When you see a post named "Volume One", its a dead giveaway that there will be "Volume Two" coming soon. Thats the bad news. The worse news is that it looks as if there will be a "Volume Three" as well. There's just too much funny material about Christmas this year. Last year, I did the Twelve Posts of Christmas (although you won't find them all, because I've used a couple for reruns). I've got eight already this year, so I'll probably outdo that. Hooboy. Tomorrow's post will be totally non-holiday, but I can't make and promises after that. To make it up to you, I've got some really gross and nasty ideas I'll throw out in January. Something to look forward to.

Dribbleglass has a collection of Christmas Ornaments that aren’t really available, but should be. And they probably will be next year, on Cafe Press.

Carol of the Chins.  (Thanks, Linda!) If you liked that but would rather hear a different song, you can request another one from the Chins.

Christmas prank: Mistletoe in an elevator.

Robot Chicken mixed Dragon Ball Z with Santa Claus. Mrs. Claus has a bad case of PMS. (via YesButNoButYes)

The Narrator that Ruined Christmas. “Its not about you, Douchebag!”

The Writersville Gang has released a free ebook called Season’s Greetings from the Writersville Gang. Its free and full of stories and recipes, so it would make a great egift to send to your internet friends. Thats why I’m telling you, its my Christmas gift... shows you just how much of a big spender I am!

You Are Cupid

A total romantic, you're always crushing on a new reindeer. Why You're Naughty: You've caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren't speaking to each other. Why You're Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!

Ten ways to silly up your Christmas. Some really rude products from our friends at American Inventors Spot.

An Ax to Grind

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining, he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.

Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies. "I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

Winterbells is a pretty game. Jump to hit the bells and score points. The caveat is that you only get one jump. (via Dump Trumpet)

Some pretty horrible gifts for the kids.

I ordered Oy to the World last year, and its still my favorite Christmas collection. Listen to samples here.  Not currently on the playlist at SEA/TAC. You can download it from Itunes, but I bought the CD because I (hint hint) don’t have an iPod.

Merry Christmas... I got you herpes.

The gift that keeps on giving. Because the true meaning of Christmas is the acceptance of others, no matter what STD they may have.

That reminds me, I have to post The 12 Diseases of Christmas. Its a classic, but you won't hear it on your local radio station!

Lovable Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true, because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?"

Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also sub as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane. Finding what I wanted was difficult as love dolls come in many models. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature my brother could live without so I settled for Lovable Louise. She also was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and left the front door unlocked. In the wee hours of the morning long after Santa had come and gone I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for hours.

The next morning Jay called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that made him VERY happy but the dog was confused. The dog would bark and bark. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came for the traditional dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except we forgot Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

"It's a doll." replied my brother.

"Who would play with something like that?" she replied "And where are her clothes?"

"Boy that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dinning room. But Granny was relentless.

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey who's the naked gal by the fire place?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

Dinner went well. We made the usual small talk when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the morning. She then lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure.

Later we discovered the cause of Louise's collapse as she had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her thigh. Thanks to duct tape we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house...

Twas The Night Before Christmas by Gary Hoey

Thought for today: We use mistletoe as an excuse to kiss strangers during the holidays. Haven't people ever heard of chloroform? -Scott Roeben  

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