Job

Unemployment has its advantages and its drawbacks. Lets see, the advantages would be sleeping late, napping, easily scheduled appointments, time for household projects, time to play with the kids, no daycare bills, time to surf the net, no set bedtime, no one telling me what to do, less stress, freedom to travel, and I don’t have to put on a bra every day. Nor shoes. The drawbacks would be no paycheck, and ...  well, I guess thats about it. Considering how much I was making, its really not much of a drawback. When you lay those out on a spreadsheet, its no wonder I haven’t even started working on a resume yet.

Sometimes you can get so frustrated at work that you just want to smash something. How about a desk? Vent your frustrations online!

Lotsa work getting done at this office, where they are clearing hurdles left and right!

Since you need to feel more depressed about your job, take a look at the video explaining the benefits of a Demotivated Workforce.  (via Arbroath)

This game is called Attache. You must fit all the items into the attache case. its not easy!

Liven up your workday with Office Dares.

In Binball Wizard, you must chuck a soccr ball into the office wastebasket.

Australian Workplace Agreement

(lifted from Holtie’s House)

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Death Clause
Any worker found dead at their desk will be promptly fired. All deaths will need to be applied for in advance and will only be approved if your can show that your death will not affect productivity.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustration's, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Previously on Miss Cellania:
The Office 
Get to Work!

Thought for today: The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

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Comments

[Raggedy]

Hugssssssssssssss

[Karen]

Ahhh, the joys of working. The rules sound close to real-life, some policies are ridiculous. Thanks for the laughs, I needed some to get me going this morning.

[Peter]

Those workplace rules may sound harsh Miss C, but of neccessity we have learnt to live with them here in Oz.

[actor212]

Wow, talk about coincidences. I was just talking to someone the other day about clearing their desk off!

[Josiah St. John]

Miss Cellania, those workplace rules are just too close to home!

I saw a work-related sign the other day that had a filthy innuendo in it. (If you feel this isn't appropriate for your site, feel free to delete this comment!) Anyway it said:

Caution:
Do not enter working men

It took me ages to work out what it was actually trying to say! :)

[Skunkfeathers]

We have a well-placed "work stress reliever" in our "bunker": taped to a portion of low ceiling that folks of my height can easily hit, it provides a bullseye and instructions "Bang Head Here".

[Old Horsetail Snake]

I am in consternation, but I do not know where "elsewhere" is. Kindly explain in 20 words or less.

[Miss Cellania]

Hoss: scientists would say "elsewhere" means "not here". Two words.
Missy 1, Hoss 0

[eljacek]

Any decent workplace, or should I say, indecent work place is an ideal opportuinity to write a book / movie / short ficion about.... :)

[Dick]

I have certainly enjoyed not having to go to work since the end of 2003. But, it is also nice to have money coming in every month even though it is less than what used to come in every month. I have tried to economize & to a fair extent, done so. I did learn that retirement is expensive. Any chance you can do something to allow you to work from home?

[Miss Cellania]

Dick, if I could get a sponsor or two for this site, I might be able to recoup expenses for the work I'm already doing at home.

Jacek, if I didn't have to eventually get another job, I'd do that. Employers don't want to hire someone who writes about employers!

Josiah and Skunk, thanks, your contributions will be on the next edition!

Carl, coincidence or inspiration?

Peter, its no wonder there are so many enterpreneurs in Oz.

Karen and Raggedy, thanks!

[LAZY]

When all else fails... WORK is my fall-back position! ~ jb///