With a surprise ending. (via Arbroath)

The Dog's Diary

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!

7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

The Cat's Diary

Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant because it speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It's only a matter of time

A new song from Joel Veitch explains what the moon is made of. Meat from gooses feet. I guess "geese" didn't lend itself to the proper rhythm. (via b3ta)

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "For pete's sake, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

See also:  Insects and Bugs and Bugs and Insects.

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.

Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

“What happened?” the man asks. “You were in there for hours and yet you’re not only alive but you’re sweating like crazy?”

The cockatiel pants, “Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?”

(Thanks, Rich!)

A Peruvian Rescue and rehabilitation team trains sea lions to reentry into the wild using unique methods. This video shows the astonishing bond that can develop between man and animal.
From BlueVoice.org, an organization dedicated to saving whales and dolphins co-founded by Ted Danson. (via Arbroath)

A guy walks into a pool hall with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey is busy running all over the place and getting into everything.

Pretty soon, the bartender says to the guy, " Did you see what your monkey just did? He got into the fruit tray and ate up half of the fruit!"

"Oh, yeah", says the guy, " he's crazy and he'll eat anything. Just put it on my tab and I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later the bartender comes up to the guy and says, " Did you see what your monkey did this time? He jumped up on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball!"

"I told you he's crazy and he'll eat anything", says the guy, "just put it on my tab."

Pretty soon the guy finishes his drinks, pays the tab, picks up the monkey and leaves.

About a week later, in comes the guy with his monkey again and orders a drink. The monkey again starts getting into everything.

After a few minutes the bartender says to the guy, " Did you see that? Your monkey just took a cherry out of the fruit tray, stuck it in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah", says the guy, "he's still crazy and he'll eat anything, but now he measures first!"

(Thanks, Duke!)

See also: Apes and Monkeys,  Monkey Business, and Monkeys and Apes.

Fat ones, that is.

(via Arbroath)

(via Fark)

Yeah, I'll put up with your advances, but only to a certain point. We all have our personal boundaries. (via Arbroath)

Dopey the hamster has her own private elevator made of Legos! Watch her use it to get to her sleeping quarters, although it takes her a few tries. (via Boing Boing)

What an experience! Too bad he won't be able to tell all the guys back at the river. (via Bits and Pieces)

The Manakin does an amazing mating dance. To see it, researchers shot high-speed film and slowed it down for our pleasure. Kimberly Bostwick explains. Read more on manakins and Bostwick's research at PBS.

This is just silly, but it made me smile. (via Arbroath)