Entries by Miss Cellania (1627)
Twins
A man married a woman who had an identical twin, but less than a year later he was in court, filing for a divorce.The judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, Your Honor," the man said, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife look so similar, I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there's a difference," the man said. "That's why I want a divorce."
(Thanks, Rich!)
Conjoined Twins
A guy starts talking to two blondes in a bar. They turn out to be conjoined twins, connected at the hip, and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone!"
So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee ... do you think he'll remember us?"
(via It Occurred to Me)
Pictured are Abigail and Brittany Hensel.
Three Men in a Tub
Isn't this how you always pictured the nursery rhyme?
Posted on Thursday, 08.21.08 @ 06:01PM
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Miss Cellania
in Things we don't talk about
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Miss Cellania
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Link Dump
8 Best Music Videos Made By Bored US Soldiers In Iraq. (via Unique Daily)Finding a balance between capitalism and community.
Five Hoaxes that Fooled the World. Some were done for profit, some for kicks, and one just to bring one guy down a notch.
In the game Orbitrunner, you are the sun. You must use your gravity to keep the planets in line, or else they'll escape orbit or collide. But it's fun to collide.
According to guidelines by the Bush administration, nothing John McCain went through in Vietnam is defined as torture.
Does anyone know what "you'll never see a dead cat in a tree" would be in Latin? (via Grow-A-Brain)
The Lease Agreement
A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a prostitute of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.
On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:
Dear Madam:
"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...
1. It had never been occupied
2. There was plenty of heat
3. It was small
Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:
"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."
(via It Occurred to Me)
See also: Prostitution
Posted on Thursday, 08.21.08 @ 12:01PM
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Miss Cellania
in Things we don't talk about
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Miss Cellania
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8 Wacky Fall Festivals
Small town Americans love their harvest festivals. My town just finished one, so I’ve satisfied my jones for Polish sausage and funnel cake for another year. Here are eight others you may want to check out in the weeks ahead.There are plenty more, but I found that small town organizers have a tendency to ignore their websites after last year's festival and update them just a few days before the new one. What wacky fall festival is coming in your area?
Disclaimer: I wrote this.
Furby Gurdy
Link four Furbys together to make a musical instrument! There's even one for sale on eBay. David Cranmer makes custom electronic musical instruments. He's posted step-by-step process for making a Furby Gurdy, with videos, pictures, and audio commentary. (Thanks, Moodindigo!)
Olympic Moment #19 (Swimming)
Michael Phelps beat Milorad Cavic by one thousandth hundredth of a second to win the 100m Butterfly. Here's a look at what happened. (via Cynical-C)
See more Olympic Moments.
Exploding Flies
Today's guest post is by North Carolina sculptor Joel Haas. Go see his delightful works at Joel Haas Studio. Thanks, Joel!I am a gray haired, roundish gentleman, less than three years shy of 60, but I have lived my life in ignorance that dead flies can explode--fly apart, as it were--causing "hazards."
I am not making this up. You can see the photos.
I bought a fly trap today down at Burke Brothers' Hardware (in Raleigh, NC).
It
consists of a large clear plastic globe, the interior of which is
accessible by a funnel. One fills the globe part way with water, mixes
in the "fly bait," turns the trap upright and hangs it in area where
you want to clear out the flies; a kennel perhaps, or a horse barn, or,
in our case, the picnic area on the back deck near the grill.
The
flies are attracted to the scent in the water. They can fly into the
globe but cannot fly out. Eventually, they drown in the bait filled
water, presumably buzzing in fly ecstasy as a bright light calls to
them soothingly, "fly towards the stink, fly towards the stink."
Now, it is not my intention to ask anybody to explain fly theology; BUT!
The directions included with the fly trap offer these three helpful hints:
1--in areas with hard water, bottled water may be more effective to mix with the fly bait.
2--areas with a lot of flies may require more than one fly trap.
3--and I quote, "Never seal dead flies in a closed container. Doing so may result in a hazardous explosion." The warning is repeated in Spanish on the opposite side of the paper.
My question is, have
I lived my entire life unaware of the dangers of dead flies exploding?!
