A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

(via Bits and Pieces)

See also: Blonde Geography, Blondes, and The Blonde Leading the Blonde.

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Now, that's advertising! (Thanks, Rich!)

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.   

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new."  

"So how is it I make only 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...   

"Try doing it with the engine running."

(Thanks, Duke!)

See also: More jokes on Anatomy and Medicine.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

No, not that ER. A real one. Which means they are too gross for primetime TV. I doubt Lifetime would even air this back when it was Lifetime Medical TV.

A morbidly obese man with a large abdominal pannus (image at right) came in exhibiting red, irritated skin around the abdomen. It looked like a routine skin infection. But what was the cause? During the exam, I lifted the pannus and a turkey sandwich fell from between his folds. The man said it was about a month old, which the smell confirmed.

That's just the first story. I decided to pass on the "image at right" so you can make your own decision whether to look or not.

 

 

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation. Click here.

(Thanks, Eva!)

See also: Stress

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."

(via It Occurred to Me)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Eyes

For those of you too young to remember this, you are in for a treat. Those of you of a certain age will laugh before the punch lines.

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dentist, Dental Work, and Teeth. 

 (via Wulfweard the White)

(via Everlasting Blort)

 A deer hunter was out enjoying a nice day out in the woods when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor, who said, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buck shot."

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your manly part I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly. he's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye"

(via Phil’s Phun)

I have what some call "East Kentucky Chalk Teeth". When your teeth are hereditarily built this way, you can brush six times a day, floss, avoid sweets, use fluoride, and see a dentist regularly, and they will still fall apart. So I have extensive dental work collected over quite a few decades. I technically have all my teeth, but every one is filled, repaired, capped, or crowned in some manner.

When I moved back to Kentucky after many years away, I tried more than one dentist. They all had the same technique. "You have a cavity. Ya want me to pull that tooth?" I was shocked, but most folks here would just have the tooth pulled. Its much cheaper than repairing it. My current dentist has my loyalty because 1) he wants to try and save each tooth, and b) he lets me have all the laughing gas I require. He charges an arm and a leg, but I still have all my teeth! (at least technically)

DIAGNOSIS
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on..."


Investigating the Tooth Fairy.

If your name was Toothaker, wouldn't you feel pressured to go to dental school?

Lucy's recent dental experience.



EATING
A man went to his dentist because his mouth felt funny. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious. Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

To which the dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

The Dentist number from Little Shop of Horrors.

THE REUNION
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
"Surely I can't look that old?" Read on:

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a
tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush
on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm...or could he????

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes, yes, I did! I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1969. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?" (Thanks, Linda!)

Previously at Miss Cellania: Dental Work and Teeth

Thought for today: Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill. -Johnny Carson

This post first appeared on April 5, 2006.

humor dentist video funny teeth jokes toothache

This is the place where I try to put some personal anecdote about the topic of the day, but I’m a bit dry on that supply for medical stuff. See, I haven’t been to a doctor in several years, and certainly not since I lost my health insurance along with my last punch-the-clock job. Self-employed people just can’t afford that kind of luxury. I know that lowers my chances of meeting an unmarried doctor, but an office call never was a great strategy for that. You’d come across as either unhealthy or hypochondriac. I have plenty of relatives with funny doctor stories, but that would violate blogger-family member confidentiality rules. As if there were such a thing.



I’m a Doctor, Not a....

A Hypochondriac's Twitter Chain.

Gynecologists say the darndest things.

Medical Confessions. Five doctors spill the beans about annoying patients, malpractice, how much they drink, and more. (via Dark Roasted Blend)

A 16th century Japanese medical text included illustrations of the mythical creatures that cause disease when they invade the body. Although the basic concept proved to be true, bacteria and viruses were not visible at the time. The fanciful depictions and descriptions are a hoot, considering what we know now! (via Everlasting Blort)

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?"
Nurse: "No change yet. "

Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor?"Patient: "No, just spots."

The Physical

(via Fark)
So this fella goes into the doctor's office for his annual physical. The doctor comes in, looks at him for a moment, and says,

"You need to stop masturbating".

"Why?"

"So I can do the exam."

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.    

Penis Problem

(via Phil’s Phun)
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

Anaesthetists Hymn by Amateur Transplants

Previously at Miss Cellania: Doctor, Medical Practice, Medicine, Health Insurance, and Bad Medicine.

Thought for today: When the x-ray specialist married one of his patients, everybody wondered what he saw in her.

humor jokes video funny games medicine doctor nurse hospital medical

 

You might look at plastic surgery as the ultimate in vanity, but it is not always so. I’ve often said I’d just as soon avoid surgery that wasn’t medically necessary. But sometimes it’s hard to define what “necessary” really means. The “Father of Plastic Surgery”, Sir Harold Gillies developed techniques of transplanting and shaping skin in order to help seriously wounded soldiers. Plastic surgery helped some of them to show their faces in public, which is not medically necessary, but has a lot to do with the quality of life. How about breast implants? A lot of women have them not to have bigger boobs, but to have boobs at all after mastectomies. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same thing. Actor212 recently had a cancer removed that left a hole in his nose. He had it repaired by surgery which transplanted tissue from his leg and ear. And my daughter has braces to repair a severe underbite. They might work, or she may need surgery later to correct the jaw. Not strictly medically necessary, but we might pursue it, although it will be ultimately her decision. But of course there are tons of people who think plastic surgery is a quick fix for natural imperfections; at least enough to get some jokes out of!

Butt Implants Gone Wrong

Young women with perfect breasts are getting augmentations because they are used to seeing falsies in the media.

Plastic surgery gone wrong: Orit Fox.

The story of Jocelyn Wildenstein, told by a plastic surgeon in three parts.

Scariest Celebrity Faces. (via J-Walk Blog)

This guy got breast implants for his tattoo!

A plastic surgeon wrote a children’s book to explain “My Beautiful Mommy”.

People often regret having plastic surgery. So what do they do? They have more plastic surgery!

What would these celebrities look like if they had plastic surgery? (via My 2 Second Shelf Life)

RECONSTRUCTION

It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, Sean smashed his face into the windshield. In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but the cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back, ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for reattachment.

At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed Sean wasn't circumcised. The thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket!

Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended. But the TRUE measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it LOOK? It's not *quite* perfect, doctors say -- while it works perfectly, Sean will forever be a little cockeyed.

PLASTIC SURGERY

(Thanks, Whitesnake!)
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.  Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.  "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.  He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Previously at Miss Cellania: Plastic Surgery, Bodymods, Beauty, and Real Beauty.

Thought for today: I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. -Joan Rivers

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