Kid Stuff
Friday, 12.01.06 @ 12:02AM 
American schoolchildren had a four-day weekend last week for Thanksgiving. Thats when Mama and Daddy remember why they love elementary school so much. Sure, we love our kids! They are cute and funny and affectionate. But keeping them occupied and entertained can be a chore. Remember when they were preschoolers and the only way to get some peace and quiet was to turn to Barney, the Teletubbies, or Sesame Street? Yep, I too turned to the electronic babysitter more than I should, and then suffered nightmares where Cookie Monster chased me right into the hugging arms of Barney, while Laalaa kept up a cranium-numbing soundtrack. Then I had to deal with the angst of whether its worth it to rot their sweet little brains just to save my sanity. So far, it seems we have achieved both rotten little brains and parental insanity.
WARNING: Some of these links may be disturbing to children. Please preview before sharing. To an adult, they may be cathartic.
Are you suffering from Adultitis? Adultitis is a common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21–121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around. (via the Presurfer)
The Useless Men explain why men aren’t that great at parenting.
What would Robot Chicken do with Calvin and Hobbes?
The Joy of Sons. For those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.
This kid embodies the spirit of the saying “The show must go on!” (via Arbroath)
Dipsy does MC Hammer. He was always the coolest Teletubbie! (via Neatorama)
Kill the Teletubbies! You choice, chainsaw, pistol, or rifle.
The Tinky-Winky virtual paper doll. (Thanks, Bill!)
Have a little fun with the Wrybaby Parental Diversions games. (via Neatorama)
Motherpie is into updating nursery rhymes for the Tech Age.
Muppet Faces of Death
Bolle Bolle, a simple games (only the space bar is involved) that lets you punch Muppets. (via Dump Trumpet)
Martin Scorsese’s Sesame Street. NSFW!
What I Used To Believe invites readers to send in their misconceptions from childhood. There’s some real winners here, like “I believed that it was against the law for children to eat the "adult" meals at McDonald's, and vice versa--except for teenagers, who were so ‘old’ that they were practically grown-ups anyway, at least in my young mind. ;)”
FAR! FAR away, the Google lives, in a land which only children can go to. It is a wonderful land of funny flowers, and birds, and hills of pure white heather.From The Google Book, by V.C. Vickers, 1913. (via the Presurfer)
The Google has a beautiful garden which is guarded night and day. All through the day he sleeps in a pool of water in the center of the garden; but when the night comes, he slowly crawls out of the pool and silently prowls around for food.
Kids should have toys like we had when we were young!
The Useless Men have some useless advice on how to tame a terrible toddler.
What I Didn't Know Until I Had Kids
(lifted from Wulfweard)
How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish fingers perfectly.
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.
How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.
The design marvels that is Velcro-strap shoes.
Locations of public toilets all across town.
Never to stick a finger into a childs nappy to see if its wet.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost 'comfort' blanket.
That tigers live in the trees in our back garden and that you have to ritually look for monsters under the bed and in cupboards.
The amazing technicolor variety and 'Play-doh' consistancy of infant stool.
The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or pieces of Lego.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
Just how high a baby boy can pee when you are changing his nappy.
How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.
That one can never own too many refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
That reverse psychology really works.
The recipe for a homemade version of 'Play-doh'.
That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.
The distinctive sounds of Rice Crispies crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy meals.
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.
What time CBeebies starts.
That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
Making Brownies with Billy
(lifted from Wulfweard)
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take flour away from Billy and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take flour away from Billy again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing wet flour from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smouldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialled call to India removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and she's still able to run away.
Frosting - Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine. Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% microwave and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes Answer door and apologise to neighbour for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door letter box. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
I am bestowing my November Perfect Post Award to Golden Lucy for the post Back to the Denture
. How can you resist a story that contains the line, "I just got hemorrhoid cream all over the steering wheel!" It made me laugh so loud I scared the children! You can find all the November Perfect Post awards at Petroville and at Suburban Turmoil.
Thought for today: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -Phyllis Diller
Reader Comments (11)
Oh, and the Teletubbies/South Park combo! Where in the heck do you find this stuff!!!
Stan: Oh my god! Kenny killed a Teletubby!
Kyle: You bas...er..you go Kenny!
Cartman: Sweet...there's three more to go, Kenny!