Death Warmed Over
Wednesday, 03.28.07 @ 12:04AM 
No, we don’t ever really understand death, at least ‘til we experience it, but children understand even less. Grandma told my very young daughter that she’d get the good china when Grandma died. She shouldn’t have been surprised when Prncess asked several times over the next year when she was going to go ahead and die! She eventually asked me if she could have my china when I died. I replied, “No. You can have it when you have your own home and a china cabinet to put it in. Then you can cook for me.” There, problem solved! I don’t want to be reminded about my own death any more than the next person. But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying links and jokes about the Grim Reaper.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
The Alphabet of Death. Ways to die, from A to Z.
The Dumbest Deaths
in Recorded History.
The 30 Strangest Deaths in History.
List of unusual deaths.
Can you spot the hidden message in this epitaph to the right? (via Scribal Terror)
Book of the Dead: Victorian Post-Mortem Photography. Yeah, it was the custom in those days to photograph the dead.
The reality show America's Next Top Model featured a competition wherein the contestants posed as dead people. Alrighty then.
You might remember the sad and schmaltzy song Honey by Bobby Goldsboro. This video makes it a bit more bearable with a humorous interpretation.
Check out some awesome cemeteries! Yeah, I wrote that article. The pictures on the Merry Cemetery crosses are fascinating. I almost included this one, but Mental Floss might have fired me.
Death, the Last Taboo.
Strange Funeral Rites from Around the World.
How to tell if he’s dead.
THE THREAT
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."
SEX
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?"
She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning ... You don't."
THE SIGNAL
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "OK dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just WHERE do you think he's calling from?"
Previously on Miss Cellania: Death
Thought for today: Science advances, but the death rate remains the same: One per person. (via Old Horsetail Snake)
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Reader Comments (12)
That epitaph blew me away, LOL.
My pop dies before my nanna, and she said, "Well, when I die it will be the first time I will ever be on top", pmsl.
There'd be "Indiana (Wants Me)," "Leader Of The Pack," "Something The Boy Said," "Jeremy"...
Verygood post! You always kill me.
I need to know the whole story... no spinnin' wool, neither!
I won't link to that, mkay? Oh hell, yes I will.
You make my DAY!!!!
During our training, we were given a stack of books to read and/or look through, and one of them was a book of Victorian photography. There was one whole section of mothers holding their dead infants - and it took me several pages before i realized that the children were, in fact, dead.
The society incorporated that concept during one of the weekends, when they dealt with "death in the 19th century". Someone's (imaginary) child "died" from scarlet fever, and the mourning was re-enacted for the visitors. There was a bonfire out back, and everything. Periodically, someone would go out and throw something (like a baby bonnet) on it. They also staged a tug-of-war with the hysterical "mother" over the deceased child's quilt, before also throwing that on the fire, too.
Needless to say, it certainly rattled a few people. (;