Best Fight Scene Ever!

At least it beats this. (Thanks, Bryant!)

Shorties

I've been reading a book about super glue.

I couldn't put it down.

*****

An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

*****

I spent 3 hours at my wife's grave today.

Bless her heart. She thinks I'm digging a koi pond.

*****

Guys fall in love for what see.
Girls fall in love for what they hear.
That is why girls use makeup, and boys lie.

Comic by Steve Langille. See more of his work at Strange Breed.

Duo

(via Criggo)

Walking On By

The award-winning 2003 short by Theodore Ushev. (via Everlasting Blort)

Waffles

I've love to hear the story behind this one. (via Arbroath)

Ass-duff-moo-vee-too

(via b3ta)

A Bucket of Salad

(via Mostly Forbidden Zone)

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,  'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score again.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?"

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

(via Bits and Pieces)

See also: Fart

Geography Drill

From Twaggies.

Beckham and the Door Stop

If you ever have the occasion to install a door stop, be sure to get one with a heavy spring, because 1. puppies love them, and b. they make that wonderful sound. (via Arbroath)

Not Sure

Related. (Thanks, Rich!)

Fartman

Those Europeans who how to put on a TV show!

Carnival Hero

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious... Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth-to-mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.

Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her breasts. The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, and finally her eyes flutter open.

"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her, she goes on, "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"

"It wasn't my idea," he says. "It was that guy over there. He kept shouting, 'Rubber balloons! Rubber balloons!"

Oh Happy Cows

See more singing and dancing cows at mental_floss.

Happy Minute

(via Bits and Pieces)