Has everybody known about this and neglected to tell me?
Are these the weapons of mass destruction?!
North Carolina outlaws fireworks, but dead flies exploding are perfectly legal?!
When
I was 19, I worried about my live fly exploding, but that is an
entirely different issue. Now that I'm 57 should I worry about my
dead fly exploding (please God!)
But seriously:
Has
anybody seen a dead fly explode? Is it a potential weapon or a source
of green energy? Has anybody at Ft Detrick "weaponized" the dead flies
yet?
A quick review of the fly trap maker's web site reveals no mention of exploding flies.
It
does tell me "flies prefer landing on curved surfaces." How do they
find this stuff out? Is there a Lou Harris poll of flies?
"Excuse me, Mr. Fly, but if the election were held today, would you vote for Sen. Obama or Sen. McCain?"
"I tell ya, Lou, I'm voting for the one with the least flat spots."
I am further informed that my fly trap is "ineffective against blood sucking flies. Blood sucking flies work on visual cues, not scent."
The
good folks at StarBar Products admit it can be difficult to tell a
blood sucking fly apart from one that's merely attracted to manure.
"But if you see bloody crusts on your dog's nose or ears or if you
observe your animals stomping their feet up and down, it is likely you are
infested with blood sucking flies." Oh great. I should get a dog to
go with my radon detector to feel safe. I suppose it would be useless
to simply skip the dog and listen for a small voice chanting "Fee Fie Fo
Fum,..." Does hanging garlic and crosses up keep the blood sucking
flies away?
It
is hard to imagine the conversation that must have taken place before
the fly trap was put on the market. I imagine the fly trap maker went
to his attorney asking advice....
"Well,
Jeb, ole boy, you've got a heckuva good product here with this fly
trap. Really clears'em out! But, you can't afford to leave yourself
open for the liability if some idiot seals these dead flies up."
"Why's that, lawyer?"
"Why
the exploding fly problem! Any dang blamed fool knows that! You
could be sued and lose everything if some imbecile seals up his dead
flies too tightly and they explode the next morning, blinding him, or
worse. People would think the Unabomber was loose again."
"But
lawyer, there's always going to be somebody who'll seal their dead
flies up too tight! Just like there will always be people who drive
over the speed limit or tear the tags off of mattresses. There's no
way around it."
"That's
right, Jeb, so you have to cover your butt by warning people not to.
That way, the first fingerless, blind victim of being "flyblown," won't
have a leg to stand on. A legal leg anyway."
Either
legal or biological explanations gratefully accepted.
Joel Haas, sculptor
3215 Merriman Ave.
Raleigh, NC 27607 USA
http://joelhaasstories.blogspot.com
PS: The maker is correct in advising you to add the fly bait outside and do wear rubber gloves. I neglected these simple safeguards and our kitchen and my hands have smelled of fly bait for the rest of the afternoon, despite my best efforts. I live in dread of being dry humped to death by a zillion flies misdirected to myself. I have washed my hands several times and I still....wait,wait! what is that buzzing in my ears???!!!
PS: The maker is correct in advising you to add the fly bait outside and do wear rubber gloves. I neglected these simple safeguards and our kitchen and my hands have smelled of fly bait for the rest of the afternoon, despite my best efforts. I live in dread of being dry humped to death by a zillion flies misdirected to myself. I have washed my hands several times and I still....wait,wait! what is that buzzing in my ears???!!!
Supreme Court
Man, I knew we had a tough court, but this is going too far!
The Happy Life
From Belgian animator Bert Dombracht.
Math Olympics
The Maths Olympics with Simon Pampena is touring around Australia through the rest of this week. (via Professor Funk)
Consultation
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sexwith him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her
and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’."
"I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor.
“So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
(via Phil's Phun)
Posted on Wednesday, 08.20.08 @ 12:00PM
by
Miss Cellania
in Anatomy and Medicine
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Miss Cellania
in Anatomy and Medicine
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Meet Emily
Emily was created by Image Metrics, the same company that created the graphics for the game Grand Theft Auto. Read more about it at the Times Online.