No, I’ve never been pregnant. Thank you for asking. Here’s some links and jokes.

One of society’s greatest secrets is the appearance of pregnancy and post-partum bodies. (Thanks, Ed!)

See the pictures at Shape of a Woman.

See lots of pregnant women at The Maternity Gallery.

Watch a pregnant belly grow nine months in 20 seconds in the film Gestation. Let the stretching begin!

One way to determine if you have a healthy baby.

Now why would people object to babies breastfeeding?

Fathers who breastfeed. (Thanks, Bill!)

But don’t expect this idea to go over with most men.

Read what happens when a man tries a breast pump.

What do you see in this picture? Women see a Target store. Men see breasts. I found a post at Daddy Types about the problems a lactating woman can run into, including the new airport security protocols.

A pregnant man? Read about it. (via Neatorama)

Tom and Katie’s silent birth.

What month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant?

Raggedy tells the story of an emergency home birth, with assistance from the 3-year-old big sister!

NO KIDS YET

An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.

CUSTODY

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out. Now tell me, who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"

 QUESTIONS

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A. He/She will start crying. Be more careful!

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

LABOR

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing  with  the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't  feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."  So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is  still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He  tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take  all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The  next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Babies

Thought for today: By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.  ~Phyllis Diller

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