From the title of this post, you may have thought this was about stealing music or movies off the internet. Thats not all that funny, and I don't even know how to do it. Naw, I'm doing the much lower-tech buccaneer thing here. The new Pirates of the Caribbean movie opens July 7th at a theatre near you. In honor of the ocassion, or really, just an excuse since thats a long way off, I’ve got some pirate jokes for ya.

THE PIRATE AND THE SAILOR

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook. "So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?"  "Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've had this peg leg ever since." "Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?" "We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever since." "Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?" "Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous. "Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first day with the new hook."

What kind of pirate am I? You decide! You can also view a breakdown of results or put one of these on your own page! Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

THE RED SHIRT

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

The Pirate Song. 

THE WISH

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat."

SWEAR LIKE A SAILOR

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?" 

You can now have your very own pirate house!

More scurvy pirate jokes.

Previously on Miss Cellania: Pirates

Thought for today: Supposedly, pirates dress better these days. They prefer Aaaarrrrmani.

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