Under the Kilt
Sunday, 06.18.06 @ 12:25AM 
What does a Scotsman wear under the kilt? Andrew tells me he usually answers with “shoes and socks”, which is a mighty polite answer to a rude question. I mean really, who would ask a woman what kind of underwear she has on? Hmm, bad example, I guess. I’ve known too many men who ask that. Usually on the request line. But its still rude. Clever kilt wearers have come up with some really good comebacks!
1. How badly do you want to know?
2. How Warm are your hands?
3. Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn't ask, she was right God bless her.
4. My Scottish pride.
5. On a good night, lipstick.
6. Play your cards right, and you can find out.
7. Tell me madam, would you go jogging without a bra? If so, where do you jog and when?
8. Sorry, I'm a bit shy and not much good with words. Give me your hand.......
9. Talcum powder.
10. What God graced me with.
THE RIBBON
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
The above story was made into a song, The Scotsman. There is a video, with a bit of nudity here.
What do they wear underneath the kilt?
Where to buy a kilt. Tartan Web. Utilikilts. And, or course, the Kilt Store.
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Lassie: "What's worn under your kilt?"
Lad: "Nothing, it all works just fine"
IDENTIFICATION
Three scotswomen are walking home at night (they are neighbors) and find a scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. 
His upper body is under the wagon and they can't see who he is; however, they would like to help him get home. The first woman looks under his kilt and says, "It's not my husband".
The second woman looks under his kilt and says, It's not my husband".
The third woman looks under his kilt and says, "Why he's not even from our village!"
YARDAGE
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
INVERNESS
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate,"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.
"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again" says the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."
Thought for today: Lift his kilt; if you find a quarterpounder, he IS a McDonald.
humor jokes video funny Scotsman Highlander kilt Scotland 
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Reader Comments (12)
You just need to take one look at my uncle and he has Scot written all over him.
I really don't want to think about him wearing a kilt though... ;)
Nothing! everything works like new.
Pun intended, Peter?
Barbara, I wish you the best of luck!
Risible, you may not want to think of it, but I bet your aunt appreciates it!
Stoo, thank for your contribution. Glad to see you here!
Carl, I'll believe that when I see it.
Dick, nothing ever happens in my area. But I'm willing to travel!