Christmas Links Volume Three
Sunday, 12.24.06 @ 12:01AM 
Just like it does every year, Christmas Eve snuck up and knocked on the door before I was ready. Why, it seems like just yesterday I installed that Google widget that counted down the days til Chrsitmas, not realizing that it was incorrect the entire time! I hope you are enjoying the holiday weekend in the manner you most enjoy. I’ve already recieved one gift already, from my brother and sister-in-law. Its a coffee machine! The one I was using is servicable, but this gift is amazing. Besides all the features that are supposed to make your coffee taste better, its got no carafe- just a dispenser like fast food serve-yourself soda pop stands. I can refill with one hand and look forward to telling my grandkids about the old days when we actually had to LIFT a coffee carafe and POUR the coffee! But enough about me. For you, I’ve got another round of Christmas links for your amusement and edification. Consider it your Christmas present. ‘Cause I’m cheap.
Thirteen Ways to Humiliate Santa Claus Online. My personal collection.
The Ten Most Annoying Christmas Songs of All Time, as rated by Giant Magazine. With video clips.
Although Giant Magazine alluded to this “band”, White Christmas by the Jingle Cats didn’t make the top ten. But its pretty annoying anyway.
If you are in the DC area and reading this in the morning, you can make it to the Water-Skiing Santa Show! If not, you can watch a video on the site.
Cats love Christmas! But what they love more than anything is to get into the spirit of the season and wear their Christmas hats. Yeah, right. (via the Presurfer)
You think your boss is cheap? Slate Magazine asked it readers to submit tales of horrible office Christmas parties, gifts, and bonuses. Of nearly 200 submission, they’ve chosen The Corporate Scrooge Contest Results.
MythBusters brings you a holiday Rube Goldberg machine! (via YesButNoButYes)
The Secret Life of Santa Claus. What’s he doing the rest of the year? Take a peek at this Worth 1000 contest. (via the Presurfer)
The Chicago Tribune has a Christmas Carol Quiz. I found it rather fun! Your TOTAL SCORE is: 96%. You know your seasonal songs! Treat yourself to an extra slice of fruitcake. OK, I wasn’t familiar with the third or fourth verse of Jingle Bells. (Thanks, Judy!)
Santa Claus is one strange movie. Santa (with the help of Merlin the Magician) must battle Satan himself! The movie is on YouTube in several parts, which can all be found together at YesButNoButYes.
| You Are a Snowman |
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Christmas Greetings from Beavis and Butthead.
I mentioned the song Christmas in Jail a few days ago. For some folks, thats a reality. Bornfool, who works as a prison guard, wrote a poem about it.
Saur relates a wonderfully heartwarming (or something) story of a church Christmas play from her youth in The Christmas Fart. It’s too funny! Then Musikdude tried to top it with a similar story he stars in himself!
Mistletoe
It was early December and I was at the airport, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in my luggage, I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Its All About the Tree. Admit it, you know this person.
The Almalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. Grow one and join. (via Neatorama)
Twisted Sister’s Christmas album is entitled (what else?) A Twisted Christmas. Here’s their short animated video of O Come All Ye Faithful. There’s also a live action version which is quite a bit longer, if you prefer. And a performance version from the Tonight Show. Anytime I have the choice, I go for the cartoon. And honestly, two minutes of Twisted Sister is enough.
Feel free to print and use Bob’s Smartass Gift Tags, example to the right. (via Marked Hoosier)
I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas! Some of the links on the FAQ page are broken, but the song is available on YouTube. Here's a version with hippos. Or go to The Fat Lady Sings to watch Christmas lights synched with the song. (Thanks, Louise!)
You’ll want this! The Family Holiday Survival Kit.
If you’ve waited til the last minute to ask Santa for a particular gift, you can call him direct. Try this, it’s fun!
On a serious note, if you've put off buying a gift til the last minute, because the givee is one of those folks who has everything already, show your love by reading this, and then make a purchase.
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, & Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus &, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, & myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper.
And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do n
ot understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards & put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding & taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally & dipped in a mixture of food coloring & liquid starch. They must be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag & stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
*****
I worked on Christmas Day for something like 22 years in a row. The last two years, I was fortunate enough to have acheived weekends off and Christmas fell on weekends. This year I have no job. But I very much sympathize with those who will be at work tomorrow. There are more people who work on Christmas Day than most folks realize. This one’s for you. Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas -Harvey Danger (via Everlasting Blort)
Previously on Miss Cellania: Bad Santa The Cat’s Christmas Christmas Decorations Christmas Links Volume One 
Christmas Links Volume Two Christmas Treats A Dog’s Christmas Elves It’s A Wonderful Life Letters to Santa Redneck Christmas Sci-Fi Christmas
Thought for today: Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. -Phyllis Diller
PS. I have a prayer request for Arbroath's mother Cynthia, who is in the hospital in Wales.
humor jokes video funny games Christmas holiday
Reader Comments (10)
Have a Merry Christmas to you and your family. :)
HEY! Twisted Sister rocks!
Carry on...and thanks for the links, MissC!
Samantha in a little town called Mandurah.
Thanks for the good times, and Merry Christmas to all!
Happy Christmas to you and the 'lil terrors.