Bears
Wednesday, 11.29.06 @ 12:04AM 
BEAR I.D.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly bear?
A: When you see the bear, climb a tree. If it climbs up the tree and kills you, it's a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it's a grizzly bear.
ESCAPE
Two hikers round a corner and come face to face with an enormous bear that rises up on its haunches and roars at them.
"What do we do?" the first hiker asks.
"Run!"
"Do you really think you can outrun a bear?"
"No, but I can outrun you."
A grizzly bear at the dinner table! Get the camera!
Look! There’s a bear in the hammock! Go get the videocamera!
Look! A bear in a casino! Good thing the security cameras are working!
Russian bears are having trouble hibernating because the weather has been too warm this fall. This is causing panic in some circles.
THE ATHEIST
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped.
The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny My existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."
Have you ever seen a drunken bear? This story has a video attached of just that. (via Arbroath)
Potopych, The Bear who Loved Vodka is a delightfully drawn animated short by Darren Price, based on a true story. (via Motiongrapher)
GUNS
Guy goes into a gun store. He tells the salesman he's going moose hunting in Alaska. He needs to know what kind of handgun he should carry in case he runs into a bear.
The salesman says, "Carry any handgun you want. But if you're going to shoot a bear with it, be sure to grind off the front sight."
The customer looks perplexed. "Why should I grind off the front sight?"
"That way it won't hurt so bad when the bear takes it away and shoves it up your ass."
NOTICE
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, backpackers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so that the bears are not startled unexpectedly by a human's presence. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear poop and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop smells like pepper and has little bells in it.
Polar Bears in the Zoo (via PAgent’s Progress )
A BBC film crew was in the Norwegian Arctic to film polar bears, but they didn’t have to go hunting fo rthem... the polar bears came to their camp! (via Arbroath)
Polar Bear Habitat and Heritage Village in Cochrane, Ontario gives you an opportunity to get up close and personal with polar bears. You can “swim with the bears”, protected by a thick glass wall between you and the bears! They have a blog and a webcam.
BEAR HUNTING
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Thought for today: My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
humor links video funny bears polar bear forest animals grizzly
Reader Comments (10)
I have had a bear post sitting in draft for a few days ..it's weird how memic trends flow through the blogosphere.
Fabulous as usual..I appreciate all of the effort..and I am truly humbled.
How about this coincidence? Bears on our minds?? As if this fellow had a mind!
This is real idiot!
PRICELESS!