Barbie
Friday, 06.23.06 @ 12:04AM 
Going into the adventure of raising daughters, I had my moments of angst about Barbie. I didn’t want my daughters growing up with the distorted idea of the ideal woman, with the 44 inch breasts and the 18 inch waist. It turns out that Barbie is more of a joke than a role model. Yeah, I tried to keep them from having Barbie dolls at all, but anytime I tried to explain it to the relatives, they would give me a blank stare like I was speaking a different language. Then they would buy two matching blonde Barbies for my kids. I countered by buying non-white Barbies. They gave more. Its an easy gift to select. I bought more ethnic Barbies. Before you know it, you’ve got dozens of Barbies throught the house, all naked, some mutilated. We recently gave away a few dozen, then left the rest on the porch for the neighborhood dogs to play with.
The age at which most girls request Barbie dolls is 3-7 years old. And little girls don’t really think Barbie is an ideal shape. They just want to take her clothes off and twist her head til it pops. Fun! Its a universal activity. I belong to a yahoogroup where one of the possible reasons for inclusion is a history of mutilating Barbies. And we still do it as adults, although we grownups do it by making jokes or taking pictures of Barbie in compromising positions, so to speak.
Finally, there are Barbie dolls I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Nap Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Monty found Barbie-Modo.
Jewelry made out of Barbie parts.
The guys from Zug will do anything for a laugh. Read about John Hargrave’s Barbie adventures, part one, part two, and part three.
And now a word from our sponsor.
Some girls will go so far as to burn their Barbie.
This Barbie video is for adults only. You’ve been warned.
Along the same lines, here's a photo I almost used, then thought more of it. But you can click to see it.
Barbie Dolls for the North Carolina Market
Wake Forest Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Hecht's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a cookie-cutter house. Options include tummy tuck, facelift, greenhouse and a workaholic Ken.
Cary Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Chrysler minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit. Choose from Mormon or Catholic.
Lumberton Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and a Meth Lab. Both Barbie & Ken available in Lumbee or Mexican versions. Both hang sheetrock.
Chapel Hill Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken who wears a UNC shirt & ball cap. Each Saturday is spent on Franklin Street protesting something.
Fayetteville Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr CD set. She can spit over 6 feet and kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers and a large 82nd Airborne rear window decal. She has more than 7 tattoos that make her mother blush due to their location. Accessories include her own DeWalt tool set, and air compressor.
Goldsboro Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white, barely there, see-through shirt with the top half unbuttoned. Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and accessories include: CD player equipped with Bon Jovi, and a rusty old Ford pick up. She shops almost exclusively at Target and Family Dollar stores.
Raleigh Barbie: This true Blonde shops exclusively in Saks Fifth Avenue. She drives her Land Rover (sold separately). She has an MBA from Duke but has never worked outside the home. Her child stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny; Tagalog to speak to the cook; and Chinese, Vietnamese and Korean, to talk with the gardener, house painter, and housekeeper, respectively. She is a lifelong member of the Junior League and her home is featured in Arch
itectural Digest. Her dirty little secret? She's a closet Republican.
The Durham Barbie was in development but was shot while exiting the home of her local meth dealer.
Thought for today: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
humor links video funny Barbie doll Ken Mattel 
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Reader Comments (33)
The salesperson answers, "Which one?
We have:
Workout Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers:
Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends.
I sure have fun here. Thanks
Have a wonderful Day!
Your posts are just eat'em up ravingly rich with funnies and research and trails of points that just keep going bam-bam-bam. Oh, I hated Barbie, too. I'm glad my girls didn't ever go for her. My only hestitation was when my mother sent my barbie doll and I threw it out, clothes and all almost immediately and then wondered if I'd thrown out something valuable. I would have ebayed it now and gotten some satisfaction, I bet.
I love your site!!!Cheers.
For Wake Forest I might say, don't forget the outfits Barbie needs to attend Sunday school and Church.
Chapel Hill Barbie probably wears a lot of powder blue outfits, can often be seen drinking from a plastic cup, and might attend Apple Chill Festival but wouldn't stay around for the murders afterwards. Too icky and disturbing.
I shouldn't say this, because this is a trade secret, but...
... I am in the negotiations with Mattel in order to use my image and likeness to launch "RockyJay" - barbie. I know it's oxymoron having those words in the same sentence...
Motherpie, I'm glad you got that comment thing worked out, thanks for coming!
Ed, I was wondering what your reaction would be to the NC joke. Thanks for th additions!
RockyJay, I'll be looking for that one in the toy aisle.
Now, all I hear are Barbie jokes; funny how so many of them parallel blonde jokes or Paris Hilton jokes...
As for Ken, he's nothin' but a pretender...a Croc-wearing, politically correct metro(un)sexual.
He liked to come home to his girls and get drunk, smoke a blunt or two, and release some pent up tensions.
My sisters were traumatized but I fail to see what I could do to stop it. I mean, Joe had a gun...all I could do was watch.
http://today.msnbc.com
Is this where you got the idea, MissC?
Skunk, Barbie ALWAYS preferred GI Joe!
JB, sorry I missed that...
Thanks, Joel!
Jules, I don't think even want to know.
Musik, I don't thik it was forced. Like I said, she PREFERRD GI Joe!
Carl, no, this was posted at midnight. Just like most of my posts, I've been collecting these links for months.
Does Colostomy Barbie come with interchangerble bags ?
I played with Barbie and Ken and had the camper, etc.
My daughter loved having all the fancy Barbies and clothes and accessories. She and I played with them and styled their hair.
What fun!
I like the idea of having all those "variety" of Barbies. Fat ones, ones with big noses, hairy ones, pimply ones, etc.
I scrolled down a couple of posts since I've been out of blog commission for several days. I saw that dance video on another blog a couple of weeks ago. That guy is amazing and funny.
The huge, fat ladies in their swim suits made me feel better about having to go bathing suit shopping. I'm still not a fan of exposing my body to the world. I like putting a sarong around my waist the second I get out of the water.
I always enjoy your posts. You really do a lot of work to put such neat stuff here on a consistent basis. I will be working on my blogroll this weekend, and I will be adding you to it.
Wendy - who used to live in North Raleigh and work in Wake Forest (Hummm, I wonder if that little restaurant in the house just off the main drag in Wake Forest that serves killer crab soup is still around???)
Wendy, I had no idea you were a North Carolina girl!
Jamie Dawn, I am honored.
Plutos, yes.
http://stepblog.wordpress.com/2006/06/22/barbies-been-bad/
Great post!
Anyhow, thanks for this it was great!
Havril and Doug, thanks for your FUNNY contributions!
Coll, its so easy and just seems like a natural thing to do!
Ed, I would tune in, but I don't get MSNBC. I rarely turn the tube on.
Barbara, I certainly wouldn't DARE!
I'll have to see if I can find you a link for it.
yo pix qr43 hott
Barbie & Ken are sitting ontop of a flatbed scanner ...
So why are we doing this again Ken?
Remember the Prenup Lawyers Barbie, asset management of our value to collectors.