Mars and Venus: the Breakup
Wednesday, 11.15.06 @ 12:05AM 
Nothing whatsoever to do with the movie (which I haven't seen anyway), this Mars and Venus post is not so much about the differences between men and women, as about the relationship between the two sexes. Or lack of, actually. As the adage says, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, and some of those frogs may be reluctant to go away. The better a relationship is, the harder the fall when it goes kablooey. But nevertheless, we can find something to laugh at during those darkest times of despair. That is, if its happening to someone else!
Mood Swingers is a site to help you get over a breakup. Some really funny stuff, like the seven steps for an easier breakup and reasons why men suck.
Vent your breakup fantasies at Relationship Revenge. (via the Presurfer)
Ten easy ways to NOT get dumped. (yeah, right)
Dirty deeds done dirt cheap: if you can’t bring yourself to initiate the breakup yourself (you wuss), you can hire an agency to do it for you. (via Arbroath)
For twenty cents, you can get the Breakup Butler from Snapvine to deliver the bad news.
The Useless Men theorize that men don’t get household chores accomplished because they are afraid of the breakup. Hooda thunket?
The Breakup Song
The owner of this car was caught cheating by his girlfriend, who went to town on his $50,000 BMW M3 with orange paint, broken windows, a nice key job, smashed lights. The paint probably caused the most damage, because it seeped into all the computer chips in the dashboard. This once beautiful car could very well be totaled by one psychotic woman. I'd say she was a bit angry.
Kathryn shared the most inhuman breakup lines she’s heard in this post, especially in the comment section, and that led to more breakup stories in the comments of this post.
Dinosaur Comics explains how breaking up should be.
The difference between how men and women initiate a breakup.
The Five Stages of Breaking Up
by Dino Londis
Rather than doing it in one swift painless blow, I've dragged it out into five distinct and unavoidable steps:
1. Contemplation: It usually occurs right after sex. Don't go with this immediate urge. Now is not the time. It's chemical. Just roll over and go to sleep like you always have.
2. Contemplate it some more: Run it by your friends. You know... those guys you blew off when you started seeing her.
3. Joke about it: Make your moments with her uncomfortable and pressured.
4 Just do it: (I would explain how, but that is beyond scope of this article.) Oh, one way is to get her drunk. You did it when you first slept with her. Now do it to break up with her. Trust me, it's the best way. Besides, while she's drunk, youcan sleep with her one last time. But get out before she sobers up. That's how you got into the relationship to begin with.
5. Stalking: Just because you've stopped calling her, doesn't mean you have to stop seeing her. Many questions need to be answered, like: Who is she going out with now? Is she miserable now that you 're gone? Oh God, she's not fu--ing him, is she? This includes calling and hanging up, and calling and crying. That is when you say, "I love you."
The 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16 "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"
15 "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."
14 "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."
13 "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."
12 "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."
11 "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"
10 "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."
9 "I have early-onset onanism."
8 "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."
7 "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah-- on the subway, I think."
6 "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"
5 "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."
4 "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."
3 "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."
2 "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."
and the Number 1 Worst Breakup Excuse...
1 "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."
Previously on Miss Cellania: Divorce or Murder, the Mars and Venus series from the old site, and the Mars and Venus series from the new site.
Thought for today: Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
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Reader Comments (12)
Btw: This was a very readable post - thanks for sharing!
http://www.outofthinair.homestead.com/heartbreak.html
Altho that does sound like the premise for the latest version of "The Longest Yard".
I'm not a big Jennifer Anniston fan, so I'd have to get some majorly good reviews on this movie before I decided to see it. Then again, renting dvds really isn't all that expensive, so I don't know.
I've never had a "Waiting To Exhale" Yardsale. Man. It's like "Love's hangover, everything has got to go!!!" Yea, that was a total chick flick for sure.
Your stuff is always so awesome, Miss C, truly. I am never disappointed! EVER!!!!