. My eight-year-old daughter asked me if her butt looked fat. She�s the most beautiful thing God ever created, and she�s already worried about her butt.

Now, if we could only be like the mammoths in the movie Ice Age 2, which I saw over the weekend. I don�t have access to a script, but as best as I can recall, here�s the approximate dialog:


SHE: What about me is attractive to you?

HE: Well, um, (thinking) your butt.

SHE: My butt?!

HE: Your butt, its ... big.

SHE: Oh! Thank you! Thats such a nice thing to say!

HE: Yeah, its real big! The biggest one I�ve ever seen!

SHE: You are so sweet!


Six ways to tell her she�s fat. Just reading this hurts. Guys, we know when we are fat. Telling us will not help. When your preference becomes our obsession, the results are daughters with eating disorders.

Does My Ass Look Fat in These Pants? is a blog dedicated to judging submitted backsides.









FTS on �Do I look fat in these jeans?�

Answering the question can be so difficult, there�s even a book about it. Or two.

There are lots of possible answers, none of them right.

Its a popular forum topic.

I found a bit of advice on how men should answer this and other questions.

Here's a classic case, with the honesty every woman dreads!
UK researchers study how clothing affects the look of the female derri�re.

BARBEQUE GRILL

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

**********

If you�re ready to just give up, go with the Mom Jeans. A skit from SNL.

Yeah, I found a game to go with this subject, Fat Man. No special skills needed, but its funny/strange.

Get the T-shirt.

BUTT GALLERY
I did a Google image search for "butt look big" and found the awfulest bunch of pictures, of all kinds of things, all with the caption "Does this (car, job, boyfriend, dress, etc) make my butt look big?" Here are just a few of the more pertinent ones.

Thought for today: Since food has replaced sex in my life, I can�t even get into my own pants!

humor jokes video funny games fat butt jeans ass pants