Health Insurance
Wednesday, 11.01.06 @ 12:03AM 
The health care crisis is something that touches us all, whether we are aware of it right now or not. Now, stay with me here, I promise there will be some funny stuff coming. A couple of decades ago, there was a move to save healthcare dollars by implementing Health Maintenance Organizations, or HMOs. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Managed Care was supposed to take people through proper channels to save unneccesary and expensive tests and procedures. The problem was, over time, the beancounters who ran the plans also wanted to save on expensive but neccessary tests and procedures. Then the cost of drugs skyrocketed. Pharmaceutical companies started advertising on television, spammers started sending out advertising emails selling drugs, and a lot of folks couldn’t tell which was more legit than the other. The big Pharmas pleaded that they had to increase costs to recoup research funds, but they also posted record profits and dividends. Government got involved. Do you want socialized medicine, or universal coverage? Most prefer universal coverage, but the insurance companies (who stood to lose billions) called it socialized medicine. Yeah, its the same thing. So it ain’t gonna 
happen. The current administration threw prescription users a bone by hyping the new Medicare Part D plan, which ended up confusing millions of elderly people and delivering very little for the effort.
But there is one thing worse than the most screwed-up health plan: 46.6 million Americans have no health insurance at all. (via konagod)
Timeline of the 1993 healthcare story.
The new prescription drug plan for senior citizens is a mess.
Whats the difference between generic and name brand prescriptions? About an arm and a leg!
The Marx Brothers explain the Medicare Prescription Drug Benefit. (via Simply Left Behind)
There’s a book with more called Great Ways to Harass Your HMO.
Physicians for a National Health Program.
HMO DOCTOR APPLICATION FORM
1. Are you an MD or DO?
(if not, do you look a lot like one?)
2. Your annual salary should be based on which factor?
A. Age
B. Experience
C. Number of privately insured patients referred to hospital in calendar year
D. Quality of care
(if you answered A, C, or D do not complete the rest of this form)
3. Did you receive a grade higher than C+ in your biomedical Ethics class?
(if yes, do not complete the rest of this form)
4. How many patients can you see in your office in one hour?
(if number is less than sixty, do not complete the rest of this form)
5. Which factor do you consider more heavily in deciding whether to admit a patient to your hospital:
A. Vital signs
B. Clinical condition
C. Credit rating
D. Insurance status
(if you answered either A or B, do not complete the rest of this form)
6. Do you understand the concept of Omerta and agree to this as a condition of employment?
7. A patient complains about being left in the hallway for 9 hours. As his physician, the proper response is:
A. Complain to administration
B. Refer the matter to the nurse
C. Direct patient accounts to invoice Medicare or private insurance for an extra-wide semiprivate room.
(if you answered A, do not complete the rest of this form)
8. An elderly man visiting his wife trips in the hallway and you catch him, preventing him from injuring himself. You ask him if he is okay, and he says yes. The proper thing to do is now:
A. Bill for preventative orthopedic consult
B. Bill for psychiatric consult (He did say he was okay)
C. Hospitalize the patient as a danger to himself and others
D. Go on your way
(if you answered D do not complete the rest of this form)
9. A patient who was previously reported to be insured has now been discovered to lack insurance. He is on the ventilator with an assist control rate of 22 and an oxygen percentage of 90%, PEEP of 10. The proper course of action is now to:
A. Reduce his to IMV
B. Reduce the oxygen percentage
C. Extubate and discharge very very quickly
(if you answered A or B do not complete the rest of this form)
CURE FOR DIABETES
Declaring diabetes mellitus non-existent, managed care companies nation-wide have managed to wipe out diabetes throughout the United States, It was announced today.
It was explained that any patient insisting that they have diabetes will be re-diagnosed as having paranoia, and hence will be ineligible for medical care, as mental health benefits are essentially nonexistent in most managed care plans.
The insurance industry also announced that their pre-existing policy of refusing to reimburse for syringes or blood glucose test strips, and discouraging patients' Primary Care Physicians from referring to endocrinologists, has been "totally vindicated."
An estimated three hundred endocrinologists were seen lining up to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; there were unheard-of upsurges in bookings for flights to San Francisco noted by airlines nationally.
The San Francisco Tourism Agency announced that it encourages all endocrinologists to spend their final vacation in their city, before taking the plunge.
According to an anonymous spokesman for a major managed care company, it is expected that curing diabetes, and terminating contracts with deceased endocrinologists, will allow approximately 57 more insurance company executives to claim 6-figure bonuses at the end of the current Fiscal Year, while only resulting in an additional 15 minutes loss of sleep per night for the average Primary Care Physician, and only an estimated 2,000,000 covered lives to become uncovered deaths.
Copyright © 1997 by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.
THE NINETEENTH HOLE
Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background: you know the routine.
St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."
The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were."
Peter looks at him and says: "Hey, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!"
Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.
Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life."
Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children."
Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too."
Sound of trumpets, yadda yadda, same routine. "See you at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder.
"OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?"
The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent."
Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair."
"The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive.
The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones:
"Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized a two-day stay."
Thought for today: The problem is that 99.99% of the HMO's make a bad name for the rest of them.
PS: I awarded October’s Perfect Post to Monica’s Thoughts for the post Cellphones in School? One line stood out and really grabbed me: My younger son and daughter would gladly have taken an expulsion if their brother called them from Iraq. Makes you think. You can see all of the Perfect Post Awards for October at Petroville and at Suburban Turmoil.
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Reader Comments (7)
Take care and Happy November!
It's too bad we can't afford it.
"This isn't what he had in mind,
by '18 holes a day'".
but the colo-rectal surgeon knows, he'll get you in the end.