Gynecology
Thursday, 11.09.06 @ 12:06AM 
No, we don’t enjoy it, but its one of those things you gotta do occasionally (ideally once a year). We ladies go see the gynecologist. The doctor who knows us inside out, so to speak. No matter what you guys think, its no fun being poked, prodded, and pinched by a doctor or nurse plus a “witness” while you shiver under a paper smock on a cold steel table. The metal contraptions they use are enough to give you nightmares (more on that coming up). This is all to the good of our overall health, so we do it. After age 40, throw a mammogram on top of all the other tests, and you’ve set yourself up for a right unpleasant experience.
All about The Vagina. Written by an “expert” (yeah, a guy).
Lest you think this post is all about women, check out Men With Cramps. This explains many events of history that were caused by men who just didn’t feel too good that day. (via Mamacita)
THE MECHANIC
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
TOOLS
I mentioned at the beginning that gynecological tools can be frightening. In fact, they bear a strange resemblance to instruments of torture. Guys, take a look at these and then dare to call us "the weaker sex".
These instruments were used for gynecology exams in ancient Pompei.
These are modern instruments. Nothing much has changed in a couple thousand years.
These are actual instruments of torture. Not all that different.
THE MESSAGE
Why men should not take phone messages:
“Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst Beer is fine. I thought you didn't like beer??”
THE CHECKUP
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess!"
MAMMOGRAM
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
THE DIAGNOSIS
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late....delete now!)
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"You're simply going through the change!”
Previously on Miss Cellania: PMS and Menopause 
Thought for today: A textbook on psychosomatic gynecology published in 1957 stated that women had neither the interest in nor the capacity for orgasmic response! -Virginia Johnson
That author was probably just going by his own experience... or wishful thinking.
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Reader Comments (21)
But I'll bet women are less embarrassed to be examined 'down there' by a man than a man is to be examined by a woman. I know why a lot of men would want to be gynecologists, but why on earth would a woman want to be a proctologist? Maybe if she was also a spelunker as a hobby?
There is NO exam uglier in the world than a cystoscopy!
After getting one for an inflamed prostate, I totally understand how Indian fakirs are able to levitate..
I'd like to see the source if that is possible, just to compare notes.
Oh yea, can't wait for the mammograms! OH JOY!
The prep for the colonoscopy is rather dreadful. Last year at this time, my mom had the surgery, and endured two of those checkups since then. Yea, Miss C, the very LEAST they can do is sedate you!
Mammograms are a joy too, yeah - hold still and don't breathe. Like I could breathe!
Have a great day and thanks for the giggles!
Actually I laughed.
That amused me.