Redneck Christmas
Tuesday, 12.12.06 @ 12:01AM 
When I was employed and on-air, I would sporadicly make a suggestion that folks could now take down the Christmas lights. I started in late January and kept that up through Easter. I don’t think I made a bit of difference. Why take the lights down at all when you’ll just need to put them back up next year? At one time, this was an understandable strategy. Rednecks have always found the simplest, most economical way to do things. The original recyclers. But now, lights are about 50 cents a string and you’ll be lucky if they last til Christmas Day. Just another facet of our new throwaway society.
White Trash Christmas. (Thanks, Joe!)
The latest redneck Christmas must-have accessory is the Mountain Dew Christmas Tree.
The Mistletoe and Meat interactive Christmas Calendar. Can you find the recipe for porcupine sandwich? French-fried Skunk? Or Frog Legnog?
Order your Redneck Christmas CD
The Redneck 12 Days of Christmas
Here’s Your Sign Christmas.
BUBBA CLAUS
(Thanks, Judy!)
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve Georgia, Flori
da, West Virginia, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Ohio, Louisiana or Alabama on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on And
retti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words " Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Previously on Miss Cellania: The Redneck Posts.
Thought for today: Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. -W.C. Fields
humor jokes video funny redneck Christmas hillbilly holiday
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Reader Comments (14)
Are the reindeer going to "cut and run" this year?
There are SO MANY PEOPLE on this end of Pennsyltuckey who hunt/eat venison. BLECH! I hate it. Can't stand the smell of it or the sight of it. Take me to Lone Star for a real steak, DAMMIT!
When I lived in Maryland, I had a friend who was from New Mexico. She was Mexican and one hell of a cook. Her husband LOVED to hunt. He went on a few hunting trips every year. This one year he came back with one of his "kills" and she made a stew out of it. She invited me over for dinner but didn't tell me what was IN the stew. I could tell it was wild game and could not for the life of me eat it. This time, her cooking skills did not make for a good dining experience.
She made burritos on the side just in case!
THanks for the fodder...I'll give credit where due.
Thanks for the giggles, hon! Felt just like bein' with my hillbilly relatives!
You rock.
Merry Christmas!!!!
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Phone: (407) 464-2080
Fax: (407) 464-2081
E-mail: redneckchristmas@pinksneakers.net
Website: www.pinksneakers.net
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Phone: 407-464-2080
Fax: 407-464-2081
Email: redneckwedding@pinksneakers.net
Website: www.pinksneakers.net
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